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Friday, July 4, 2008

Founding Fathers return

Thomas Jefferson and Ben Franklin at Pacific Beach in San Diego for the fourth of July 2008.

Ben Franklin: Look at all those sexy girls in bikinis. I'd founding father her baby, her baby, her baby, her baby...

Thomas Jefferson: My word man. Get a hold of yourself. You're a founding father not a fondling father.

Ben Franklin: More like a pounding father... up top (he tries to get Jefferson to high five him and is rejected)

Thomas Jefferson: Ben in these modern times you have acquired the dominating trait of oafish buffoonery.

Ben Franklin ignores him and sits down by two attractive college age ladies in bikinis.

Ben Franklin: Hey girls what's going on?

Amber: Not much just trying to kick back, relax, and not get hit on.

Trisha: Yeah it's not going well so far.

Ben Franklin: Cool, cool. Hey do you know what would be the worlds shortest play?

Thomas Jefferson: Excuse my friend ladies for his unabashed rudeness.

Amber: It's ok. What would be the worlds shortest play?

Ben Franklin: The penis monologues. It would be one sentence. My penis either has a raging hard on or tinkles. The end.

Amber and Trisha laugh.

Trisha: That was good.

Thomas Jefferson: Ladies did you know that on this day in 1776 I penned the declaration of independence thus giving you these days of beach pleasantries?

Amber: Yeah that's cool I guess.

Ben Franklin: So girls do you put the bi in bifocals?

Trisha: Only when we've had too much to drink.

Ben Franklin pulls out two Smirnoffs from his coat.

Ben Franklin: Here you go girls drink up. It's the fourth.

The girls take the bottles.

Amber: Thanks.

Thomas Jefferson: Do you ladies enjoy fireworks?

Trisha: Sure you have some?

Thomas Jefferson: Indeed, a bottle rocket beneath my trousers.

Amber: Ew guy thats gross.

Ben Franklin: His wig is a little too tight.

Trisha: Ah ok.

Thomas Jefferson: Damsels did you know that mass amounts of alcohol lead to impaired judgment and could lead to relations with a man considered quite frightful by 18th century standards?

Ben Franklin: Excuse us.

Ben pulls Thomas aside.

Ben Franklin: Why are you loin blocking me?

Thomas Jefferson: You're loin blocking me you stocky hamburgler.

Two life guards walk up to amber and Trisha and are examining the smirnoff bottle. The girls point at the founding fathers.

Lifeguard: Guys can you come over here?

Thomas Jefferson: Let's get out of here before we lose our independence.

Thomas Jefferson and Ben Franklin run away as fast as they can. They get caught and spend the fourth in jail.



I read somewhere that Benjamin Franklin was a ladies man. I would hate to really see him in this day and age as you have pointed out. Your a funny guy.

Gail Alexander said...

Was there a little too much celebrating going on before you wrote this piece? Happy 4th of July!

Bridget @ said...

Ok I was trying to think of something snarky to say and Gail beat me to it! Funny comment for a funny post.

HMBT said...

Hey Wait! I thought the founding fathers were cannibals! I'm so very confused now, thanks.

nepspeed82 said...

Nice story. Is Thomas Jefferson really that uptight during his days?

By the way, I think you're having a site reconstruction going on here.