Don't mess with the Bieber

Don't let the mop top fool you. Justin Bieber is a bad ass. He let it be known the other day as he decided to slap a twelve year old who was calling him derogatory names. Nothing says street cred like backhanding a twelve year old. 12 year olds play in little league while Justin Bieber is the big leagues. There is a reason that Ludacris joins forces with Justin Bieber. It's not cause he respects JB it's because he fears JB.

Bieber once performed the Canadian version of Ludacris's hit single "Move bitch get out the way" and changed the words to "Excuse me miss would you please step aside, please step aside." The new version started a rap riot which ended with Ludacris getting a shiner from the Beebs following a mic slap. During the riot Bieber danced/ assaulted ten Canadian mounted police. The horses were unharmed however as JB rode away on one yelling "fuck you Dudley do right motha fuckas."

Bieber is not the innocent heartthrob the media portrays him to be. In grade school instead of playing kick ball, he kicked kids in the balls. Instead of hop scotch, he played drink scotch. Instead of playing house he played get in the kitchen and make me a sammich. Bieber also has a thing for older women disappointing many of his teenage fans. He is a regular on the Desperate Housewives set and can be often be seen buying condoms in bulk at the local costco. He is also applying to become a UFC fighter but the UFC may rule to ban him due to his vicious sharp nail attack. I'm calling my shot right now that Bieber may be this generation's Clint Eastwood.

Suburban Rap

Suburban Rap? What's Suburban rap? Suburban rap is the art of taking a rappers lyrics to the suburbs. For example the lyrics for "I like big butts and I cannot lie" suburbanized would be I adore plump derriers and I cannot mislead. Basically I make the lyrics as far away from the streets as possible, because as a sheltered middle class white guy I know nothing of the streets. I don't carry guns with me, i carry a stick of chewing gum or some mints thus suburban rap is born.

Lets try a suburban rap together. Lets use Ludacris song lyrics "Move bitch! Get out the way" The first thing that needs to go is "move" cause its not too polite. Excuse me is more tact and likely to get a much more pleasant response in my land of white picket fences and 2.3 kids. Next that ugly b word has to go. In the suburbs we say miss even if the woman is a total soccer mom bitch. So move bitch suburbanized becomes Excuse me miss. The second part is a bit tricky, we need to be polite but firm as the bitch is still in our path. I think the best course of action here is a combo play. Start with a nonthreatening question like "would you" or "can you" to show some down home cornbread manners. Then out of nowhere hit her with the please step aside to show you have art galleries or a maroon five concert to get to urgently. Bam you got a suburban rap lyric. Move bitch get out the way just became excuse me miss would you please step aside? We went from a command to a question. Now take a suburban rap lyric "I enjoy it when you call me large father" and try to guess what the original rap lyric was.

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