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Thursday, May 29, 2008

Dr. Phil on Sesame Street

Dr. Phil: Hello everyone on todays show I'm going to do something different. I'm tired of all the bitching and moaning from humans about whether your stupid nobody cares relationships work out or not. In fact I hope they fail so I can do my Dr. Phil magic and make more millions. So today I'm going to converse with some down to earth puppets on Sesame street. I'll start with my favorite Elmo. Elmo how are you today?

Elmo: Elmo doing good Dr. Phil.

Dr. Phil: Quit teaching the kids to speak in third person Elmo or I'll Dr Philslap you. Elmo may I tickle you?

Elmo: Elmo has a restraining order against you bad Dr. Phil so if you want to go to the slammer slap away.

Dr. Phil: Oh crap I forgot you're right Elmo. Remember always get permission in writing to tickle someone boys and girls. Moving on Count are you finally paying your kids child support.

Count: I've lost count of my finances so I don't remember.

Dr. Phil: You've got three babies mommas and how many kids are out of wedlock?

Count: 1 illegitimate children 2 illegitimate children 3 illegitimate children 4 illegitimate children.

Dr. Phil: Count don't plant your seeds in the garden and call it an orange grove. You are making way too many orange groves and those groves are becoming rotten and unloved. You go give your next three sesame street checks to those kids or you will be counting one black eye and two black eyes.

Count: Ok ok please don't hurt me.

Dr. Phil: Bert and Ernie nice of you to take a break from your twenty year honeymoon. You two are in that bathtub more often than a pig is in the mud.

Bert: You think we're in a gay puppet relationship with each other?

Ernie: Eww gross Dr. Phil. Bert is such a queen and I'm only attracted to bears like Cookie Monster. Me and him have been together for years. Bert has been with Big bird since the beginning of time.

Bert: They don't call him big bird for nothing. Tee hee.

Dr. Phil: Too much info Bert. My mistakes fellas. Even my genius omnipresent magnificent baldness is wrong some of the time. Oscar I want to ask you a question?

Oscar: Do your worst ass face.

Dr. Phil: Dirty guy with a dirty mouth. Oscar why do you hate yourself?

Oscar: I guess it all started when my mother left my father oh wait no as bad as this trash can smells it smells a whole lot better than the filth that is the human race.

Dr. Phil: Don't you dare Oscar. Don't you dare crap on a cracker and call it caviar.

Elmo: Elmo says you're a douche Dr. Phil.

Dr. Phil slaps Elmo

Oscar: Call the cops he finally did it. We'll never have to see this jerk off on tv again.

Sesame Street: Yay!

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Choose your own adventure haikus

Remember choose your own adventure books. Basically they were from the 80's and were awfully stupid books in which you had two options of events and you would pick one. For example go into the sparkling meadow or into the cavernous bat cave. Choose right and you would get to make another mind boggling decision. Choose wrong and your sexually assaulted by a meadow elf. Today in the blog we are going to play choose your own adventure haiku style. You make the decisions and depending on what you choose you get a corresponding haiku that will tell you your destiny. Don't cheat and see what the other haiku would have brought till your done with the whole blog.

Its memorial day and although you are pretty excited that you have the day off the weather is cooperating as much as a mental patient drinking red bulls free of his straightjacket. You think to yourself that seeing a movie or staying in reading a
nice book and drinking some hot cocoa might be nice. Choose your adventure book or movie. Book Haiku is 1A and then the movie haiku is 1B.

1A: Book haiku

Good books are nowhere

Barbara Walters book out

Too much sex details

1B: Movie Haiku

Indiana Jones

Is sold out Speed Racer Sucks

Waste of time and cash

Memorial day comes and goes and some new decisions are to be made at work. Your job is easy but your boss is a disrespectful douche that has more anger problems than Mel Gibson. Do you a.) take a slightly more challenging job with a slight decrease in salary? or b) Stay the course and keep receiving verbal beatings like you are wearing the scarlett letter? Take a new job is 2A and the same job is 2B

2A: New Job Haiku

Freedom and relief

Promotion achieved quickly

Things are looking up

2B: Same job haiku

Tired of this crap

Jump kick Satan out window

New orange jumpsuit

You get your stimulus check and you have a couple options on how you want to spend it. Should you put it away your kids college fund or buy a new plasma hdtv. College fund haiku is 3A and hdtv is 3B.

3A: College haiku

Money for drugs yay

Major in basket weaving

Darn that worthless kid


Hours of quality

Your kid will be happier

High def is worth it

Friday, May 23, 2008

Social Media= Unsocial Me

I love social media and social networks, I do, but their comes a point when I need to pull myself away from them and actually be social out in real life. I think that goes for all of us who use them. Here are the signs that you may need a break.

1. You've stumbled upon the whole internet including the upside down transgendered clown site but you've yet to stumble upon your significant other in weeks.

2. When you make jokes like "That book is on the New York times bestseller list? I haven't reddit."

3. Your self esteem depends on getting popular on digg and just like high school you aren't popular.

4. You've signed up for other social networks even though you know you aren't going to use them ever. (I'm looking at you Ryze)

5.You have more blog catalog friends then the population of china.

6. You meet with your closest friends on twitter and make the coffee shops sad.

7. You drop more entrecards than Timbaland drops beats.

8. You think facebook applications are fun and useful, especially the funwall.

9. You think mybloglog kinda sounds sexual. Hint if this happens stumbleupon your boyfriend or girlfriend or transgendered clown. Cause you are hard up.

There you have it. Go spend time with friends, and family, and your spouses etc. The social networks will still be here... and I'll have 5000 friends on each suckers bwahahhaha.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Twitter Glossary

I like using twitter to keep up with my favorite blogs and let my many awesome extremely intelligent and remarkable fans know that I have a new blog post to annoy them er entertain them with. One thing that I love about twitter is its 140 character limit. This forces me to send little short blurbs that hopefully get to the point. Usually these points are whining. Twitter is great for whining. I like complaining about the 70 degree and sunny weather out here in southern california to my twitterati buddies just to confuse and anger them. Nothing better than receiving a 140 character profanity laced tirade. In twitter when you send a message its called a tweet. I'm sure they would have called it Tweeter if it wasn't for that stupid electronics store. When i send a message its called a twit. Tweets are important my twits are usually stupid and pointless like having a 162 game baseball regular season. If you're new to twitter here is some lingo used in the twitter world.

Twitthore- basically a person that sends more that 200 messages on twitter a day and updates their status every five seconds. A twit whore if you will.

taking a twit- people that take the what are you doing a little too seriously and leave the status of their current bathroom activities.

twatters- people like me who like to bitch on twitter. "my dog died today" boo hoo you twatter. Just kidding thats pretty sad.

twitty- people who can be witty and amuse via twitter. If you are fortunate enough to have some of these as friends bleed them for all the entertainment you can get.

Twitting the hay- When twitter decides to crap out and have technical problems preventing tweets from being sent. (kinda like right now)

Follow me on twitter at

Monday, May 19, 2008

Founding fathers: a present day conversation

Thomas Jefferson and Ben Franklin enjoying a conversation in present day Philadelphia at the local seven eleven.

Thomas Jefferson: Benjamin Franklin whence has our language of English dissipated into the current cesspool like state of ill be gone skull duggery?

Benjamin Franklin: Relax bro. You just got to roll with the times you know what i'm saying?

Thomas Jefferson: Pray tell whatever do you mean? The tongue of a 2008 imbecile you have acquired and I have no thought, whim, or idea of what you are speaking of.

Benjamin Franklin: I'm sick of your bullshit dawg. Can't you be cool for once.

Thomas Jefferson: Must every syllable out of your mouth be of cursory? You swear as frequently as the tealess distributors of the East India tea company.

Benjamin Franklin: That is how we talk down here. Swear words are adjectives for example right now i'm going to do some bomb ass mushrooms and fly a kite yo.

Thomas Jefferson: You will locate me yonder as I would prefer to exclude myself from the proximity of these mushroom ass bombs. They sounds quiet unpleasant.

Benjamin Franklin: Bitch go buy me some funyuns . For such a smart guy you aren't adjusting too well to the 2000's. Oh snap I just got a text from the JQA.

Thomas Jefferson: Who prey tell is the JQA?

Benjamin Franklin: John Quincy Adams fool. He's in vegas with two call girls and he's down on his luck cause he just lost his horses at the tables.

Thomas Jefferson: Well at least he retained his slave workers.

Benjamin Franklin: Shit son do you want to get capped? There ain't no slaves here. That was our worst idea. This world is all about equality. We may speak like dumb ass mo fo's sometimes but at least we get along down here. Remember all men are created equal and that includes women as well.

Thomas Jefferson: I see but without other people taking up my flowerly pursuits and chores how will i ever get out my eloquent documents and phrases, many of which are completely irrelevant in todays world?

Benjamin Franklin: You're still a rich ass white man. Just pay the less well off to do the work for you.

Thomas Jefferson: Well put well put. Now i know what you are saying.

Saturday, May 17, 2008

Sauteed Veggie Tales!

If you know me you know I don't like religious vegetables. Especially religious cartoon vegetables. Therefore it stands that I'm not a big fan of the Veggie Tales. I don't need to see potatoes preaching that Jesus Died for our skins. Another reason I don't like Veggie Tales is that it teaches kids that vegetables provide moral support and guidance which means they have too much value to be eaten. Kids need their vitamins veggie tales. Why not use meat and call it meat tales? Oh I guess that sounds too much like a porno. Another reason that I don't like the veggie tales is that they only promote Christian vegetables. There is no Caully Llama which is of course a Buddhist cauliflower and there is no Radeesh the tolerant, non radical radish. I'm just asking for one big vegetable soup where everyone gets along.

Also in Veggie tales they never show the mistakes the vegetables made in their earlier days. For instance Larry the Cucumber was involved in Adult movies prior to his joining the cast of the Veggie tales. As Larry once put it in the mid 90's as he was snorting salt at a Denny's, he is a Cucumber and not a cuber. One last thing religious vegetables? Religious vegetables? I know kids have a low attention span but must everything be cartoonized and sold in special dvd sets for kids to absorb religious education no matter what religion they practice? Forget that! I'm off to the Souplantation to eat a salad or get my soul saved whichever the vegetables involved decide.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Guest post : Fallen Disposable Idols

John over at the great family, fitness, and finance blog wanted to share his thoughts on the pathetic state of role models for young women. If you haven't checked out his blog for great financial advice and fun family events. Here are his thoughts below:

Is it just me or is anyone else bothered by the trash presented by Hollywood and others as Idols for our children. Take a look at who our young people have to look up to. What little girl wouldn't want to lead the life of Paris Hilton, Britney Spears or Lindsay Lohan? These media giants have carefully crafted the images of these teen idols. And then every teen in America wants to be just like them. Act like them, dress like them and grow up too fast, just like them. I am very concerned about the long term effects on our children.

I saw a little girl that must have been ten years old wearing a pair of hot pink soffe's with the word "Candy" across her backside. If you let your preteen daughter out of the house with slogans like that across the butt, you might as well call Heidi Fleiss and pimp her to the stars. I'm sure Rob or Charlie would just love to accompany her to the Playboy Mansion. And yet we sit and wonder why the teenage pregnancy rate is so high! H E L L O!

Have you visited a High School lately? It's a wonder any teenage boy is able to concentrate even a little on his academics. It's like the runway at a Victoria's Secret New Years Eve party. How can little Johnny pay attention sitting behind Susan with her thong riding high and her jeans riding low. Johny's not getting a history lesson, he's getting a lesson in female anatomy. Or maybe it is a history lesson, we'll call it the "Decline of Western Civilization". Hey, don't get me wrong, I would have loved to sit behind Susan in High School. What testosterone driven, girl crazy boy wouldn't? But as the parent of a teenage girl, I'm not so in tune with it.

I think much of this is driven by our media crazy society. Big companies like Disney take a cookie cutter approach to building up teen idols for mass consumption by our children. They nurse them along, carefully crafting their public image until they blossom into the teenage sex symbol they were meant to be! Take Miley Cyrus. Many, including me believe that the whole picture shoot malfunction episode of several weeks ago was a carefully planned transformation of Miley from cute little girl next door to the next teenage sex symbol. And like Billy Ray wasn't aware of what was going on, give me a break! He's right there calculating how many greenbacks this transformation will bring in.

One of the problems with shooting these young stars into the stratosphere, is they must eventually come down. And usually they land like a lead balloon. Think Britney Spears. No underwear wearing, climbing over car seats-back side bearing, Disney created boy toy eye candy. We have not seen a public mental breakdown like Britney's since Charles Manson's parole hearing rant "I could kill you with the edge of this book!" But fear not, she will soon be forgotten and replaced by the next big star. Tossed aside like a junkie's disposable needle. Where does that leave the millions of girls who looked up to her. Looking towards her pregnant little sister, I guess. At least she's not crazy, right?

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Wednesday, May 14, 2008

M. Night Shyamalan effect

The M. Night Shyamalan effect is something that I hope you will avoid whether it be in a relationship, job, new apartment etc. If you are unfamiliar with M Night Shyamlan he is the director of the Sixth Sense which was a classic unless some asshole ruined the ending for you, which many did. His next movie Unbreakable was good, Signs was ok, The Village was garbage, and Lady in the Water was one of the worst movies ever. So basically he started strong and subsequently got worse kinda like the TV show Lost.(Yes my Lost bashing continues)

Here is an example of the M. Night Shyamlan effect in a relationship. Say you are a lady and are dating a guy for three months and he appears perfect for you. He's smart, romantic but not a wuss, has a stable job, makes you laugh etc. Things are going great and then suddenly his grandmother passes away. He becomes a little bit down but nothing you can't handle. Then he starts leaving the toilet seat up, which is a minor annoyance but you can deal with it. Then he begins to leave you three or four voice mails a day, which is now starting to piss you off but you look past it cause you still love his good qualities. Then he reveals he is Hitler's grandson and wants to restore "Germany's glory". Uh oh this is starting to look bad. You try to dump him but he blackmails you with some bit of information that you don't want your family or co workers to know about. Then he reveals to you that he is the national president of the painful bondage club. You tell him you don't care about your blackmail secret and tell him to get the hell out of your house and you get a restraining order. He still doesn't leave and tries to squat in your basement till he is killed by the swat team.

To stop the M. Night Shyamalan effect you have to recognize it early and stop it then. If everything is going downhill like a drunken bobsled team down a mountain you have to remove that person or event out of your life immediately. By the way M. Night Shyamlan has a new movie coming out called The Happening. I'm not going to say to not see it but don't be surprised if Mark Wahlberg never has a movie career again. The boogieman isn't real but the M. Night Shyamalan effect is so check your children's beds and closets for it. Shyamy shammy sham may not catch on like boogedy boogedy boo but the consequences are twice as dear.

Monday, May 12, 2008

"No white boy I cry"

While out this weekend I had the pleasure of seeing some white guys flat out butcher a Bob Marley song like it was a lamb being led to slaughter. Don't even ask me what Bob Marley song it was cause it resembled the song like Tom Cruise resembles the sane. Here are things that don't mix: oil and water, peanut butter and jellyfish ha, and White guys and Bob Marley.

I've accepted that some white guys can rap but they cannot do Reggae, with exhibit A being Snow. Sublime, although awesome, was more ska than reggae and are eliminated due to excessive drug use by their lead singer . No performance enhancing drugs to sing Reggae or else you may accidentally channel that soulful island vibe.

In fact there should be a law against everyone, not just whites, from doing Bob Marley covers. Damien Marley shouldn't do Bob Marley covers and he is a.) his son and B.) talented. Mice need to stay away from mouse traps, fish need to stay away from bears, and White guys should stay away from covering Bob Marley. Bad things are going to happen. Things like a white guy clapping his hands and doing a 360 while trying to piece together a third of the rhythm and melody that Bob Marley displayed is as painful to me as watching a baseball game go extra innings or watching the veggie tales.

Friday, May 9, 2008

Final Text!

The use of text messaging has to come with its own unique set of rules and one of those rules is the final text. Final text is the text that you send out after a string of text messages that were for the most part important or entertaining but now you got to move on and do something else or your driving or something. You must execute a final text or else the texting could last for days and you’ll wake up in a guatamala prison for not being able to pay your cell phone bill (unless you have unlimited texting). Now final texts are difficult and they have a different set of rules depending whether the texts are two males texting, opposite sex texting, or two females texting.

First lets get to males. For guys the best way to execute a final text is to text the word cool. Thus you acknowledge the other texter and that the conversation was cool. They really have no way to send another text unless they are not cool cause the word cool defines brevity. For a female who is getting a large amount of texts for a male the best final text is the tried and true “I got to wash my hair” or “my mom just called” instant final text. For a male getting a large amount of texts from a female the best final text is the smiley face. Its polite and you can’t really get mad about it ladies if you get the smiley face. For female to female texting the best final text is…. oh there is none. You can text each other for days and you know it. I’m kidding, I don’t really know what the final text is for female to females since I’m a dude but I’m sure you ladies have some so let me know what they are.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Iron Man vs. Spiderman 3

I recently saw Iron Man at the theater and I was extremely impressed. Iron Man is a movie that actually takes the time to setup the original story of how Tony Stark became Iron Man. It wasn't like a microwave dinner where boom Tony Stark instantly becomes Iron man. No the movie takes its time and actually gasp has a plot and good reason for Stark to don the Iron man costume.

Another reason why I loved Iron Man is that Robert Downey Jr. is a bad ass, witty, and heroic at the same time. In contrast Tobey Macguire in Spiderman 3 was an emo haircut rocking, jazz hands waving spineless wimp. They tried to shove the theme of forgiveness down our throats in that movie like we were a little kid not eating his broccoli. Seriously how many superheroes would just let the guy who killed his own uncle go after the murderer gives the explanation that he was having some family Issues. Hey Spiderman he killed your uncle and this isn't Doctor Phil. At least web trap him in a cave somewhere.

Any superhero movie where there is a song and dance number ruins the whole superhero genre. Until Hollywood casts Rom Tom Tugger from Cats in Flamboyant Feline the movie keep dancing, jazz hands, and singing where they belong in broadway musicals. Finally another reason to see Iron man is that the final showdown is fun to watch and doesn't last thirty seconds like how Spiderman dispatched Venom like he was a hotel maid who didn't read the do not disturb sign. To sum it up Iron man rules, Spider man 3 sucks, and I'm a nerd thank you.

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Its a small crap world

Having been to Disneyland yesterday I can say that is still remains the wondrous utopia that it has ever been. Adults act like children and children act like super children with their little Mickey Mouse ears. You can't even get an alcoholic beverage in the park. Donald Duck must have taken all the beer in the park for himself. How else does it explain him getting so angry over every little hijinks that his nephews, Mickey, or his girlfriend Daisy Duck pull. Dude should have gone to AA and I think Goofy might have the same problem because that sound he made was not natural.

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Another thing I noticed was that the Its a small world ride was broken. Of course they are going to say they had repairs to make but I say it symbolizes that Disney realizes the world is a small small world brought together by war and economic greed. Here are my updated song lyrics for small world and no I'm not that down on the world, but safe to say I think it could improve.

Its a world of greed, a world of tears
its a world of insanity, a world of fear
theres not a lot that we share
and its time we're aware
the world sucks ass

its a crap world after all
its a crap world after all
its a crap world after all
its a crap crap world

There is just one moon and a golden sun
so lets ruin it for everyone
Though the religions divide
and the leaders are blind
its a crap crap world

Repeat chorus

Friday, May 2, 2008

David Blaine: Brainless Houdini

David Blaine was on Oprah the other day and set a record for holding his breath underwater for over 17 minutes breaking the previous mark of 16 minutes and 32 seconds by fellow moron Peter Colat. Blaine's heartbeat dropped to 40 beats a minute as he struggled in the tank during the sixteenth minute and started to develop heartbeat irregularities to go along with his monotone voice irregularity.

Apparently holding his head underwater and getting zero dollars for it for an ungodly amount of time is not dangerous enough for the magic man as he told Oprah that he wants to break the record for most days without sleep. That record is 11 days or a million seconds. To break this record I think David should have to take care of ten babies of couples since that way you make sure he doesn't sleep and actually provides value to the world. He shouldn't be allowed to use red bulls or magic to stay up instead having to rely on sheer will power/stupidity to make it all the way.

I wonder what other feats he will perform if he survives this one. An incredible feat would be if he could knock Oprah off the cover of her magazine before she is a 75 year old cover model. Or he could be a human time capsule and lock himself under ground for 100 years. No I doubt he would do that because that is the one feat he won't do... disappear.