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Thursday, May 29, 2008

Dr. Phil on Sesame Street

Dr. Phil: Hello everyone on todays show I'm going to do something different. I'm tired of all the bitching and moaning from humans about whether your stupid nobody cares relationships work out or not. In fact I hope they fail so I can do my Dr. Phil magic and make more millions. So today I'm going to converse with some down to earth puppets on Sesame street. I'll start with my favorite Elmo. Elmo how are you today?

Elmo: Elmo doing good Dr. Phil.

Dr. Phil: Quit teaching the kids to speak in third person Elmo or I'll Dr Philslap you. Elmo may I tickle you?

Elmo: Elmo has a restraining order against you bad Dr. Phil so if you want to go to the slammer slap away.

Dr. Phil: Oh crap I forgot you're right Elmo. Remember always get permission in writing to tickle someone boys and girls. Moving on Count are you finally paying your kids child support.

Count: I've lost count of my finances so I don't remember.

Dr. Phil: You've got three babies mommas and how many kids are out of wedlock?

Count: 1 illegitimate children 2 illegitimate children 3 illegitimate children 4 illegitimate children.

Dr. Phil: Count don't plant your seeds in the garden and call it an orange grove. You are making way too many orange groves and those groves are becoming rotten and unloved. You go give your next three sesame street checks to those kids or you will be counting one black eye and two black eyes.

Count: Ok ok please don't hurt me.

Dr. Phil: Bert and Ernie nice of you to take a break from your twenty year honeymoon. You two are in that bathtub more often than a pig is in the mud.

Bert: You think we're in a gay puppet relationship with each other?

Ernie: Eww gross Dr. Phil. Bert is such a queen and I'm only attracted to bears like Cookie Monster. Me and him have been together for years. Bert has been with Big bird since the beginning of time.

Bert: They don't call him big bird for nothing. Tee hee.

Dr. Phil: Too much info Bert. My mistakes fellas. Even my genius omnipresent magnificent baldness is wrong some of the time. Oscar I want to ask you a question?

Oscar: Do your worst ass face.

Dr. Phil: Dirty guy with a dirty mouth. Oscar why do you hate yourself?

Oscar: I guess it all started when my mother left my father oh wait no as bad as this trash can smells it smells a whole lot better than the filth that is the human race.

Dr. Phil: Don't you dare Oscar. Don't you dare crap on a cracker and call it caviar.

Elmo: Elmo says you're a douche Dr. Phil.

Dr. Phil slaps Elmo

Oscar: Call the cops he finally did it. We'll never have to see this jerk off on tv again.

Sesame Street: Yay!


Bridget said...

Ok that was hysterical - you've got some strong Dr Phil hate there is that something you want to talk about? :)

I will never see Sesame Street the same way again! Good times - I love it, thank you!!

Pand0ra Wilde said...

Now, why wasn't Sesame Street this damned funny back in the good old bad old days?

Red said...

LMAO!!! This is way funny. Thanks I sure needed that today. I am not a fan of Dr Phil so that made it even better and Sesame Street was never that good when my kids were watching.

Blog by Donna said...

OMG, that is so funny! I personally don't like Dr. Phil so found this post even more entertaining!

ssgreylord said...

Once again I marvel at where you come up with these ideas. I mean were you sitting there watching Dr.Phil and thought Sesame Street! Dr. Phil and Sesame St. Too hilarious. (I think I've used that word in my last 5 comments). You really are funny... :D Keep em coming.

Jinksy said...

Elmo is a freak anyways.

Haven't you ever seen the Fondle Me Elmo doll? The one decked in pleather and assless chaps?

Freaky stuff.

David Tamayo said...

Wait...wait...let me catch my breath...I hate laughter tears...okay, first very funny, second, do you know a "good" psychotherapist? My mental imagery of Sesame Street is now forever warped. I feel the need to lock my child's Tickle me Elmo in a box and send it far far away. =)


I love the orange garden gorve comment and the bert and ernie in the bathtub. Hysterical!!!! Always laughing here!

myktoronto said...

Wohoo! Dr.Phil. Truly; a candidate for retroactive abortion.

I always suspected that about Bert and Ernie. Big Bird was always a gimme. Cookie monster though; damn he hides it well. I guess the chocolate chips and apron weren't all he kept in th closet.

I hear Miss Piggy went on the Dr.Phil Diet, put on ninety pounds, had her head shaved and grew a mustache all because Kermit's a bisexual chubby-chaser.

What makes your blogs even funnnier is that it's all true!

john b said...

Dr. Phil's a dork anyway. Lost all respect for him when he outed Britney Spears mental breakdown. Now that I think about it, I'm not sure I ever had any respect for him. In my book, he's somewhere just below pond scum. WOW, got side tracked, good stuff as usual!

Stacey @Real World Mom said...

LMAO! I seriously need this laugh today! You have a great talent, my friend! By the way, before I forget (again!), I'm adding you to my blogroll, if that's ok?

NyteGoddessBoo said...

Oh just when I needed it the most. I can always count on you for great laughs. Thanks a lot.

rohit said...


you are fantastic!!!

a kiss for you, my dear friend!

god bless u dear

can we exchange our link

r u ready to do?

CableGirl said...

Brilliant. I can't stand Dr. Phil...

You know, he was actually on Sesame Street. (I have a toddler so sadly I know these things). Dr. Phil v. Dr. Feel.

Got to you through HuckDoll.