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Thursday, February 19, 2009

The Horror

So Friday the 13th the 42nd is now once again number one at the box office. How many more horror remakes can we take? I believe there is a perpetual horror green room filled with Michael Myers from Halloween, Jason from Friday the 13th, and Chucky from Child's Play and they all play rock, paper, scissors to see which crappy franchise to remake. If they are going to do a remake at least add a twist to it. Here are some horror movie remakes that might be a bit more fun.

Seniors play- In this remake of Child's Play Chucky the satanic doll has aged quite a bit and is no longer stabbing his victims with a butcher knife. Instead Chucky now called Charles, because no 70 year old man should be named Chucky, is confined to an old folks home and is hitting his victims feebly with a cane. Whenever he hits someone he is denied his bread pudding and has to go to bed at 4pm. The movie ends with Charles adopting a stuffed animal puppy.

Carrie 4 in the city- In this remake Carrie is once again doused with blood and freaks out. She gets blood dumped on her by Peta for wearing too many fur coats to fashion shows she is covering for her magazine. Because of this she freaks out and in a fit of rage divorces her husband Mr. Big. She moves in with her friend Samantha and they chase young twenty somethings into their sixties. Hint: The references in here are to a TV show that I won't admit to watching/liking but its pretty good.

Nightmare on Wall street- Freddy Krueger no longer haunts peoples' dreams he just hangs out on Wall street shooting the shit with depressed businessmen. He doesn't even kill people anymore he just tries to help people rebuild their 401k's and provide moral support. Don't ask him about Obama's stimulus bill cause he tends to always want to slash every program in site.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

I left Las Vegas

I just returned from a vacation from Las Vegas. I experienced what I like to call first hand smoke. Their was so much cigarette smoke in the air from depressed down on their luck Vegas folk that I looked like I was a chimney sweeper from Mary Poppins after every day. The most amusing moment in Vegas was when my girlfriend and I walked past the fountains in front of the Bellagio and were subjected to a very angry Michael Jackson impersonator along with his fellow impersonator Captain Jack Sparrow. Why was fake Michael Jackson angry (and I use the term fake quite loosely given the original Michael Jackson's state )? Apparently he did his Michael Jackson dance performance and I didn't even notice he was there till I walked by. Having not received any of my money I could feel the cold dead eyes seething through the terrible makeup job and I feared I was going to get rhinestone glove slapped. Besides Captain Jack may have had one of those plastic swords and you don't mess with a grown man carrying a plastic sword.

Although the brilliant fountain show was going on I wondered to myself what made those two costumed gents one day decide that they would be street performers. Also although Captain Jack could get some gigs at kid parties I'm not sure about that Michael Jackson. My advice to Michael Jackson impersonator guy is to start impersonating Miley Cyrus if he wants to make the big bucks at parties. Maybe a Jonas brother at the very least if you can't pull the girl thing lest I remind you that you are already wearing a wig and make up. Well as you can see this blog is pretty random and pointless but I just got back from Vegas and it kinda sums up the nature of the town.