You're a loser in second life too

For those unfamiliar with the cyber world Second life is an online community in which people create virtual avatars that represent themselves. They can play music, eat food, buy virtual property, have sex, and do everything that we can do in real life except they can fly and float wherever they want on the second life globe. I have several problems with the concept of second life. First of all you can even commit crimes or pay second life currency to perform rape fantasies. That is pretty disgusting if you ask me and sadly for these folks the fantasy of finding a significant other seems more distant than anything else. Hopefully these weirdos decide to stay inside and not float anywhere near back alleyways in real life.

I'm not sure what is more sad building a very successful second life while ignoring your first life, or striving for success in second life and failing at that. This is my theory if you are a second life stalwart you are a loser, if you are a loser in second life then please avoid any bridges and rope stores and get help. Even things that rhyme with second life are weird, like the few people in utah that take a second wife.This real life has so much to offer, so much to see and do, why throw that all a way for the blandness of a virtual world where all you will meet is nerds?

Put it all on red!

strongly advise everyone, yes everyone, including my parents to tear up their wills and spend all their money on themselves. Take vacations, buy crazy timeshares, put it all on red in Vegas. It's your money and you worked hard for it. Screw the kids, we will never do as much for you as you have done for us. Screw the Grandkids, the global warming is going to get them anyways. This is the only life you got so you should have as much fun as possible, especially if you are retired. The new American dream should be get a nice house with a picket fence, have 2.2 kids, and leave them nothing. Ok maybe you should give something to the .2 of a kid cause hey he only has 1/5th of his appendages so exceptions can be made.

Another reason you should go ahead and spend it all however you like is look at all the things you have survived through. Bird flu, killer bees, earthquakes, stds, west nile, crazy people, crazy wars, the dmv, you have survived them all. Spend every last penny and Friday's coupons. If you did a good enough job raising your kids, which you did, we will find a way to make all that money you could have given us. Then someday our generation can write our wills and tell our kids what they would have won like they just lost a big time gameshow. Then we can tear the will up and pack our bags to gamble it away in Vegas or old up Florida with our residence. It will be the new circle of life.

Three flies up

Remember the game three flies up when you were a kid? Basically a bunch of kids try to catch a flying object, usually a baseball or football being hurled in the air while mutilating each other until one prevails with three catches and wins. At my elementary school one of the teachers assistants Bill would award someone a free subway lunch if they could catch three footballs. Of course a herd of starving ravenous ten to twelve year olds would gather in the battlefield. We would go after that football like it was the holy grail and fountain of youth put together.

Subway compared to our apple and peanut butter sandwich bag lunches and our quality school lunch meals was a five star delicacy. Oh there was blood. Alas three flies up should be changed to three inches taller, as the majority of the time my giant friend Mark would earn the grand subway sandwich of truth by being five inches taller than the next kid. If he didn't win another tall kid would. I won as many free subway lunches as San Diego sports teams have won titles. Unfortunately for me that number is zero as I am a big padres, Chargers, and lunch fan. So here is my advice to short kids... grow and you may win a subway some day.

Astrology and me

Astrology has always fascinated me. The concept that the time of year that you are born can determine your personality traits and destiny seems so unbelievable to me. Despite my beliefs I have given astrology a chance and subscribed to a daily astrology email list. Apparently as a Sagittarius I am a fun loving, outgoing badass. Yes i am. Whats scary is that 40 percent of the time my astrology emails are pretty accurate especially when it comes to goals that I have or relationships I have with people. Of course even when I get that email giving me my horoscope for the upcoming day I completely ignore it. I am who controls my destiny or at least I would really like to think that.

Imagine though if you decided that your astrological forecast was always spot on and you decided to live your life based on its predictions. Like tomorrow it says that I have been caught up with my ego and that I should back off a bit and kiss everyones Hindquarters, while holding Venus in retrograde, and to tell them that I appreciate them. They even recommend that I take a friend out to lunch. Because my horoscope is always right I'm going to stop praising myself even though I deserve it and drop 50 dollars on a friend for lunch. Since the stars failed to Astrologisized a value meal in there somewhere and although I have achieved inner nirvana and kept my ego in check, I am now out 50 dollars. I know my friends, they don't like McDonald's.

What if my horoscope tells me that I'm going to have a bad day? Well dang I'm going to stay in bed all day because if i'm having a bad day its for the best that others aren't around. Since I am a Sagittarius I can be a bit of a jerk and there is nothing I can do to change that. I love making excuses. Astrology might be the best excuse ever. Take that free will.

They can't all be winners

Usually I can write something funny or at least mildly entertaining at the drop of a hat but not today, cause they can't all be winners. Sometimes I will write a blog and it will suck such as right now and thats ok. I'll get up off the mat and fight back and maybe will be funny tomorrow. It's that no good writers block and right now instead of blocking I would describe it as writers thief, cause it has stolen my ability to write.

I have the energy of a beached manatee today and if that was an awful metaphor I apologize cause I couldn't think of anything better to write. People who are so consistently good at anything I really admire. It is so hard to be at your best each and every day due to a plethora of outside factors that may distract someone. Look a new verizon commercial with that creepy silent mime guy with the glasses. Dang now i can't write. I hope the network doesn't allow him to follow anyone into their showers. Oh sorry I got distracted and wrote something stupid. Curse you writers thief. They can't all be winners.

Taxes are no fun

I love how the irs tries to make taxes as confusing as possible. They are like Leonardo di Caprios character in the departed just waiting for you to make that one mistake that brings the whole crime syndicate down. The stupid IRS trolls love to jump out from under the bridge except they have riddles unlimited instead of three. I feel like I am a chicken running around with its his head cut off except that the chicken has a better idea of what to do next. Its hard enough to find the stupid business forms, let alone fill out the maze of lines that even Harry Potter couldn't get out of.

I also love how there are no real good online tips to fill out tax forms. I can see the IRS and H and R block walking down the street hand in hand giving each other simultaneous reach a rounds. As long as there is no info out there people are dependent on having H and R block do their taxes or else they mess up and the IRS audit ninjas swoop in. To solve my ranting complaints I propose that in high school they teach us how to fill out the forms properly. At least that would be one real world skill school could teach. Another solution would be communism but that has never worked ... although, with a tax form staring me in the face, right now it does look tempting jk.

April fools: Change the name

April fools day is really a day about fooling others, not being a fool yourself. We need an April "I'm a fool day" just so people like me don't feel left out. I find April Fool's day to be a really mean spirited day that I could do without. Publishing clearing house came to my house last year on April Fools and left me a giant bill. Two years ago I ordered a mail order bride from Sweden and of course they send me a male order bride from Estonia. There I go being a fool again making things up to amuse you, or at least trying cause hey I am a fool.

My Dad was the master of April Fools. He would plant fake spiders all over the house to creep people out, move my car so that it looked like it was being stolen, and drop me from his health insurance plan. Just kidding he never stole my car. As you can see Aprils fools day is a pranksters paradise. Another day that former high school bullies can reign supreme and give certain unfortunate members of the workforce atomic wedgies with the protection of a tricksters holiday behind them. Besides its all in good fun. How many opening statements at trials have started with that sentence? Anyways until they truly have a day set aside just for fools themselves I am protesting. The current april fools day should be changed to immature dick day.