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Tuesday, December 29, 2009

13 reasons Vampire Sex is dangerous

Ladies boinking the undead has returned to popularity in the last few years with the twilight saga, True blood,and Vampire Chronicles. Apparently pasty is tasty as our discolored friends our getting more things sucked as opposed to sucking blood. Here are thirteen reasons you may want to reconsider having sex with a vampire.

1. When having sex with a vampire you always need the male to wear a garlic condom for protection.

2. Herpes and Vampires have a lot in common, they're immortal and just won't go away so be careful.

3. Vampires sneak out during the night even more than regular guys do.

4. Vampires bites necks for their pleasure not yours.

5. Since vampires never die they are likely to have racked up a large amount of sexual partners and you know they love to talk about their history.

6. Vampires will steal your makeup and lipstick.

Photo by by Red Monkey Virus licensed by

7. Instead of being deadbeat dads vampires are deaddead dads.

8. Vampires suck in bed.

9. Once you go bat you always get fat, or dead.

10. Some vampires trick you into having sex with them even though they are actually women. They don't call it Transylvania for nothing.

11. If you go back to his place Castles are not all they are cracked up to be. Good luck finding toilet paper.

12. After sex you have to spoon hanging upside down.

13. Once you get dumped werewolves sneak in as the rebound guy.


Static said...

I think you may be missing a couple reasons sex with vampires is dangerous...
14. Vampires only want to have "sexy time" when you're on teh rag. As an added bonus for a vampire, tampons make tasty treats and bedtime snacks.
15. Ever try getting laid in a coffin? Not only is it uncomfortable, it's nearly impossible...without crippling you and/or making you claustrophobic first!! And frankly, after that experience you'll wish you WERE dead. Talk about "getting nailed in a coffin".

Ria said...

Very funny Tim!