Mark Zuckerberg remakes the constitution

Mark Zuckerberg: Eww this constitution is so Eww it really needs to have some changes made.

Thomas Jefferson: Changes? What changes pray tell should we make to the constitution it's nearly a document of perfection and my life's work?

Mark Zuckerberg: Omg have you seen me fiddle with Facebook. Every document even the Constitution, should be fiddled with every three months, even if the changes make the document worse.

Ben Franklin: What do you suggest Mark?

Mark Zuckerberg: First we got to get rid of this We the people crap. We need more room for pictures at the top and status updates. I just changed my status on the top of the constitution to Mark Zuckerberg is fixing up the constitution. Needs lot of work... LOL

Thomas Jefferson: Why do we need pictures at the top of the constitution?

Mark Zuckerberg: Don't you want to see what Johnny A and Georgie W are up to? I bet they are taking some awesome drunken pics with John Handcock.

Ben Franklin: It's Hancock.

Mark Zuckerberg: Whatevs. Just changed my status update to Ben Franklin is Bifocalsexual. LOL. Oh by the way Thomas Jefferson you just got a constitution relationship request from Sally.

Thomas Jefferson: I know no such Sally. Please deny her formal request for indicating we are in a relationship.

Mark Zuckerberg: Too late. Already accepted it. She already posted on the preamble part that you are the baby's daddy. Oh man my version of the constitution is much more entertaining.

Ben Franklin: This is an abomination. What business is it of ours to know of Jefferson's trysts and non political escapades?

Mark Zuckerberg: Apparently everyone's. James Madison just wrote like, and now Alexander Hamilton and Aaron Burr are arguing over just how big of a scuzzbucket you are Jefferson. This is getting so good.

Thomas Jefferson: Look at the malice and mayhem you are causing with all these changes to the constitution. This needs to stop.

Mark Zuckerberg: I agree I just changed the constitution again to add locations to check in. Paul Revere checked in at the Boston horse shop and the British just got hold of it and stopped him from riding to Lexington.

Ben Franklin: You fool you just got Hancock and Samuel Adams arrested by the King.

Mark Zuckerberg: Oh well one less beer off the market, I'm so sad LOL. Now I'm off to change the status of the Gettysburg address. Later Failing fathers.

Founding Fathers return

Thomas Jefferson and Ben Franklin at Pacific Beach in San Diego for the fourth of July 2008.

Ben Franklin: Look at all those sexy girls in bikinis. I'd founding father her baby, her baby, her baby, her baby...

Thomas Jefferson: My word man. Get a hold of yourself. You're a founding father not a fondling father.

Ben Franklin: More like a pounding father... up top (he tries to get Jefferson to high five him and is rejected)

Thomas Jefferson: Ben in these modern times you have acquired the dominating trait of oafish buffoonery.

Ben Franklin ignores him and sits down by two attractive college age ladies in bikinis.

Ben Franklin: Hey girls what's going on?

Amber: Not much just trying to kick back, relax, and not get hit on.

Trisha: Yeah it's not going well so far.

Ben Franklin: Cool, cool. Hey do you know what would be the worlds shortest play?

Thomas Jefferson: Excuse my friend ladies for his unabashed rudeness.

Amber: It's ok. What would be the worlds shortest play?

Ben Franklin: The penis monologues. It would be one sentence. My penis either has a raging hard on or tinkles. The end.

Amber and Trisha laugh.

Trisha: That was good.

Thomas Jefferson: Ladies did you know that on this day in 1776 I penned the declaration of independence thus giving you these days of beach pleasantries?

Amber: Yeah that's cool I guess.

Ben Franklin: So girls do you put the bi in bifocals?

Trisha: Only when we've had too much to drink.

Ben Franklin pulls out two Smirnoffs from his coat.

Ben Franklin: Here you go girls drink up. It's the fourth.

The girls take the bottles.

Amber: Thanks.

Thomas Jefferson: Do you ladies enjoy fireworks?

Trisha: Sure you have some?

Thomas Jefferson: Indeed, a bottle rocket beneath my trousers.

Amber: Ew guy thats gross.

Ben Franklin: His wig is a little too tight.

Trisha: Ah ok.

Thomas Jefferson: Damsels did you know that mass amounts of alcohol lead to impaired judgment and could lead to relations with a man considered quite frightful by 18th century standards?

Ben Franklin: Excuse us.

Ben pulls Thomas aside.

Ben Franklin: Why are you loin blocking me?

Thomas Jefferson: You're loin blocking me you stocky hamburgler.

Two life guards walk up to amber and Trisha and are examining the smirnoff bottle. The girls point at the founding fathers.

Lifeguard: Guys can you come over here?

Thomas Jefferson: Let's get out of here before we lose our independence.

Thomas Jefferson and Ben Franklin run away as fast as they can. They get caught and spend the fourth in jail.

Founding fathers: a present day conversation

Thomas Jefferson and Ben Franklin enjoying a conversation in present day Philadelphia at the local seven eleven.


Thomas Jefferson: Benjamin Franklin whence has our language of English dissipated into the current cesspool like state of ill be gone skull duggery?

Benjamin Franklin: Relax bro. You just got to roll with the times you know what i'm saying?

Thomas Jefferson: Pray tell whatever do you mean? The tongue of a 2008 imbecile you have acquired and I have no thought, whim, or idea of what you are speaking of.

Benjamin Franklin: I'm sick of your bullshit dawg. Can't you be cool for once.

Thomas Jefferson: Must every syllable out of your mouth be of cursory? You swear as frequently as the tealess distributors of the East India tea company.

Benjamin Franklin: That is how we talk down here. Swear words are adjectives for example right now i'm going to do some bomb ass mushrooms and fly a kite yo.

Thomas Jefferson: You will locate me yonder as I would prefer to exclude myself from the proximity of these mushroom ass bombs. They sounds quiet unpleasant.

Benjamin Franklin: Bitch go buy me some funyuns . For such a smart guy you aren't adjusting too well to the 2000's. Oh snap I just got a text from the JQA.

Thomas Jefferson: Who prey tell is the JQA?

Benjamin Franklin: John Quincy Adams fool. He's in vegas with two call girls and he's down on his luck cause he just lost his horses at the tables.

Thomas Jefferson: Well at least he retained his slave workers.

Benjamin Franklin: Shit son do you want to get capped? There ain't no slaves here. That was our worst idea. This world is all about equality. We may speak like dumb ass mo fo's sometimes but at least we get along down here. Remember all men are created equal and that includes women as well.

Thomas Jefferson: I see but without other people taking up my flowerly pursuits and chores how will i ever get out my eloquent documents and phrases, many of which are completely irrelevant in todays world?

Benjamin Franklin: You're still a rich ass white man. Just pay the less well off to do the work for you.

Thomas Jefferson: Well put well put. Now i know what you are saying.