Dr. Phil on Sesame Street

Dr. Phil: Hello everyone on todays show I'm going to do something different. I'm tired of all the bitching and moaning from humans about whether your stupid nobody cares relationships work out or not. In fact I hope they fail so I can do my Dr. Phil magic and make more millions. So today I'm going to converse with some down to earth puppets on Sesame street. I'll start with my favorite Elmo. Elmo how are you today?

Elmo: Elmo doing good Dr. Phil.

Dr. Phil: Quit teaching the kids to speak in third person Elmo or I'll Dr Philslap you. Elmo may I tickle you?

Elmo: Elmo has a restraining order against you bad Dr. Phil so if you want to go to the slammer slap away.

Dr. Phil: Oh crap I forgot you're right Elmo. Remember always get permission in writing to tickle someone boys and girls. Moving on Count are you finally paying your kids child support.

Count: I've lost count of my finances so I don't remember.

Dr. Phil: You've got three babies mommas and how many kids are out of wedlock?

Count: 1 illegitimate children 2 illegitimate children 3 illegitimate children 4 illegitimate children.

Dr. Phil: Count don't plant your seeds in the garden and call it an orange grove. You are making way too many orange groves and those groves are becoming rotten and unloved. You go give your next three sesame street checks to those kids or you will be counting one black eye and two black eyes.

Count: Ok ok please don't hurt me.

Dr. Phil: Bert and Ernie nice of you to take a break from your twenty year honeymoon. You two are in that bathtub more often than a pig is in the mud.

Bert: You think we're in a gay puppet relationship with each other?

Ernie: Eww gross Dr. Phil. Bert is such a queen and I'm only attracted to bears like Cookie Monster. Me and him have been together for years. Bert has been with Big bird since the beginning of time.

Bert: They don't call him big bird for nothing. Tee hee.

Dr. Phil: Too much info Bert. My mistakes fellas. Even my genius omnipresent magnificent baldness is wrong some of the time. Oscar I want to ask you a question?

Oscar: Do your worst ass face.

Dr. Phil: Dirty guy with a dirty mouth. Oscar why do you hate yourself?

Oscar: I guess it all started when my mother left my father oh wait no as bad as this trash can smells it smells a whole lot better than the filth that is the human race.

Dr. Phil: Don't you dare Oscar. Don't you dare crap on a cracker and call it caviar.

Elmo: Elmo says you're a douche Dr. Phil.

Dr. Phil slaps Elmo

Oscar: Call the cops he finally did it. We'll never have to see this jerk off on tv again.

Sesame Street: Yay!