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Friday, November 28, 2008

Twitter glossary updated

I like using twitter to keep up with my favorite blogs and let my many awesome extremely intelligent and remarkable fans know that I have a new blog post to annoy them er entertain them with. One thing that I love about twitter is its 140 character limit. This forces me to send little short blurbs that hopefully get to the point. Usually these points are whining. Twitter is great for whining. I like complaining about the 70 degree and sunny weather out here in southern california to my twitterati buddies just to confuse and anger them. Nothing better than receiving a 140 character profanity laced tirade. In twitter when you send a message its called a tweet. I'm sure they would have called it Tweeter if it wasn't for that stupid electronics store. When i send a message its called a twit. Tweets are important my twits are usually stupid and pointless like having a 162 game baseball regular season. If you're new to twitter here is some lingo used in the twitter world.

Twitthore- basically a person that sends more that 200 messages on twitter a day and updates their status every five seconds. A twit whore if you will.

taking a twit- people that take the what are you doing a little too seriously and leave the status of their current bathroom activities.

twatters- people like me who like to bitch on twitter. "my dog died today" boo hoo you twatter. Just kidding thats pretty sad.

twitty- people who can be witty and amuse via twitter. If you are fortunate enough to have some of these as friends bleed them for all the entertainment you can get.

Twitting the hay- When twitter decides to crap out and have technical problems preventing tweets from being sent.

pitch twitter- somebody who tweets for one of their friends while their friend is on vacation.

big twitties- No its not about boobs you pervs, although I wish it was. Big twitties are members of twitter that have over 3,000 followers and can influence the social media spectrum with one tweet.

too legit to twit- Bloggers who think be a magpie, the service that pays people to occasionally put ads in their tweets, is a bad idea or pretty lame.

pity twittys- messaging someone on your twitter friend list not because they have something interesting to say but because they are lonely.

Follow me on twitter at

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Vampires always get the girl

With the movie twilight pulling in 70 million opening weekend its safe to say that the ladies love vampires. The vampire as a romantic character has existed throughout time and the fascination by women with vampires is to me driven by the whole neck fetish vampires have. Despite their affinity for necks the vampires goal is to not trigger one of the women's erogenous zones, but instead to bite the neck and suck up the blood.

Yet sensitive vampires sell and are all over the place. Sensitive vampires such as Edward from Twilight or Angel from Buffy the vampire slayer will choose hot passion with a mortal over their thirst for blood. Yes usually the vampires cast in movies such as Interview with the vampire and Twilight etc are considered by most women to be good looking guys, but why do vampires get more action than other monsters? Zombies are hideously ugly and I don't believe there has ever been a romantic zombie movie where the zombie gets the normal girl. Perhaps if the zombie decided to eat womens earlobes while first nibbling on their ears to warm up instead of brains he would get more play. Certainly like vampires zombies must occasionally have a sensitive young monster who cares more about the girl than the delicious ear lobe he can devour.

Another thing is why are vampires always skinny? You never see a vampire with a beer belly. They are always fit and in shape. It would be kinda funny to see an out of shape vampire try frantically to find a female to seduce/catch and fail miserably. Vlad the inhaler or something. For some reason I don't think the overweight sensitive vampire will be quite the hit with the ladies.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Monopoly's Mr. Moneybags falls on hard times

This week Soge Shirts got to interview Mr. Moneybags from the board game monopoly. He has fallen on hard times during this economic crisis as he is unable to sell any of his properties since no one has money to buy. We caught up with him sniffing glue at Baltic avenue.

Soge shirts: Mr. Moneybags I just saw that you were trying to sell Marvin Gardens on craigslist for 3000 dollars? Is that true?

Mr. Moneybags: Hell yes its true do you think 3000 is too high? I can go lower I'll sell it to you for twelve bucks and a dime bag.

Soge shirts: No thanks. With no income coming in how are you adjusting to your life as a common man?

Mr. Moneybags: Not very well I'll tell you what. I used to have three ways with miss scarlett from clue and Princess Frostine from candyland. Last week I hooked up with Mr. Peanut and Pop from Rice krispies.

Soge shirts: Well at least you popped a nut I hope just kidding.

Mr. Moneybags starts to cry.

Soge shirts: Sorry that was inappropriate. How are your investments in utilities and the railroads doing?

Mr. Moneybags: I sold those years ago to buy the first car to run on that corn shit. Who knew when times are tough that people would still pay for water and electricity.

Soge shirts: If the property market continues to hover or decline whats next for Mr. Moneybags?

Mr. Moneybags: I'm going to pass go 5000 times to make another million you asshole. I'll have to move in with my son or steal Wilfred Brimley's identity. We look somewhat alike.

Soge shirts: Aside from your tumbling finances do you have any regrets?

Mr. Moneybags: My ties to Halliburton really screwed me. I donated to the Bush campaign and thought that Cheney would make me billions with those sweet defense contracts but instead Cheney shot me in the back on a quail hunt.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

James Bond should be bald

With the new Bond movie Quantum of Solace coming out tomorrow I thought it would be fun to give ten reasons why his life would be so much easier as a bald man.

1. He would be faster and more aerodynamic.

2. Bond could be funnier and played by someone such as Larry David from Curb your Enthusiasm.

3. He wouldn't have to deal with having all that sex all the time thus avoiding the femme fatale that always almost kills him.

4. He could settle down with Moneypenny and have children and their kids would be kidnapped all the time. Nevermind that would suck.

5. The opening credit songs featuring the naked silhouette girls would feature some head rubbing (not the fun kind)

6. Jason Statham would fulfill his mission to ruin the movie industry for the end of time.

7. Bond would probably be a wuss and pay money on his gambling winnings leading to movie titles such as IRS Internal Revenge service.

8. I can't come up with any more good reasons Bond would be horrible as a bald man.