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Tuesday, July 29, 2008

It's over American mimes

The American Mime used to be able to make a pretty penny from doing the lean, the rope, and the mime trapped in the box. With acrobatic french mimes from Cirque de Soleil, that isn't going to cut it anymore. It's time to step your game up American mime. Why should we watch your same humdrum unfunny antics when we can watch crazy mime contortionists doing backflips and summersaults 300 feet in the air?

You need to free yourself from the limitations of your box. Maybe you should copy the whimsical nature of the French mimes. At least copy their magical butter and fat based diets. Mix in a baguette and some wine, and you could do the splits while twirling downwards on a curtain that is hanging from the rafters. Next try holding your breath underwater for ten minutes, while doing your box routine. It will be more believable. Get your mime on while bungee jumping off the golden gate bridge. Go hang gliding blindfolded. Whatever you do, that mime sad face and waving isn't going to cut it anymore. You better take my criticisms to heart because I hear those French mimes just bought some blindfolds and a hang glider.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Youtub: Comic Con 2008

Ah Comic Con the only weekend in San Diego where there are more hot bloggers than hot bodies, more peter pans than those that tan, and of course variety size Princess Leas in gold bikinis. There is something both disturbing and noble about a thirty five year old man dressed up as Spock. Disturbing in that he refuses to let his childhood idle die when he is a grown man. Noble in that he refuses to let his childhood idle die when he is a grown man.

Comic Con is a second Halloween where adults can be kids. These adults which I will refer to as basementers, as they usually reside in basements building their sci-fi and anime collections, make huge sacrifices to worship their heroes. Sunlight? No way. Monitor light is all they need. Money? Spent it all on a Dragon Ball Z Goku limited edition card. Reproducing? Unlikely, unless the perfect comic, anime, sci-fi loving gal or guy of their dreams strides into the Comic Con Convention center room. However when two Comic Con goers of the opposite sex meet and sparks/emoticons fly, get out of the way. When they finally get those costumes off the passion from the couple could be radioactive, and you might accidentally become the next superhero... or die. It truly is dangerous when light sabers and Green Females are flung around aimlessly hollering Klingon battle cries.

I didn't get tickets this year to Comic Con 2008 because I'm saving for a World of Warcraft upgrade. Everybody has a little nerd in them, would you like a little more lol lol lol rofl jk jk jk super jk

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Phrase Craze

Time heals all wounds, and also bleeping kills you.

Mimes suck at spelling bees.

Two wrongs don't make a right. Two rights make a Jeopardy contestant.

Early to bed early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy, and boring.

If at first you don't succeed, fail at something else.

Think outside the box, unless your in a cubicle.

Give a man a fish and he eats for a day. Teach a man to fish and he catches a lot of fish, before he gets sick of fish and gorges himself on McDonalds.

Love is blind, but lust has 20/20.

Know thyself unless you are a teenage boy, in which case stop knowing yourself all the time.

An apple a day keeps the doctor, HMO, PPO, clinic and all that other garbage away.

Friday, July 18, 2008

Soge shirts review: The Dark Knight

This was the kind of movie where the nerds walking in to the theaters dressed in joker costumes transform into the coolest guys walking out of the theater. The kind of movie that makes 11 dollar tickets and 7 dollar popcorn seem like a bargain. The type of movie that will inspire someone from the future to build a time machine and stop Heath Ledger from mixing his pills, so he can give more haunting, mesmerizing performances. The type of movie that allows us to escape reality, while at the same time be conscientious of the harsh realities we face in this day and age. The movie that converts fanboys into fanmen. The type of movie that forces Spiderman, The Hulk, Iron Man, and Superman to question their superhero credentials and retire before they embarrass themselves.

This is The Dark Knight a film of such epic proportions that seeing it once isn't enough to process all the tension, force, and subtlety of its brilliance. Compelling bad guys, heroic good guys, choices with consequences, and people in peril whose lives are on the line. See this movie and you will remember what its like to breathe after being buried underground, fly after losing your pilots license, or what its like to make unreasonably ridiculous life comparisons like I just made. Just see it. You won't be disappointed.

Monday, July 14, 2008

Incredible inventions

Here are some interesting/cool/awful inventions that would either make Thomas Edison proud or jump out of his grave to strangle me.

Bad idea buzz- Whenever you get a bad idea you have a neurotransmitter implanted into your brain that jolts you. Bad ideas include makeup sex, breakup sex, road rage, credit card debt, various drugs, and Rob Schneider movies.

Invisible condom- Works just like a condom but it's invisible. The slogan will be I swear its on there.

Don't do that slapper- A device hooked up to a child or young teen till they are 18 that has slap hands at the ready if they do something dumb. Can either get slapped in the face or spanked. Not for creepy bedroom antics.

The double book- A book taped together to the back of another book. Might be especially effective for authors that write shitty novels. The buy in bulk concept could be the only selling point.

Bong pong- Like beer pong, but you take a hit every time you lose a point. You might be eating the paddles after the end of this game.

the knork- This was going to be an awesomely stupid invention in which I taped a fork to a knife so you could use both at the same time but I googled it and some guy made the knork. Its actually quite good and he made millions.

the onesome- Not an invention but a semi new phrase coined by the urban dictionary that hasn't caught on. Basically masterbating but way cooler. "Oh man last night was so crazy! I drank some vodka and knocked over the computer chair when i was having an intense onesome with myself." See much cooler.

Friday, July 11, 2008

The Joker stops by

The Soge shirts blog today was nice and or foolish enough to let me The Joker write a guest blog. They wanted to know what kinda hijinks I do during the day when I'm not trying to kill that flying rodent in the flamboyant suit. I'm a pretty normal guy. I once shot a man in Reno, but I didn't have time to watch him die cause I was busy shooting at the cops. Just a little joker humor. Shit I gotta go feed my cats. K I'm back. Well right now I gotta find a new makeup girl. The last one started to get a huge crush on me. Yeah I may have had sex with her forty or fifty times but she should have known that it wasn't a relationship. It was more of a relaytionship bwahahahahaha... well screw you guys awful puns are funny. You know what I don't get? Sudoku I don't effing get it. If I want to solve annoying number puzzles I'll do my taxes thank you very much. As a criminal of course I won't ever be doing those. Maybe my crew and I should go hold up the IRS offices or the DMV. Not for the money but to give them the oh shit this is going to be a bad day feeling that regular folks get when they walk into those hell holes.

Speaking of crime you know what is a real crime? Paying over four dollars for any coffee based beverage from starbucks. I rob Starbucks as much as possible, but they always end up robbing me a little bit more. Shit I ran out of ADD pills no wonder this blog is all over the place like motivated ants at a picnic. Anyways in my day to day life I like to do a little reading, watch some Its Always Sunny in Philadelphia on dvd, and lose all my robbery winnings on online poker. I can't catch a break on those online sites. I need some freaking jokers in the deck to make a hand lolz. Well its been fun gang I'm gonna take me a little napparoo just in case I feel like trying to kill the batman tonight. I might as well cause summer TV sure sucks ass.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Dumb is the new stupid!

When did becoming stupid become trendy? When did intelligence become a negative trait to sweep under the rug? In today's culture I have noticed that being dumb is cool and being intelligent makes you lame or a total loser as the kids say. In this day an age working at mickey d's is cooler than having phd's. I was watching that The Soup show on E and they had a clip from the teen or tween Disney movie Camp Rock. Girl A said something like "you always trash what everybody else likes!" While girl B retaliated with a series of cringe inducing forehead sign language including the L to the forehead for loser. Girl C translated that Girl B said "whatever major loser." Thank you Disney for making America's kids stupider. Now this particular clip focuses on young girls but I've noticed that Disney is starting to portray all young people as brainless, bubble gum chewing, herd following drones. Sadly it seems this trend has affected 11-17 year old women more than any other group. This trend happened when i was in high school ten years ago so Disney is not the only one to blame.

Young girls intentionally dumb themselves down in junior high and high school to be popular and to receive attention from guys. If they think this is the only way to fit in socially they must have the self esteem of an overweight manatee. Something must explain this phenomenon of brains = totally megalamers. Text messaging isn't to blame either even though sometimes when I laugh I think to myself lol and just want to kill myself. I suppose shows like Saved by the Bell when I was growing up were no different. Stupid equaled cool then and it equals cool now apparently. Maybe someday I will be able to figure this out but I'm going to stop searching for answers so as not to be appear as a smart major loser.

Friday, July 4, 2008

Founding Fathers return

Thomas Jefferson and Ben Franklin at Pacific Beach in San Diego for the fourth of July 2008.

Ben Franklin: Look at all those sexy girls in bikinis. I'd founding father her baby, her baby, her baby, her baby...

Thomas Jefferson: My word man. Get a hold of yourself. You're a founding father not a fondling father.

Ben Franklin: More like a pounding father... up top (he tries to get Jefferson to high five him and is rejected)

Thomas Jefferson: Ben in these modern times you have acquired the dominating trait of oafish buffoonery.

Ben Franklin ignores him and sits down by two attractive college age ladies in bikinis.

Ben Franklin: Hey girls what's going on?

Amber: Not much just trying to kick back, relax, and not get hit on.

Trisha: Yeah it's not going well so far.

Ben Franklin: Cool, cool. Hey do you know what would be the worlds shortest play?

Thomas Jefferson: Excuse my friend ladies for his unabashed rudeness.

Amber: It's ok. What would be the worlds shortest play?

Ben Franklin: The penis monologues. It would be one sentence. My penis either has a raging hard on or tinkles. The end.

Amber and Trisha laugh.

Trisha: That was good.

Thomas Jefferson: Ladies did you know that on this day in 1776 I penned the declaration of independence thus giving you these days of beach pleasantries?

Amber: Yeah that's cool I guess.

Ben Franklin: So girls do you put the bi in bifocals?

Trisha: Only when we've had too much to drink.

Ben Franklin pulls out two Smirnoffs from his coat.

Ben Franklin: Here you go girls drink up. It's the fourth.

The girls take the bottles.

Amber: Thanks.

Thomas Jefferson: Do you ladies enjoy fireworks?

Trisha: Sure you have some?

Thomas Jefferson: Indeed, a bottle rocket beneath my trousers.

Amber: Ew guy thats gross.

Ben Franklin: His wig is a little too tight.

Trisha: Ah ok.

Thomas Jefferson: Damsels did you know that mass amounts of alcohol lead to impaired judgment and could lead to relations with a man considered quite frightful by 18th century standards?

Ben Franklin: Excuse us.

Ben pulls Thomas aside.

Ben Franklin: Why are you loin blocking me?

Thomas Jefferson: You're loin blocking me you stocky hamburgler.

Two life guards walk up to amber and Trisha and are examining the smirnoff bottle. The girls point at the founding fathers.

Lifeguard: Guys can you come over here?

Thomas Jefferson: Let's get out of here before we lose our independence.

Thomas Jefferson and Ben Franklin run away as fast as they can. They get caught and spend the fourth in jail.

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Juice boosts

juice boosts- Jamba juice or any juice store has many fantastic boosts that you can add to your drink to make life better. From energy boosts, memory boosts, and protein boosts there are so many things that can give you an extra kick. That being said as Mr. Burns from the Simpson states "I'd trade it all for a little bit more." Here are my ideas for boosts that Jamba Juice and other juice companies haven't thought of yet.

pms remover- Not just for ladies either as their is such a thing as male pms. Those crabby moods got to go. Boost it.

the secret of life- Give me the secret of life boost please. Is it inner peace, unlimited friends, being Hue Hefner? Should be a tasty boost with a mango madness juice.

ego debooster- Sometimes we might have too big of an ego. I need something that will bring me down to a nice even keel so I can quietly think I'm better than you. Just kidding friends!

good timing- The good timing boost would be huge. You get that promotion just when you're jerk boss gets fired so you take his job. You get that sweet parking spot at the mall or sporting event and your dog decides to do his business in the back yard instead of on your walks. One berry smoothie with good timing please.

the right thing to say- whether its to your significant other when he/she is mad, or a pickup line at the bar. Its nice to use a witty comeback or ace a promising job interview by using language as your friend. The right thing to say boost would be huge.

time traveling- This one is self explanatory. Get to work Jamba juice. In fact if anyone has time travel capabilities go to the future so we can get the time travel boost in our juice.

Economic- We definitely need a green tea delight with an economic boost cause we certainly aren't getting it from the government or wall street. It might be the only green you see for awhile lol lol lol sigh.