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Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Cereal box advice

Have you ever noticed that the back of cereal boxes try to give you advice on how to live your life? They give you lists like ten things you can do instead of watching TV, or ten ways to help the earth. Every single list is the same and they always tell me to go fly a kite. Go fly a kite? How many people still fly kites? I never found kite flying to be very fun as a kid the few times that I got that flying red time waster into the air. The other thing I noticed about cereal box advice is that they never tell people to go take a hike. I guess it's cause they are afraid of potentially offending people if they take that phrase the wrong way. I'm pretty sure that most people would be able to figure out that they didn't mean go take a hike you fat lazy blob.

Also why does a cereal box get to usurp so much authority and tell everyone what they should or should not do with their free time? I know breakfast is the most important meal of the day but I didn't know that gave cereal boxes the right to be Dr. Phil, Oprah, the mayor, and my parents all rolled into one. Only those people can try to tell me what to do. The other thing I've noticed is that when cereal boxes tell you what to do they don't set the bar very high. They tell you to go spend time with your family, but never to cure cancer. They tell you to go plant a tree, but never to save the rain forest. They tell you to eat more cereal and not to eat donuts. Just bad advice all around. Take the cereal box power away. Instead of reading the back of cereal boxes go fly a kite, plant a tree, and take a hike.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Party Economics

As everyone know times are tough. Gas prices are kicking our ass, homes are foreclosing, and the stock market looks pretty iffy. Another thing that has died is the house party. Lets take a look at this hypothetical conversation between Doug and Raj taking place at the local 99 cent store.

Doug: Hey Raj. Dude I'm having a kick ass party Friday night you down?

Raj: Yeah man where at?

Doug: My place bro... at my parents house. You know, tough times, tough times.

Raj: Oh ok. Is there going to be alcohol?

Doug: Naw can't afford it man. Tap water is free though.

Raj: (disappointed) K. Any ladies coming?

Doug: Yeah some of my sisters friends. We're not allowed too many people at the house.

Raj: Isn't your sister 17?

Doug: Yeah but she's got one friend who is 19.

Raj: Is she cute?

Doug: She might be in the dark.

Raj: Ok well I don't think I can make it. Your house is like ten miles away and I got to save gas.

Doug: I hear you dude. Hey before you go can you drop me off at the bus station?

Raj: You got fifty cents for gas?

Doug: Almost...

Raj: Sorry man, see you around.

Friday, August 15, 2008

Top six Celebrity Spies

With the recent revelation that Chef Julia Child worked undercover for what is now known as the CIA credible sources revealed several other former Celebrity agents. I always wondered why Julia Child served Cold War cuts and now I know.

1. Mister Rogers- His slogan was won't you be my neighbor unless you're a dirty communist. Beneath his nice guy exterior Rogers was responsible for the deaths of many Russian spies using the sweater strangler technique.



2. Joan Rivers- A master of disguises due to her many plastic surgeries, Rivers made many missions into Nicaragua and Vietnam. She could never change her distinct voice however and was captured many times only to be sent back. Her captors couldn't handle criticism of their guerilla style uniforms.



3. The Odd couple Jack Lemon and Walter Matthau- The Odd couple indeed. These two nearly fought to the death several times during their spy careers including a cane fight on the set of Grumpy Old men. Lemon was brainwashed by Moscow to steal U.S. secrets, which is why he was the uptight one. Matthau was the CIA counter to stop Lemon and the Odd Couple TV show was the vehicle to ensure that they always crossed paths.



4. Desi Arnaz as Ricky Ricardo- A U.S. national hero, Ricardo was instrumental in stopping the Cuban Missile crisis. His famous quote "Fidelllllll don't you dare blow up the US of A" calmed Castro's nerves. Despite preventing a global crisis he was unable to stop Lucy and that darn pie machine.

5. Barbara Walters- Alive for more than 300 years her Benedict Arnold interview landed her a gig with the CIA. It's rumored that during one interrogation of Hitler her barrage of inaudible questions made him ask for a Teddy bear to hug.



6. Regis Philbin- The U.S. answer to Chinese water torture Philbin was a fixture at Guantanamo. With his patented bitter beer face and endless amounts of energy and enthusiasm Philbin cracked every single terror suspect in less than three hours. One suspect claimed "he was just too annoying and I gave up everything."

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Celebs license to suck

Celebrities can get away with anything: Arrogance, negligence, murder, but their biggest transgression is their license to suck. Time after time a celebrity who succeeds in movies or sports tries to crossover into the music industry and nobody stops to warn them that they are awful. Lindsey Lohan, Shaq/Kobe, and Scarlett Johansen are major stars that tried to launch successful singing careers with zero talent. No one in their mammoth sized entourages told them that people have ears. We can hear you and you suck. Some of you sound like spider monkeys fighting crying movie theater babies.

Then there are the singers like Jessica Simpson, Mariah Carey, and Britney Spears who try to act in films. Remind me if The Dukes of Hazard, Employee of the Month, Glitter, or Crossroads won any Oscars? In fact the above named actresses were like Barbie/Bratz dolls brought to life with performances so wooden and dumb that they turn little girls fantasies into nightmares. The next step for celebrities is to take over the show America's got talent where the celebrities can try juggling and fire breathing to impress David Hasselhoff. Even if Tom Cruise lights himself on fire and suffers third degree burns during his fire breathing act his agent will shower him with praise. It's on us the general public to put an end to this charade. Don't watch Kazaam on the Disney Channel, ignore the new KFed Cd ( I guess he is a celebrity), and stop supporting Oprah's modeling career by buying Oprah Magazine. Let them know they suck

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Salem Witches

One of our first blogs. I'm reposting it cause no one really read it.

Have you ever wondered what it was like to be alive during the puritan era of the 1600's? No? In this blog I want to give some of my theories as to why so many woman were labeled as witches and burned at the stake. Maybe they really were witches and weren't sharing the eye of newt with the rest of the village, but it seems unlikely. I think women were called witches in the 1600's if they had brooms but didn't clean. "Abby, please go clean the attic before the rodents appear." "No father I refuse." "She's a witch burn her!" Poor Abby she was probably going to clean later but she had church to go to at the time. If you refused to do the butter churn, you would have to instantly burn.

Also it was very convenient to label women as witches if you were a game-less guy and couldn't get a date with the girl that you liked. "Hey I think we should make out" "No thank you I'm not interested." "She's diddled Lucifer for fortnights, burn her!" Very mature guys. I bet they had giant bonfire parties for the girls, oh I mean witches, that didn't put out. What a great society that had to be. Salem either handed out burnings at the stakes like coupons for Arby's or smallpox for those lucky Indians.

Friday, August 1, 2008

Same sex marriage

The topic of same sex marriage frightens and upsets many people. Personally I think it is a non issue and that two people in love, who need green cards, or are marrying for financial benefit/status, should be allowed to get married. I really don't understand the die hards who are opposed to same sex marriages. Are you afraid that the divorce rate will go down? Gay couples probably are more likely to be better at to death do us part than straight couples. I'm betting that 50 percent of their marriages wouldn't end in divorce. Do you hate wedding planners? You might have seen those wedding planners act like stuck up whiners in the movies and want to keep money out of their pocket. I admit even I have bought into the Hollywood manipulated hate. The thing is though in real life they probably aren't much like the stereotyped characters you see in TV and movies. The extra income same sex marriages provide would be a boon to the economy and the weddings would be extravagant.

Are you afraid that you might learn how to dance or sing kareoke better at same sex weddings? If I was invited to a same sex marriage I'd take the opportunity to learn both skills, so I could belt out staying alive while not tripping over my feet. Another reason people may be opposed to gay weddings is that they are homophobic and couldn't handle seeing two men or women kiss when they tie the knot. Don't tell me you haven't seen any Will Ferrell movies or his old skits on SNL. You probably didn't walk out of the movie or change the channel. There you have it. There really is no reason not to support same sex marriages. Same sex divorces could be scary though because who would get the shoes.