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Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Realistic Fairy Tales

Once upon a time in a land not that far far away lived a young maiden named Sleet White who lived with seven dwarfs. The Dwarfs names were Sleepy, Dopey, Grumpy, Worthless, Battery, Crappy, and Felony. Also living with the beautiful damsel was her occasional live in boyfriend Prince Harming.

Sleet White: What a beautiful morning. The birds are alive and still not carrying bird flu and the grass is almost green. Now off to work you go my beloved dwarfs.

Crappy: Man screw this I'm so sick of riding our tandem bicycle to work.

Felony: Yeah stupid gas prices.

Sleet White: Put on a happy face you two or I'm going to tranquilize your next meal with prozac.

Battery: Put on a happy face! Have you ever thought about how bad being a dwarf sucks. You never give us any action. There aren't any other female dwarfs around here. Maybe one of us gets laid occasionally when we stack each other together like a totem pole and one of those alcoholic witches gets a little too crazy.

Felony: No shit we might as well go back to jail. Thats the last time I got some sexual healing.

Sleet White: Ugh you perverted dwarfs off to work with you. (she grabs a tattered broom and kicks them out of the house)

Meanwhile Prince Harming has just returned from his quest which is the modern day equivalent of a business trip. Sleet White rushes to greet him at the door and throws her arms around him.

Prince Harming: Is the air conditioning on? Babe you know we can't afford that.

Sleet White: What the hell I haven't seen you in months and you are bitching about me running the AC. Those Dwarfs stink up the house.

Prince Harming: Yeah well we can't afford it anymore. You see I got fired by my dad. In this new economy it turns out being a prince doesn't pay and I really don't have any job skills.

Sleet White: NOoooooooooo why does this always happen. Get the hell out of here and work with the dwarfs for now.

Prince Harming: On the corner? I will not degrade myself to be a dwarfen prostitute.

Sleet White: I don't believe you they work at the mine.

Prince Harming: The mine shut down a year ago. Nobody is making money off that old dump.

Sleet White: Look we need money now if your going to cheat on me at least make momma some money.

Prince Harming: I haven't cheated on you in weeks, I mean years. Oops.

Sleet White: I knew it! I knew you were seeing other women on these quests. You kept telling me that you were putting your sword in stones and I didn't think there were that many.

Prince Harming: Yes by Sword I mean my penis and by stones I mean vagi (Sleet White slaps Prince Harming in the face)

Sleet White: Get the hell out. You know what forget this. I'm out of here. (Sleet White trudges up to her room and takes 5000 pairs of shoes and stuffs them into a box)

Prince Harming: Good luck paying off your credit card bill.

Sleet White ended up leaving the house and never saw the dwarfs or Prince Harming again. She tried to buy a poison apple from the witch but her assisted suicide business went out of business. She lived somewhat unhappily ever after for ten years till the economy picked up and she used her fashion experience to start a moderately successful clothing line for dwarfs. The end.

15 comments:

Bridget said...

Tim-lmao this is some funny sh*t, are these like acid flashbacks by any chance? jk I just don't know where you get this stuff from, but I love it keep it coming!!

HEALTH NUT WANNABEE MOM said...

Your mind intrigues and amazes me. Where do you find this stuff? You are something else.

ssgreylord said...

I'm not sure whether I should compliment you on your outrageous sense of humor or seek help for you...

Red said...

You are just twisted..but funny

Regretful Morning said...

Dwarf condoms, invest now. You heard it here first.

StewartAllyn said...

WHAT!

No coming attractions to the next fairy tale.

That's cruel and unusual punishment.

Christy said...

You are a riot, my friend!

LceeL said...

You, sir, have a diabolical and twisted mind. Cool.

Huckdoll said...

I see you got your hands on some BC Earth. Good stuff, huh?

;)

Sogeshirtsguy said...

I swear guys i'm not a drugs of any sort. Not acid or weed. Maybe I should start using?

David Tamayo said...

Is sleet white related to Imelda Marcos? The difference is that Imelda had to leave her shoes behind. =)As far as drugs and should you be on them? I recommend going as far as a sugar rush. Anything else would involve anything from sleeping to doing something other than typing on your computer. Either way you would not be giving us these brilliant posts. Take care my friend. =)

Anonymous said...

haha more like snow white bitch. Your cyber chick following is pretty hot!

Jim Juris said...

Excellent story.

MoonDog said...

lol - 5000 pairs of shoes. That's a conservative figure too. I'd be willing to bet the conversations between you and your psychologist are quite interesting.

Sue said...

Next, Part II - Sluteralla & Prince Skumming!