Don't mess with the Bieber

Don't let the mop top fool you. Justin Bieber is a bad ass. He let it be known the other day as he decided to slap a twelve year old who was calling him derogatory names. Nothing says street cred like backhanding a twelve year old. 12 year olds play in little league while Justin Bieber is the big leagues. There is a reason that Ludacris joins forces with Justin Bieber. It's not cause he respects JB it's because he fears JB.

Bieber once performed the Canadian version of Ludacris's hit single "Move bitch get out the way" and changed the words to "Excuse me miss would you please step aside, please step aside." The new version started a rap riot which ended with Ludacris getting a shiner from the Beebs following a mic slap. During the riot Bieber danced/ assaulted ten Canadian mounted police. The horses were unharmed however as JB rode away on one yelling "fuck you Dudley do right motha fuckas."

Bieber is not the innocent heartthrob the media portrays him to be. In grade school instead of playing kick ball, he kicked kids in the balls. Instead of hop scotch, he played drink scotch. Instead of playing house he played get in the kitchen and make me a sammich. Bieber also has a thing for older women disappointing many of his teenage fans. He is a regular on the Desperate Housewives set and can be often be seen buying condoms in bulk at the local costco. He is also applying to become a UFC fighter but the UFC may rule to ban him due to his vicious sharp nail attack. I'm calling my shot right now that Bieber may be this generation's Clint Eastwood.

Ronald McDonald to Retire? Don't McBet on it.

In Chicago it was announced today that Corporate Accountability International held a protest on Wednesday March 31st at a Chicago McDonalds demanding that Ronald McDonald retire. They say he has too much influence over kids eating habits. Luckily for me I was able to catch up with Ronald McDonald this morning via Skype.

Tim: Ronald with this new group calling for you to hang up your big red McShoes will you retire?

RMD: This is outrageous Tim. Honestly have you seen me in commercials lately? I mean come on, get out of town! If you were going to blame me in the 80's or 90's fine, I was on TV more than Justin Bieber, but now?

Tim: Do you really feel that you influence kids to eat at McDonalds?

RMD: Ridiculous once again. When little fat Suzie or little pudgy Johnny beg mom and dad for a happy meal, Mom and Dad need to say No. Tell little Suzie or Johnny that if they keep eating happy meals they are going to get insulin shots as a toy for their diabetes.

Tim: So you aren't to blame not even a tiny bit?

RMD: No Tim, not one bit. I don't pull a gun on people to tell them to eat at McDonalds. I'm a Mcfamilyman. I settled down with Birdie the Bird and we have a few McNuggets of our own. I never let them eat McDonalds. Did you know that I once got pulled over by the cops for no reason? They tried to say I had an ounce of marijuana on me, but they couldn't find shit. It was DWC.

Tim: DWC?

RMD:DWC Driving While Clown, look it up. It's all a setup. Luckily for me I don't have one of those clown squirting flowers on me. I know Bozo once got arrested for assault when he was pulled over and the cop touched his flower. Boom! Water sprayed in the officers face and Bozo got 7 years.




Tim: How does it make you feel that nobody is protesting Jack from Jack in the Box or The King from Burger King?

RMD: I feel rage. Those dicks are the scumbags and criminals of the fast food world. Don't let Jack's suit and tie fool you. He has been embezzling money from Jack in the Box for years. Might as well change the name of the restaurant to Enron in the box. As for the Burger King he just broke into a McDonalds and stole the Mcmuffin recipe. Not to mention all the beds he breaks into and climbs in. One time I woke up with the King and the next day he woke up to a restraining order.

Tim: What is next for you Ronald?

RMD: Well Birdie and I are going to take a cruise to the Bahamas with Mayor McCheese and his wife Grimace till this all blows over.

Tim: Wait Grimace is a woman? I always thought he was a man.

RMD: No, she is a woman. That is why her name is Grimace. When you find out she is a woman, you grimace.

Tim: Ah makes sense. Last question Ronald. What would you like to say directly to Corporate Accountability International?

RMD: Well I'd tell them that they need to start believing in magic and that they should order a happy meal from McDonalds. Lord knows they need the fun and nutrition a McDonalds meal provides.

Tim: There you have it. Thanks for that Ronald. Now I'm hungry and not loving it.