As everyone know times are tough. Gas prices are kicking our ass, homes are foreclosing, and the stock market looks pretty iffy. Another thing that has died is the house party. Lets take a look at this hypothetical conversation between Doug and Raj taking place at the local 99 cent store.
Doug: Hey Raj. Dude I'm having a kick ass party Friday night you down?
Raj: Yeah man where at?
Doug: My place bro... at my parents house. You know, tough times, tough times.
Raj: Oh ok. Is there going to be alcohol?
Doug: Naw can't afford it man. Tap water is free though.
Raj: (disappointed) K. Any ladies coming?
Doug: Yeah some of my sisters friends. We're not allowed too many people at the house.
Raj: Isn't your sister 17?
Doug: Yeah but she's got one friend who is 19.
Raj: Is she cute?
Doug: She might be in the dark.
Raj: Ok well I don't think I can make it. Your house is like ten miles away and I got to save gas.
Doug: I hear you dude. Hey before you go can you drop me off at the bus station?
Raj: You got fifty cents for gas?
Doug: Almost...
Raj: Sorry man, see you around.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Friday, August 15, 2008
Top six Celebrity Spies
With the recent revelation that Chef Julia Child worked undercover for what is now known as the CIA credible sources revealed several other former Celebrity agents. I always wondered why Julia Child served Cold War cuts and now I know.
1. Mister Rogers- His slogan was won't you be my neighbor unless you're a dirty communist. Beneath his nice guy exterior Rogers was responsible for the deaths of many Russian spies using the sweater strangler technique.
2. Joan Rivers- A master of disguises due to her many plastic surgeries, Rivers made many missions into Nicaragua and Vietnam. She could never change her distinct voice however and was captured many times only to be sent back. Her captors couldn't handle criticism of their guerilla style uniforms.
3. The Odd couple Jack Lemon and Walter Matthau- The Odd couple indeed. These two nearly fought to the death several times during their spy careers including a cane fight on the set of Grumpy Old men. Lemon was brainwashed by Moscow to steal U.S. secrets, which is why he was the uptight one. Matthau was the CIA counter to stop Lemon and the Odd Couple TV show was the vehicle to ensure that they always crossed paths.
4. Desi Arnaz as Ricky Ricardo- A U.S. national hero, Ricardo was instrumental in stopping the Cuban Missile crisis. His famous quote "Fidelllllll don't you dare blow up the US of A" calmed Castro's nerves. Despite preventing a global crisis he was unable to stop Lucy and that darn pie machine.
5. Barbara Walters- Alive for more than 300 years her Benedict Arnold interview landed her a gig with the CIA. It's rumored that during one interrogation of Hitler her barrage of inaudible questions made him ask for a Teddy bear to hug.
6. Regis Philbin- The U.S. answer to Chinese water torture Philbin was a fixture at Guantanamo. With his patented bitter beer face and endless amounts of energy and enthusiasm Philbin cracked every single terror suspect in less than three hours. One suspect claimed "he was just too annoying and I gave up everything."
1. Mister Rogers- His slogan was won't you be my neighbor unless you're a dirty communist. Beneath his nice guy exterior Rogers was responsible for the deaths of many Russian spies using the sweater strangler technique.
2. Joan Rivers- A master of disguises due to her many plastic surgeries, Rivers made many missions into Nicaragua and Vietnam. She could never change her distinct voice however and was captured many times only to be sent back. Her captors couldn't handle criticism of their guerilla style uniforms.
3. The Odd couple Jack Lemon and Walter Matthau- The Odd couple indeed. These two nearly fought to the death several times during their spy careers including a cane fight on the set of Grumpy Old men. Lemon was brainwashed by Moscow to steal U.S. secrets, which is why he was the uptight one. Matthau was the CIA counter to stop Lemon and the Odd Couple TV show was the vehicle to ensure that they always crossed paths.
4. Desi Arnaz as Ricky Ricardo- A U.S. national hero, Ricardo was instrumental in stopping the Cuban Missile crisis. His famous quote "Fidelllllll don't you dare blow up the US of A" calmed Castro's nerves. Despite preventing a global crisis he was unable to stop Lucy and that darn pie machine.
5. Barbara Walters- Alive for more than 300 years her Benedict Arnold interview landed her a gig with the CIA. It's rumored that during one interrogation of Hitler her barrage of inaudible questions made him ask for a Teddy bear to hug.
6. Regis Philbin- The U.S. answer to Chinese water torture Philbin was a fixture at Guantanamo. With his patented bitter beer face and endless amounts of energy and enthusiasm Philbin cracked every single terror suspect in less than three hours. One suspect claimed "he was just too annoying and I gave up everything."
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Celebs license to suck
Celebrities can get away with anything: Arrogance, negligence, murder, but their biggest transgression is their license to suck. Time after time a celebrity who succeeds in movies or sports tries to crossover into the music industry and nobody stops to warn them that they are awful. Lindsey Lohan, Shaq/Kobe, and Scarlett Johansen are major stars that tried to launch successful singing careers with zero talent. No one in their mammoth sized entourages told them that people have ears. We can hear you and you suck. Some of you sound like spider monkeys fighting crying movie theater babies.
Then there are the singers like Jessica Simpson, Mariah Carey, and Britney Spears who try to act in films. Remind me if The Dukes of Hazard, Employee of the Month, Glitter, or Crossroads won any Oscars? In fact the above named actresses were like Barbie/Bratz dolls brought to life with performances so wooden and dumb that they turn little girls fantasies into nightmares. The next step for celebrities is to take over the show America's got talent where the celebrities can try juggling and fire breathing to impress David Hasselhoff. Even if Tom Cruise lights himself on fire and suffers third degree burns during his fire breathing act his agent will shower him with praise. It's on us the general public to put an end to this charade. Don't watch Kazaam on the Disney Channel, ignore the new KFed Cd ( I guess he is a celebrity), and stop supporting Oprah's modeling career by buying Oprah Magazine. Let them know they suck
Then there are the singers like Jessica Simpson, Mariah Carey, and Britney Spears who try to act in films. Remind me if The Dukes of Hazard, Employee of the Month, Glitter, or Crossroads won any Oscars? In fact the above named actresses were like Barbie/Bratz dolls brought to life with performances so wooden and dumb that they turn little girls fantasies into nightmares. The next step for celebrities is to take over the show America's got talent where the celebrities can try juggling and fire breathing to impress David Hasselhoff. Even if Tom Cruise lights himself on fire and suffers third degree burns during his fire breathing act his agent will shower him with praise. It's on us the general public to put an end to this charade. Don't watch Kazaam on the Disney Channel, ignore the new KFed Cd ( I guess he is a celebrity), and stop supporting Oprah's modeling career by buying Oprah Magazine. Let them know they suck
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Salem Witches
One of our first blogs. I'm reposting it cause no one really read it.
Have you ever wondered what it was like to be alive during the puritan era of the 1600's? No? In this blog I want to give some of my theories as to why so many woman were labeled as witches and burned at the stake. Maybe they really were witches and weren't sharing the eye of newt with the rest of the village, but it seems unlikely. I think women were called witches in the 1600's if they had brooms but didn't clean. "Abby, please go clean the attic before the rodents appear." "No father I refuse." "She's a witch burn her!" Poor Abby she was probably going to clean later but she had church to go to at the time. If you refused to do the butter churn, you would have to instantly burn.
Also it was very convenient to label women as witches if you were a game-less guy and couldn't get a date with the girl that you liked. "Hey I think we should make out" "No thank you I'm not interested." "She's diddled Lucifer for fortnights, burn her!" Very mature guys. I bet they had giant bonfire parties for the girls, oh I mean witches, that didn't put out. What a great society that had to be. Salem either handed out burnings at the stakes like coupons for Arby's or smallpox for those lucky Indians.
Have you ever wondered what it was like to be alive during the puritan era of the 1600's? No? In this blog I want to give some of my theories as to why so many woman were labeled as witches and burned at the stake. Maybe they really were witches and weren't sharing the eye of newt with the rest of the village, but it seems unlikely. I think women were called witches in the 1600's if they had brooms but didn't clean. "Abby, please go clean the attic before the rodents appear." "No father I refuse." "She's a witch burn her!" Poor Abby she was probably going to clean later but she had church to go to at the time. If you refused to do the butter churn, you would have to instantly burn.
Also it was very convenient to label women as witches if you were a game-less guy and couldn't get a date with the girl that you liked. "Hey I think we should make out" "No thank you I'm not interested." "She's diddled Lucifer for fortnights, burn her!" Very mature guys. I bet they had giant bonfire parties for the girls, oh I mean witches, that didn't put out. What a great society that had to be. Salem either handed out burnings at the stakes like coupons for Arby's or smallpox for those lucky Indians.
Friday, August 1, 2008
Same sex marriage
The topic of same sex marriage frightens and upsets many people. Personally I think it is a non issue and that two people in love, who need green cards, or are marrying for financial benefit/status, should be allowed to get married. I really don't understand the die hards who are opposed to same sex marriages. Are you afraid that the divorce rate will go down? Gay couples probably are more likely to be better at to death do us part than straight couples. I'm betting that 50 percent of their marriages wouldn't end in divorce. Do you hate wedding planners? You might have seen those wedding planners act like stuck up whiners in the movies and want to keep money out of their pocket. I admit even I have bought into the Hollywood manipulated hate. The thing is though in real life they probably aren't much like the stereotyped characters you see in TV and movies. The extra income same sex marriages provide would be a boon to the economy and the weddings would be extravagant.
Are you afraid that you might learn how to dance or sing kareoke better at same sex weddings? If I was invited to a same sex marriage I'd take the opportunity to learn both skills, so I could belt out staying alive while not tripping over my feet. Another reason people may be opposed to gay weddings is that they are homophobic and couldn't handle seeing two men or women kiss when they tie the knot. Don't tell me you haven't seen any Will Ferrell movies or his old skits on SNL. You probably didn't walk out of the movie or change the channel. There you have it. There really is no reason not to support same sex marriages. Same sex divorces could be scary though because who would get the shoes.
Are you afraid that you might learn how to dance or sing kareoke better at same sex weddings? If I was invited to a same sex marriage I'd take the opportunity to learn both skills, so I could belt out staying alive while not tripping over my feet. Another reason people may be opposed to gay weddings is that they are homophobic and couldn't handle seeing two men or women kiss when they tie the knot. Don't tell me you haven't seen any Will Ferrell movies or his old skits on SNL. You probably didn't walk out of the movie or change the channel. There you have it. There really is no reason not to support same sex marriages. Same sex divorces could be scary though because who would get the shoes.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
It's over American mimes
The American Mime used to be able to make a pretty penny from doing the lean, the rope, and the mime trapped in the box. With acrobatic french mimes from Cirque de Soleil, that isn't going to cut it anymore. It's time to step your game up American mime. Why should we watch your same humdrum unfunny antics when we can watch crazy mime contortionists doing backflips and summersaults 300 feet in the air?
You need to free yourself from the limitations of your box. Maybe you should copy the whimsical nature of the French mimes. At least copy their magical butter and fat based diets. Mix in a baguette and some wine, and you could do the splits while twirling downwards on a curtain that is hanging from the rafters. Next try holding your breath underwater for ten minutes, while doing your box routine. It will be more believable. Get your mime on while bungee jumping off the golden gate bridge. Go hang gliding blindfolded. Whatever you do, that mime sad face and waving isn't going to cut it anymore. You better take my criticisms to heart because I hear those French mimes just bought some blindfolds and a hang glider.
You need to free yourself from the limitations of your box. Maybe you should copy the whimsical nature of the French mimes. At least copy their magical butter and fat based diets. Mix in a baguette and some wine, and you could do the splits while twirling downwards on a curtain that is hanging from the rafters. Next try holding your breath underwater for ten minutes, while doing your box routine. It will be more believable. Get your mime on while bungee jumping off the golden gate bridge. Go hang gliding blindfolded. Whatever you do, that mime sad face and waving isn't going to cut it anymore. You better take my criticisms to heart because I hear those French mimes just bought some blindfolds and a hang glider.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Youtub: Comic Con 2008
Ah Comic Con the only weekend in San Diego where there are more hot bloggers than hot bodies, more peter pans than those that tan, and of course variety size Princess Leas in gold bikinis. There is something both disturbing and noble about a thirty five year old man dressed up as Spock. Disturbing in that he refuses to let his childhood idle die when he is a grown man. Noble in that he refuses to let his childhood idle die when he is a grown man.
Comic Con is a second Halloween where adults can be kids. These adults which I will refer to as basementers, as they usually reside in basements building their sci-fi and anime collections, make huge sacrifices to worship their heroes. Sunlight? No way. Monitor light is all they need. Money? Spent it all on a Dragon Ball Z Goku limited edition card. Reproducing? Unlikely, unless the perfect comic, anime, sci-fi loving gal or guy of their dreams strides into the Comic Con Convention center room. However when two Comic Con goers of the opposite sex meet and sparks/emoticons fly, get out of the way. When they finally get those costumes off the passion from the couple could be radioactive, and you might accidentally become the next superhero... or die. It truly is dangerous when light sabers and Green Females are flung around aimlessly hollering Klingon battle cries.
I didn't get tickets this year to Comic Con 2008 because I'm saving for a World of Warcraft upgrade. Everybody has a little nerd in them, would you like a little more lol lol lol rofl jk jk jk super jk
Comic Con is a second Halloween where adults can be kids. These adults which I will refer to as basementers, as they usually reside in basements building their sci-fi and anime collections, make huge sacrifices to worship their heroes. Sunlight? No way. Monitor light is all they need. Money? Spent it all on a Dragon Ball Z Goku limited edition card. Reproducing? Unlikely, unless the perfect comic, anime, sci-fi loving gal or guy of their dreams strides into the Comic Con Convention center room. However when two Comic Con goers of the opposite sex meet and sparks/emoticons fly, get out of the way. When they finally get those costumes off the passion from the couple could be radioactive, and you might accidentally become the next superhero... or die. It truly is dangerous when light sabers and Green Females are flung around aimlessly hollering Klingon battle cries.
I didn't get tickets this year to Comic Con 2008 because I'm saving for a World of Warcraft upgrade. Everybody has a little nerd in them, would you like a little more lol lol lol rofl jk jk jk super jk
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