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Sunday, June 29, 2008

Dance Crazes

Everyone loves a great dance craze. It started with "head, shoulders, knees and toes on that tuesday back in the day", the zany running man, the mullet rocking achy breaky shuffle, and the "moving around in a circle, never looked so nauseating" Macarena. Today we're going to look at some future possible dance crazes.

Tiny Tequilla- A dance where both dance partners do Tila Tequilla pole grind dance moves and then simulate down south adventures on each other. It might catch on at the high schools.

The Disney Channel- A dance in which there is no touching, not even innocent touching. Two second stares are allowed, however batting eyelashes too long is grounds for dance floor removal. You must be at least ten feet away from your partner and your dancing must not be sensual. You don't want to arouse your partners happy zone from across the room. Inspired by the Jonas brothers.

The Politician- First before doing the politician you lie and say you are a great dancer. Then you trip up over your own feet, put your foot in your mouth, spin spin spin, and backtrack away from the dance floor.

The Hand Grenade- Do some generic dance moves before faking like you are opening a pin of a grenade and throwing it into the dance floor somewhere. After five seconds jump two steps back, duck and cover your ears. This is a great dance at weddings

I'll take one of each - Starting with one partner, don't dance, but smash waistlines while you hold your drink above your head, throw pointer fingers at the bouncer, and wink furiously at each person you can find. Improvisation is welcomed. Next step is to slowly switch partners with the person next to you, and continuously wash the back of your pants or dress, with that partners frontal region. Pace yourself, because you're going to switch partners again in a minute

The Hangover- Grab your head like you have a headache and dance disoriented like you're a confused zombie that couldn't find any brains (my normal dancing style). Sporadically fling out the phrase, "i'm soo wasted."At the end drink water and fake like you are going to down two aspirin.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Heavens gate 2008

Hey everyone Tim from soge shirts reporting. Today I have an exclusive with Marshall Applewhite from the Heavens Gate Cult, who has taken his space ship back to earth to visit us.

Marshall Applewhite: West side!

Tim: uh that was random so Marshall how are you and your crew doing? The last we saw of you was after you took phenobarbital and put those purple shrouds over your faces.

Marshall Applewhite: Yeah don't forget the sweet black nikes we rocked or when all us dudes cut our balls off.

Tim: Oh yeah how did that work out for you.

Marshall Applewhite: Pretty sweet. We landed on Punani 5 the all women planet. There are so many hot chicks. Human compatible too.

Tim: So you retained your genitals.

Marshall Applewhite: No but I bang them in my mind. Its pretty intense.

Tim: Ah tough break tough break. So whats it like on the planet?

Marshall Applewhite: Well besides the hot alien poontang it kinda sucks. We really should of taken a ship full of toilet paper. They don't have it here. I could use a hands free phone I'll tell you that much.

Tim: Ugh gross.

Marshall Applewhite: Yeah high five (Marshall tries to high five me. I get out of the way.)

Tim: Hell no. What else about the planet?

Marshall Applewhite: The whole human colony ran out of shoes too. Our nikes finally crapped out on us so we have resorted to using the carcasses of our deceased to make new shoes.

Tim: You are one sick sob.

Marshall Applewhite: Yeah these are my second pair. Troy was good to me but is nothing compared to Kelvin. His skin is so soft and flexible. Great ankle support too.

Tim: I hate you. Moving on why did you come back here?

Marshall Applewhite: Summer movies of course. I gots to see Wanted and Pineapple Express looks like the best stoner comedy since knocked up. Of course pixar always brings the noise so Walle will be sweet.

Tim: How did you hear about the summer movies here?

Marshall Applewhite: Oh an alien friend of mine is living amongst you. You might have heard of him. Hes a former wwf wrestler with a cocky punk of a son. Their both trying to make money off a friends coma. Only heartless aliens would do that.

Tim: Ah that makes sense.

Marshall Applewhite: So did you see sex and the city?

Tim: Yeah my gf and I ...

Marshall Applewhite: Who's castrated now?

Tim: Touche.

Sunday, June 22, 2008

Stupid keywords

Here are some great stupid keywords phrases that will be sure to get you to the top page of google.

Abominable Snow Dildo- The Abominable snow man has been locked away in the matterhorn for years and so the abominable snow lady gets pretty lonely. She still has retained her natural urges thus the abominable snow dildo.

Headbanging jazzercise- You haven’t heard of the new headbanging jazzercise classes? Well me neither but jazzercise has to evolve and be relevant again. Headbanging is just the twist it needs.

Vegan animal haters- We all know that vegans hate meat but there are some that take it a step further and blame the animals themselves. "Stop dying and making meat," they yell at the animals.

cow tipping businessman- Only backwater people cow tip so I doubt this term has been taking. Write an article about leaving your corporate office and go cow tipping in your suit and tie. Hmm Dwight Schrute from the office might do this so act fast.

alcoholic monks- There is belgian beer blessed by monks so this is the next step. Its gonna happen, a monk is going to hit the bottle a lot. You’ll be there when it does as an alcoholic monk expert. This monk will chug twelve packs and listen to nirvana instead of achieving nirvana.

moral congressman- I haven't seen one so wake me up when this happens. Actually you probably won't get ranked high with this one cause every congressman lies and says that they are moral.

Amish phone operator- Like I said in my blog description above they can't use the internet or electricity in general. This one should be easy.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Godgle page rank

O deity godgle please bless me with a page rank of five some day. I've been a good boy. I pushed Yahoo down a flight of stairs. I threw MSN off a nine story building like it was Martin Sheen in the departed. Those sites megabite and I will megahurtz them. I must achieve a high page rank or else there is no point to this cursed life. With your page rank system you've created internet bums on the virtual street begging for a link to a high page ranking site. The sites that have achieved the high page rank are the oil barons setting their prices for links. You want a link? 500 bucks you pond scum site for the almighty godgle has blessed this site with a page rank of seven. Now bow down peasant webmasters. Oh mighty godgle why couldn't you have been humble and given a page rank of nine instead of ten. We know google is important but it makes you look like the Russian figure skating judge at the olympics when you give nines to yahoo, msn, and aol.

Thank you godgle for creating inequality on the internet and securing a system where the rich get richer. The real world did not have enough of those traits. We definitely needed a system where to rank high on search engines you have to start from the bottom and scrap, beg, and pay for links to the old money sites. Also a system where you google can change a site's page rank and the criteria for page rank at any time is quite helpful. Your mysterious ways so work for you. Please don't smite me and my tiny site as i'm doing my part to destroy yahoo. I will pile more spam onto the users of yahoo than a vegetarian luau. Thanks!

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

The Get Smart Blog

One of my favorite blogs out there has to be the Get Smart blog by my blogging buddy Bridget (three b's in a row yeah i went there). I can't really pinpoint how i'd describe it but in the words of Bridget " I have techie posts, girly posts, random posts, and even frustrated posts there are some people who read all of them, and then those that gravitate to what suits their particular tastes." You really never know what you are going to get whenever Bridget posts it could be a very helpful new tool in technology that will help you be more efficient on the internet like her post on or it could be an entertaining rant.

Bridget makes it obvious that her blog is a business blog trying to help promote her consulting company which is a site that aims to help take women in business to the next level. Although I am not a woman (checks down pants nope all dude) I decided to subscribe to her free newsletter because I was so impressed with the professionalism and the sample articles on the site. Besides all the great tech reviews, and the consulting advice, I find myself drawn to her blog because she says whats on her mind. If she's pissed or frustrated she lets her readers know and if she is in a good mood then her blog is going to be funny and witty. She also participated in the seven sins posts in which she gave her thoughts on every sin. The entertaining sins were quite amusing like envy and gluttony. So check out the getsmartgal blog if you want some good old tech reviews and social commentary.

Here are some other blogs I enjoy

Huckdoll's Hood - Not the typical mom blog huckdoll is funny and shares stories of her past.

regretful morning - blog full of entertaining regret stories full of drunken debauchery and funny things that people regret doing. Not for the faint of heart but it makes me laugh every time.

My life as it was, is, and will be-
A very spiritual blog. Very well written and leaves me more at peace with the world after I read it.

security for idiots
- This blog takes on all kind of issues and makes the argument with very sound reasoning. David who writes it should be an ambassador.

health nut wannabee mom blog- Great health tips always. Foods that help you lose weight, look younger, etc.

Ezgreatlife- Blog with great finance tips, family stories, and health tips from an All american dad

Monday, June 16, 2008

Paparazzi and Publicists

In today's blog i want to address the effect the media has on young female celebrities such as Britney Spears, Lindsey Lohan, Miley Cyrus etc. I want to preface this blog with an important note. The responsibility and actions taken by young female celebrities are mostly their own fault for any consequences that occur. That being said their are numerous factors that play into their bad decisions.
First of all the paparazzi are paid stalkers that get paid to dig up and try to catch these girls in the most compromising of positions. Just leave them alone when they are trying to use the restroom or are having a private family moment.

Secondly I swear that the day these girls turn 18 ,or 15 in Miley Cyrus's case, their publicists immediately get working on getting rid of that innocent image. Being responsible and grounded doesn't get media coverage or magazine covers and its boring. Instead publicists help convert their clients from wholesome to whoresome.These young ladies go from hello kitty to hello pussy, bobbing for apples to bobbing for aholes, spelling tests to pregnancy test,and from using ez bake ovens to being baked and easy. Its sad how much we know about these celebrities when it really shouldn't be any of our business. I would write more but I got to pick up an us weekly and go watch extra.

Friday, June 13, 2008

America's kids are soft

I was getting my haircut today and a ten year old adjacent to me was also getting a hair cut as well. Needless to say he was sneering more than Billy Idol having to do a performance in front of a retirement community. The lady cutting his hair had to tell him to not jump out of his chair. When she asked him if he wanted a lollipop he shouted no and stormed away like a gung ho civil war reenactment participant. I wouldn't have been surprised if she had yanked the hair spray bottle top off with her molars, and tossed it overhead at the kid like it was live and had 2 seconds until detonation. Now I could blame the softness and whiny attitudes on the parents but that is too easy. No I blame television. These kids growing up young in the last ten years have been exposed to Barney, The wiggles, Spongebob, Blues Clues, and bananas that giggle together and never wear business suits (aka Bananas in Pajamas). My generation grew up on bugs bunny and Tom and jerry. From them you learned sharing, caring, scheming and whooping ass in addition to learning how not to catch a road runner.

We better hope that this war in Iraq doesn't last a 100 years cause we are going to get our ass kicked. The next generation is going to bring nerf guns to a gun fight. Influenced by television the kids will try to stop the violence by performing a peachy keen dance number from High School Musical. I think its great to keep children as innocent as long as you can but they got to have some toughness too. Being in the real world sometimes is the equivalent of being a ninety year old boxer with arthritis fighting Jet Li. You're going to get knocked on your ass sometimes and you have to learn to deal with it.

Update: My M. Night Shyamalan theory has been proven correct. His movies do get worse and worse 20 percent rating on rotten tomatoes. Heres a quote from
"Shyamalan's such an eager recycler, grinding out the same ideas and images again and again. The man who showed such promise less than a decade ago has been leaving a diminishing creative footprint ever since."

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Realistic Fairy Tales

Once upon a time in a land not that far far away lived a young maiden named Sleet White who lived with seven dwarfs. The Dwarfs names were Sleepy, Dopey, Grumpy, Worthless, Battery, Crappy, and Felony. Also living with the beautiful damsel was her occasional live in boyfriend Prince Harming.

Sleet White: What a beautiful morning. The birds are alive and still not carrying bird flu and the grass is almost green. Now off to work you go my beloved dwarfs.

Crappy: Man screw this I'm so sick of riding our tandem bicycle to work.

Felony: Yeah stupid gas prices.

Sleet White: Put on a happy face you two or I'm going to tranquilize your next meal with prozac.

Battery: Put on a happy face! Have you ever thought about how bad being a dwarf sucks. You never give us any action. There aren't any other female dwarfs around here. Maybe one of us gets laid occasionally when we stack each other together like a totem pole and one of those alcoholic witches gets a little too crazy.

Felony: No shit we might as well go back to jail. Thats the last time I got some sexual healing.

Sleet White: Ugh you perverted dwarfs off to work with you. (she grabs a tattered broom and kicks them out of the house)

Meanwhile Prince Harming has just returned from his quest which is the modern day equivalent of a business trip. Sleet White rushes to greet him at the door and throws her arms around him.

Prince Harming: Is the air conditioning on? Babe you know we can't afford that.

Sleet White: What the hell I haven't seen you in months and you are bitching about me running the AC. Those Dwarfs stink up the house.

Prince Harming: Yeah well we can't afford it anymore. You see I got fired by my dad. In this new economy it turns out being a prince doesn't pay and I really don't have any job skills.

Sleet White: NOoooooooooo why does this always happen. Get the hell out of here and work with the dwarfs for now.

Prince Harming: On the corner? I will not degrade myself to be a dwarfen prostitute.

Sleet White: I don't believe you they work at the mine.

Prince Harming: The mine shut down a year ago. Nobody is making money off that old dump.

Sleet White: Look we need money now if your going to cheat on me at least make momma some money.

Prince Harming: I haven't cheated on you in weeks, I mean years. Oops.

Sleet White: I knew it! I knew you were seeing other women on these quests. You kept telling me that you were putting your sword in stones and I didn't think there were that many.

Prince Harming: Yes by Sword I mean my penis and by stones I mean vagi (Sleet White slaps Prince Harming in the face)

Sleet White: Get the hell out. You know what forget this. I'm out of here. (Sleet White trudges up to her room and takes 5000 pairs of shoes and stuffs them into a box)

Prince Harming: Good luck paying off your credit card bill.

Sleet White ended up leaving the house and never saw the dwarfs or Prince Harming again. She tried to buy a poison apple from the witch but her assisted suicide business went out of business. She lived somewhat unhappily ever after for ten years till the economy picked up and she used her fashion experience to start a moderately successful clothing line for dwarfs. The end.

Monday, June 9, 2008

National Spelling bees

Once again the national spelling bee occurred and once again a kid from India won it. I'm calling for all kids from India to be banned from all spelling bees in the future because of some of the huge advantages being from India provides. First is the obvious one Indian parents value education above all and force their kids to study for hours at a time. In America about only 70 percent of parents their force their kids to read books and study. The others plop them in front of the TV to watch High school musical or leave the kids on the internet unsupervised. For some reason that browser never ends up on a site about algebra or thermal dynamics. Another reason Indians always win spelling bees is they get to practice spelling their ridiculously long names. Spelling Napashtan Aronkathapan is going to give you a bit of the edge especially considering that as children they are probably expected to spell consonant packed names of their fellow class mates. Poor American kids get to practice spelling names like Tim, Jim, Ty, Bob, Rick, Dan, Ann, Sue. Thats just not going to get it done we got to start coming up with longer names so American children can win spelling bees. Like Timjimbobbyanadan as a first name. Its all about quality spelling quality spelling.

The third reason is the psychological edge that the Indian children have. They can engage in pre-spelling verbal warfare against American kids such as the following. "You better not choke on this word or in ten years I'm going to replace you and your dad at your telemarketing job" That is just too much for a 12 year old to worry about because he fears that the Indian kid could already replace his dad at his telemarketing job and thus he chokes more than an amateur hot dog eating contestant. Please Spelling bee organizers ban the Indian kids for at least one year so the American kids can finish third to another kid from a long name spelling Country.

Saturday, June 7, 2008

The awkward hug

Hugs can be soothing, reassuring, heartwarming, and frightening especially if you perform the dreaded awkward hug. The awkward hug is when you hesitate to hug a coworker, friend, ex, a first date etc and you have no idea what to do so you dodge to either side and give a pat on the back to the huggee. They may do the same cause its so hard to predict the hug technique of the other person. To prevent awkward hugs its best to preplan with the hugging target that its hugging time and that you are going out hugging. Get in there get your hug on, but make sure your genitals aren't touching of course so you need a little distance, and hug firmly with vigor. Its better to do a bear hug than a cold wet fish hug anyday. No one can blame you for hugging with enthusiasm. But if you do the texas two step pre hug and don't know how firm to hug its going to be more awkward than the bride catching the groom on their wedding day with all three of her bridesmaids.

Now on the flip side if someone hugs you and you just don't want to hug them back here is a tip. Use your voice and your legs! Jump back and say I'd rather not hug thanks. Cause if you hug someone that you don't want to hug its going to be a beyond awkward hug. Its better to reject someones hugs with words than by giving them the feeling that they are a hugless hobo that belongs in a pigsty. Remember awkward hugs are a problem. Its the 3182 leading cause of suicide. So if you are having problems with awkward hugs follow the advice in the blog above or call my toll free hotline 1-800-youdeservegoodhugs

Thursday, June 5, 2008

The Second most interesting man in the world

He once committed hari kari and is dead now

The color purple frightens him so he ordered a hit on barney the dinosaur

He only urinates when it rains

He was an oompa loompa in the willy wonka movies before he hit a growth spurt

He voted for Bush twice the second time while drinking kerosene

He thinks that the Olsen twins would not make great paperweights

He yells at his many girlfriends that they need to supersize it and then he throws a giant bag of french fries at them

He originally canceled family guy until people started whining. If he cancels it again he would be a national hero.

He never talks with his mouth full unless he has something really important to say

He once beat Bill Gates at Jeapardy no just kidding he beat him with a cane

Unlike the most interesting man in the world he does drink beer often

Hes drunk right now and passed out in your side yard

He has won the world tetherball championship ten years over and the prizes didn't even pay for beer money.

Cuban hookers know him by the name No dinero.

He plays tonsil hockey but there is no kissing involved only hockey sticks.

Canada knows of him and fears him

He joined the big brother foundation for the tax write off

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

No Passports for Traveling Pants

I became aware that they are making a sisterhood of the traveling pants 2 to which i ask one simple question .... why? I never saw the first movie and never will but my best understanding is four young women share laughs, love, and yogurt stains on a pair of jeans. What is going to change in the second one? They still are going to share laughs, friendship, and love but in this one is one of them going to have a time of the month accident? Or what if a seagull accidentally drops a birds eye plop on one of the ladies traveling pants. Will fistfights ensue if one of the heroins refuse to wear the pants for their next big traveling pants event? I can only hope. The amount of twists and turns these pants can take is just overwhelming.

Their is such an unlimited amount of plot lines you can do with the concept of shared pants. The ladies could spill wine on said pants, start out making love to their boyfriend in the pants and then remove pants hopefully dodging any love stains in the process, or they could fight to the death over the mystical powers the pants provide. They might do that for these are much more mighty than regular pants they are traveling pants. Another thing to bring up is what if one of these ladies as they age become too large for the traveling pants? (ugly betty maybe) Will they still have "Sisters of the Traveling pants 4: Around the world in 80 days in Traveling pants" So much to ponder for this great denim franchise as they go forward.

Monday, June 2, 2008

Star Wars vs Star Trek

As a nerd I understand how and why people can be passionate about many things. What I don't understand is when one fanatical nerd group thinks they are better than another fanatical nerd group. Case in point Star Wars fans vs. Star Trek fans. Star Wars fans think that Star Wars is the Filet Mignon of Science fiction and that Star Trek is a turd sandwich served with a side of fecal fries. Darth Vader pwns (nerd lingo for owns) Captain Kirk, Obi one super pwns Spock, and C3PO bitchily slaps Captain Picard. News flash nerds those that wear costumes, are of a greasy composition, and live in their parents basements should not be bashing those that wear costumes, are of a greasy composition, and live in their parents basements. Stop nerd on nerd crime.

Someday I have a dream where all intergalactic space based nerd theme show fans can come together and share some awkward costumes and Zimas. Star Wars fans with Star Trek fans and Battlestar Gallactica fans etc. Maybe even some will fall in love and have a whole mess of costumed babies who will be ostracized and beaten up by the non costumed children of public schools. Until this magnificent dream of nerd unity occurs I will use the force and live long and prosper.