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Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Terrible kids games

Remember those games as a kid that seemed designed to separate the awkward kids from the cool kids? Games like Duck, Duck, Goose , heads up seven up, and dodgeball. I hated those games with the exception of releasing all my child level anger by blasting a kid with a dodgeball. Duck, duck, goose might as well be called cool kid, cool kid, nerd and boy did I not like being the nerd. I would sit in that circle and nervously await my fate like a guy on death row waiting for the call from the governor. Sometimes the call would come and I wouldn't be picked, and other times I would be executed and be the exhausted little dweeb running in circles. Curse those ducks. Roast them up and cover them in a buttery glaze.

I also hated heads up seven up. Why ruin a good sleep? I can't be bothered with putting my thumb out there and having to try to figure out who tortured me by touching my thumb while my eyes are closed. All heads up seven up taught me is that it pays to cheat. Peeking made winning that game easier and more efficient than a Japanese car manufacturer. The bottom line though is when you got picked at heads up seven up you felt like you were spinning the chore wheel for the whole day.

Dodgeball has to be one of the most savage school games in the history of man kind. Even cavemen probably didn't play peg Bork with rock to weed out the weak and glorify the strong. For me dodgeball was ok as I was light and nimble, but could still throw and blast some unsuspecting kid with my golden arm. For other kids though it was just giving the biggest bullies in school another tool to terrorize the smaller weaker kids. It was like arming Hitler, Mussolini, Bin Laden etc with the biggest baddest nukes known to man and saying that it was legal to destroy everyone. At the very least the teachers who promoted this game should have had to get their whooping too. To give back to my community I think I will become a P.E. teacher. Will I change the curriculum to eliminate these heartless socially awkward games? No not at all. I'll get my revenge by ruining a whole new generation of kids. Lets go kids time for dodgeball. Big kids versus little kids.

Friday, September 19, 2008

Romeo and Juliet foreclosed

Lord Montague: Romeo time tis of the essence, our manor doth been foreclosed. We must live with the Capulets.

Romeo: The Capulets? Even Tybalt?

Lord Montague: Especially Tybalt. Thou art sharing a room with him.

Romeo: Anger surrounds me like tortured banshees trapped between two worlds.

Lord Montague: Quit being over dramatic. Fannie and Freddie doth crashed as well as Bear Sterns leading us to bunk up with the Capulets. Thou shall pack whilst I buy some Top Ramen at the marketplace.

~ Romeo and his father move in the with the Capulets. Romeo is in his room with Tybalt while Juliet pays him a visit. ~

Juliet: Dear Tybalt may I speak to Romeo lacking your presence?

Tybalt: What for? You going to bang?

~ Romeo slaps Tybalt in the face. ~

Romeo: Cease your mouth Tybalt you colossal menace. Hath you not learned to communicate with a lady?

Tybalt: You're such a giant douche Romeo. I'm not leaving this room so you guys will just have to get freaky in front of me. Besides I like to watch.

Juliet: Thou art thou art. Whatever. Romeo my love, living in the same manor and having our parents get along hath dimmed the romance of our once forbidden tryst.

Romeo: Tis true. Passion used to burn in the embers of our being but now that we share the same hamper and our parents break bread together its just not the same.

Tybalt: Ah poor babies why don't you just commit suicide you insufferable whiners.

~ Romeo takes a pillow and smashes it onto Tybalts head. ~

Tybalt: Oww you dick.

Juliet: Tybalt thou art a dick. Romeo and I couldn't afford the last drop of death at the pharmacy anyways. Alas killing ourselves now would also lack the tragic aspect of our families feud.

Romeo: Indeed.

~ Romeo gives Juliet a kiss. ~

Romeo: My dearest Juliet, I must leave you now... for my shift at Arby's starts in less than a quarter of the hour.

Tybalt: You better not put me on dish duty Romeo I hate dish duty.

Romeo: Not today Tybalt you shall learn the art of the toilet clean.

Tybalt: Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

~ Tybalt dives under the bed and takes out a bottle with a skeleton on it. He unscrews the cap and downs it furiously. ~

Tybalt: Now I leave this wretched world.

~ Juliet starts laughing. ~

Juliet: Alas dumb cousin. We knew you would take the fools medicine so we switched it out with a dose of Powerade.

Tybalt: NOOOOOOOOOO its horrible.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Back to the couch

Summer sure is a great time of the year. The beach is nice, school is out, and the weather is nice and toasty. Oh wait most of us are adults and we still have to work during the summer. Screw summer and three cheers for fall. Especially three cheers for fall TV. I love to read but I usually only read when there is nothing good on TV and since summer TV is as entertaining as turtles mating, I read more books than a do nothing grad student. Tonight one of my favorite shows It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia returns to the air on FX at 10 pm. If you haven't seen it its the Seinfeld of the red bull drinking caffeine abusing generation. The show is outrageous and follows the antics of three bar owners, a bartender, and Danny Devito who plays the father of two of the characters. Political correctness does not exist in their world and the characters backstab each other to the point where the Desperate Housewives look like good people.

I'm a sucker for comedies and now my couch is going to have a giant lazy dent in it as I enjoy How I met your Mother, 30 Rock, South Park etc. If television rots the brain then how me explain this stoopid. TV is one of America's great past times as well as a great way to to pass time. Apple pie, baseball, and sitting on your ass for five hours every night. This is the American way. Welcome back old friend. Welcome back.

Friday, September 12, 2008

Hurricane names

Have you ever wondered who picks the hurricane names and why they picked that name? Probably not but I'm just weirder than you so I did some research. They pick hurricane names years in advance, and let me tell you there are some pretty crappy hurricane names. Hurricanes should have dickhead names like Ike ala Ike turner who was a dickhead. The name fits as the hurricane causes destruction and does whatever the heck it wants. Here are some awful upcoming hurricane names in the next few years.

2008 Hurricanes

1. Hurricane Nana- If the hurricane season makes it to the N"s which is very likely then here comes hurricane Nana. This hurricane is going to cause young children to be terrified of their grandmothers for life. No more apples pies and a warm smile. Now Nana is capable of blasting you with a fire hose. Truly a terrible hurricane name.

2. Hurricane Rene- Hurricane Rene just doesn't strike much fear into me. It's a french name so I'm going to assume the hurricane is going to surrender. I might become one of the idiots that tries to stay in my house until water comes past my head and I drown.

3. Tie for the last worst hurricane name of 2008 Hurricane Teddy/ Hurricane Wilfred- Teddy Ruxpin and teddy bear sales are about to plummet. Hurricane Wilfred is an odd choice for a hurricane name, but it makes those few unfortunate souls named Wilfred 300 percent tougher.

Hurricane names 2009

The 2009 batch didn't really have any names that I could make stupid puns about so I'll pass.

Hurricane names 2010-

1. Hurricane Hermine- Don't worry Harry Potter fans. Its Hermione not Hermine. Still this is a name that I didn't even know existed. Are their that many hurricanes out there that we have to resort to weird names? You aren't going to see Hermine at the gift shop for one of those novelty name plates.

2. Hurricane Igor- Igor's never win. They are always a hunchbacked servant of Dracula or a Russian bad guy in a James Bond movie, and now a Hurricane that will cause destruction. Might as well name the hurricane Lucifer or Adolf. Not too many Adolf's out there anymore.

3. Hurricane Virginie- I'm guessing most of the V names have been used but why not throw in some product placement in there and go with Hurricane Vlassic to support the jarred pickle industry? At least I would of heard of Vlassic.

There you have it. I wonder if I could get on the board of hurricane naming alliance and I wonder what their salaries are. If I ever do don't be surprised if you see Hurricane Soge shirts as we need all the google search hits we can get.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

No Diggnity

Cults can be a scary thing. Jim Jones, David Koresh, heavens gate, and now Digg. For those who have never been sucked into the web of social media, Digg is a site where you can share news, articles, blogs, images and nerd enthusiasm . Their are no editors at digg and the stories with the most diggs or votes make the front page. Having an article hit the front page can lead to tens of thousands of hits. The competition on digg is fierce like trying to be a Chinese Olympic gymnast. Everyone wants to be a power digger for either popularity or financial gain. You can even bury or down vote a story to prevent a competitors story from making the front page. Its like Boiler Room cutthroat stock exchange antics except the combatants are in their underwear in the comfort of their own basement. Recently some small time diggers have been on a witch hunt accusing the Digg elite of using scripts to auto Digg stories. The more stories the power diggers digg the stronger their profiles become. I am a member of Digg and as a member I am also outraged. Outraged that anyone gives this much of a shit about Digg. Digg is a nice website but it is just a website.

For some though Digg comes before friends, family, significant other, and significant mistress. Unlike regular zombies who are temporarily satisfied by eating a delicious brain digg zombies must continue to digg to build their profiles and friends list so that they can be popular. How do I know this? I was a digg zombie and still am sometimes. The other thing I find comical about digg is that in the comments of an article digg users tend to be negative, petty, and whiny little bitches. Some of these guys I swear have a nice generic insult of the day calendar that they bust out. A sad, angry man on digg might make a great painting especially if you could capture the frustration as they punch away at the keyboard. In summary digg is a cool site as long as you keep your diggnity.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

9021Oh really?

90210 returns to the air tonight with an almost all new cast making it the saddest reclamation project since Stallone's recent ruination of the Rambo and Rocky series. Has Hollywood just plain run out of ideas? What other old shows are they going to bring back? Since they are getting ridiculous my first vote is to bring back Happy Days. The Fonz could be played by Kirk Cameron of growing pains marking his triumphant comeback from spending time with his family. Richie could be played by ??? I have no idea since I haven't seen a red headed male teenager on TV in years. I guess you could plug in Michael Cera from Superbad, dye his hair red, and add some freckles in makeup. Also why not do another Sex in the City? You could make the ladies younger, faster, hipper, and even sluttier. It doesn't matter who your cast is, just make them in their mid twenties and have the sex drives of hormone enchanced rabbits. Besides original ideas are overrated, or just too hard to come up with. It's all been done anyways so just do it again and again.

Another great idea for the brainless Hollywood producer is to take a show currently on air and make a rocking spin off show. ABC can do a More Desperate Housewives spin off with ladies that sleep around, get murdered, or be total bitches every five seconds instead of every ten seconds. Twice the drama, twice the fun, and three times the ridiculous plot lines. Smallville could become Smallerville following the exploits of superman during his childhood from three to ten. Must be nice to be able to fly home to take naps when at Pre-school or ward off the almighty cooties. Originality and thinking is past its prime in Hollywood. The best ideas are ideas that can come to you in five seconds, which is exactly how I came up with this blog.