I was getting my haircut today and a ten year old adjacent to me was also getting a hair cut as well. Needless to say he was sneering more than Billy Idol having to do a performance in front of a retirement community. The lady cutting his hair had to tell him to not jump out of his chair. When she asked him if he wanted a lollipop he shouted no and stormed away like a gung ho civil war reenactment participant. I wouldn't have been surprised if she had yanked the hair spray bottle top off with her molars, and tossed it overhead at the kid like it was live and had 2 seconds until detonation. Now I could blame the softness and whiny attitudes on the parents but that is too easy. No I blame television. These kids growing up young in the last ten years have been exposed to Barney, The wiggles, Spongebob, Blues Clues, and bananas that giggle together and never wear business suits (aka Bananas in Pajamas). My generation grew up on bugs bunny and Tom and jerry. From them you learned sharing, caring, scheming and whooping ass in addition to learning how not to catch a road runner.
We better hope that this war in Iraq doesn't last a 100 years cause we are going to get our ass kicked. The next generation is going to bring nerf guns to a gun fight. Influenced by television the kids will try to stop the violence by performing a peachy keen dance number from High School Musical. I think its great to keep children as innocent as long as you can but they got to have some toughness too. Being in the real world sometimes is the equivalent of being a ninety year old boxer with arthritis fighting Jet Li. You're going to get knocked on your ass sometimes and you have to learn to deal with it.
Update: My M. Night Shyamalan theory has been proven correct. His movies do get worse and worse 20 percent rating on rotten tomatoes. Heres a quote from salon.com
"Shyamalan's such an eager recycler, grinding out the same ideas and images again and again. The man who showed such promise less than a decade ago has been leaving a diminishing creative footprint ever since."
Friday, June 13, 2008
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Realistic Fairy Tales
Once upon a time in a land not that far far away lived a young maiden named Sleet White who lived with seven dwarfs. The Dwarfs names were Sleepy, Dopey, Grumpy, Worthless, Battery, Crappy, and Felony. Also living with the beautiful damsel was her occasional live in boyfriend Prince Harming.
Sleet White: What a beautiful morning. The birds are alive and still not carrying bird flu and the grass is almost green. Now off to work you go my beloved dwarfs.
Crappy: Man screw this I'm so sick of riding our tandem bicycle to work.
Felony: Yeah stupid gas prices.
Sleet White: Put on a happy face you two or I'm going to tranquilize your next meal with prozac.
Battery: Put on a happy face! Have you ever thought about how bad being a dwarf sucks. You never give us any action. There aren't any other female dwarfs around here. Maybe one of us gets laid occasionally when we stack each other together like a totem pole and one of those alcoholic witches gets a little too crazy.
Felony: No shit we might as well go back to jail. Thats the last time I got some sexual healing.
Sleet White: Ugh you perverted dwarfs off to work with you. (she grabs a tattered broom and kicks them out of the house)
Meanwhile Prince Harming has just returned from his quest which is the modern day equivalent of a business trip. Sleet White rushes to greet him at the door and throws her arms around him.
Prince Harming: Is the air conditioning on? Babe you know we can't afford that.
Sleet White: What the hell I haven't seen you in months and you are bitching about me running the AC. Those Dwarfs stink up the house.
Prince Harming: Yeah well we can't afford it anymore. You see I got fired by my dad. In this new economy it turns out being a prince doesn't pay and I really don't have any job skills.
Sleet White: NOoooooooooo why does this always happen. Get the hell out of here and work with the dwarfs for now.
Prince Harming: On the corner? I will not degrade myself to be a dwarfen prostitute.
Sleet White: I don't believe you they work at the mine.
Prince Harming: The mine shut down a year ago. Nobody is making money off that old dump.
Sleet White: Look we need money now if your going to cheat on me at least make momma some money.
Prince Harming: I haven't cheated on you in weeks, I mean years. Oops.
Sleet White: I knew it! I knew you were seeing other women on these quests. You kept telling me that you were putting your sword in stones and I didn't think there were that many.
Prince Harming: Yes by Sword I mean my penis and by stones I mean vagi (Sleet White slaps Prince Harming in the face)
Sleet White: Get the hell out. You know what forget this. I'm out of here. (Sleet White trudges up to her room and takes 5000 pairs of shoes and stuffs them into a box)
Prince Harming: Good luck paying off your credit card bill.
Sleet White ended up leaving the house and never saw the dwarfs or Prince Harming again. She tried to buy a poison apple from the witch but her assisted suicide business went out of business. She lived somewhat unhappily ever after for ten years till the economy picked up and she used her fashion experience to start a moderately successful clothing line for dwarfs. The end.
Sleet White: What a beautiful morning. The birds are alive and still not carrying bird flu and the grass is almost green. Now off to work you go my beloved dwarfs.
Crappy: Man screw this I'm so sick of riding our tandem bicycle to work.
Felony: Yeah stupid gas prices.
Sleet White: Put on a happy face you two or I'm going to tranquilize your next meal with prozac.
Battery: Put on a happy face! Have you ever thought about how bad being a dwarf sucks. You never give us any action. There aren't any other female dwarfs around here. Maybe one of us gets laid occasionally when we stack each other together like a totem pole and one of those alcoholic witches gets a little too crazy.
Felony: No shit we might as well go back to jail. Thats the last time I got some sexual healing.
Sleet White: Ugh you perverted dwarfs off to work with you. (she grabs a tattered broom and kicks them out of the house)
Meanwhile Prince Harming has just returned from his quest which is the modern day equivalent of a business trip. Sleet White rushes to greet him at the door and throws her arms around him.
Prince Harming: Is the air conditioning on? Babe you know we can't afford that.
Sleet White: What the hell I haven't seen you in months and you are bitching about me running the AC. Those Dwarfs stink up the house.
Prince Harming: Yeah well we can't afford it anymore. You see I got fired by my dad. In this new economy it turns out being a prince doesn't pay and I really don't have any job skills.
Sleet White: NOoooooooooo why does this always happen. Get the hell out of here and work with the dwarfs for now.
Prince Harming: On the corner? I will not degrade myself to be a dwarfen prostitute.
Sleet White: I don't believe you they work at the mine.
Prince Harming: The mine shut down a year ago. Nobody is making money off that old dump.
Sleet White: Look we need money now if your going to cheat on me at least make momma some money.
Prince Harming: I haven't cheated on you in weeks, I mean years. Oops.
Sleet White: I knew it! I knew you were seeing other women on these quests. You kept telling me that you were putting your sword in stones and I didn't think there were that many.
Prince Harming: Yes by Sword I mean my penis and by stones I mean vagi (Sleet White slaps Prince Harming in the face)
Sleet White: Get the hell out. You know what forget this. I'm out of here. (Sleet White trudges up to her room and takes 5000 pairs of shoes and stuffs them into a box)
Prince Harming: Good luck paying off your credit card bill.
Sleet White ended up leaving the house and never saw the dwarfs or Prince Harming again. She tried to buy a poison apple from the witch but her assisted suicide business went out of business. She lived somewhat unhappily ever after for ten years till the economy picked up and she used her fashion experience to start a moderately successful clothing line for dwarfs. The end.
Monday, June 9, 2008
National Spelling bees
Once again the national spelling bee occurred and once again a kid from India won it. I'm calling for all kids from India to be banned from all spelling bees in the future because of some of the huge advantages being from India provides. First is the obvious one Indian parents value education above all and force their kids to study for hours at a time. In America about only 70 percent of parents their force their kids to read books and study. The others plop them in front of the TV to watch High school musical or leave the kids on the internet unsupervised. For some reason that browser never ends up on a site about algebra or thermal dynamics. Another reason Indians always win spelling bees is they get to practice spelling their ridiculously long names. Spelling Napashtan Aronkathapan is going to give you a bit of the edge especially considering that as children they are probably expected to spell consonant packed names of their fellow class mates. Poor American kids get to practice spelling names like Tim, Jim, Ty, Bob, Rick, Dan, Ann, Sue. Thats just not going to get it done we got to start coming up with longer names so American children can win spelling bees. Like Timjimbobbyanadan as a first name. Its all about quality spelling quality spelling.
The third reason is the psychological edge that the Indian children have. They can engage in pre-spelling verbal warfare against American kids such as the following. "You better not choke on this word or in ten years I'm going to replace you and your dad at your telemarketing job" That is just too much for a 12 year old to worry about because he fears that the Indian kid could already replace his dad at his telemarketing job and thus he chokes more than an amateur hot dog eating contestant. Please Spelling bee organizers ban the Indian kids for at least one year so the American kids can finish third to another kid from a long name spelling Country.
The third reason is the psychological edge that the Indian children have. They can engage in pre-spelling verbal warfare against American kids such as the following. "You better not choke on this word or in ten years I'm going to replace you and your dad at your telemarketing job" That is just too much for a 12 year old to worry about because he fears that the Indian kid could already replace his dad at his telemarketing job and thus he chokes more than an amateur hot dog eating contestant. Please Spelling bee organizers ban the Indian kids for at least one year so the American kids can finish third to another kid from a long name spelling Country.
Saturday, June 7, 2008
The awkward hug
Hugs can be soothing, reassuring, heartwarming, and frightening especially if you perform the dreaded awkward hug. The awkward hug is when you hesitate to hug a coworker, friend, ex, a first date etc and you have no idea what to do so you dodge to either side and give a pat on the back to the huggee. They may do the same cause its so hard to predict the hug technique of the other person. To prevent awkward hugs its best to preplan with the hugging target that its hugging time and that you are going out hugging. Get in there get your hug on, but make sure your genitals aren't touching of course so you need a little distance, and hug firmly with vigor. Its better to do a bear hug than a cold wet fish hug anyday. No one can blame you for hugging with enthusiasm. But if you do the texas two step pre hug and don't know how firm to hug its going to be more awkward than the bride catching the groom on their wedding day with all three of her bridesmaids.
Now on the flip side if someone hugs you and you just don't want to hug them back here is a tip. Use your voice and your legs! Jump back and say I'd rather not hug thanks. Cause if you hug someone that you don't want to hug its going to be a beyond awkward hug. Its better to reject someones hugs with words than by giving them the feeling that they are a hugless hobo that belongs in a pigsty. Remember awkward hugs are a problem. Its the 3182 leading cause of suicide. So if you are having problems with awkward hugs follow the advice in the blog above or call my toll free hotline 1-800-youdeservegoodhugs
Now on the flip side if someone hugs you and you just don't want to hug them back here is a tip. Use your voice and your legs! Jump back and say I'd rather not hug thanks. Cause if you hug someone that you don't want to hug its going to be a beyond awkward hug. Its better to reject someones hugs with words than by giving them the feeling that they are a hugless hobo that belongs in a pigsty. Remember awkward hugs are a problem. Its the 3182 leading cause of suicide. So if you are having problems with awkward hugs follow the advice in the blog above or call my toll free hotline 1-800-youdeservegoodhugs
Thursday, June 5, 2008
The Second most interesting man in the world
He once committed hari kari and is dead now
The color purple frightens him so he ordered a hit on barney the dinosaur
He only urinates when it rains
He was an oompa loompa in the willy wonka movies before he hit a growth spurt
He voted for Bush twice the second time while drinking kerosene
He thinks that the Olsen twins would not make great paperweights
He yells at his many girlfriends that they need to supersize it and then he throws a giant bag of french fries at them
He originally canceled family guy until people started whining. If he cancels it again he would be a national hero.
He never talks with his mouth full unless he has something really important to say
He once beat Bill Gates at Jeapardy no just kidding he beat him with a cane
Unlike the most interesting man in the world he does drink beer often
Hes drunk right now and passed out in your side yard
He has won the world tetherball championship ten years over and the prizes didn't even pay for beer money.
Cuban hookers know him by the name No dinero.
He plays tonsil hockey but there is no kissing involved only hockey sticks.
Canada knows of him and fears him
He joined the big brother foundation for the tax write off
The color purple frightens him so he ordered a hit on barney the dinosaur
He only urinates when it rains
He was an oompa loompa in the willy wonka movies before he hit a growth spurt
He voted for Bush twice the second time while drinking kerosene
He thinks that the Olsen twins would not make great paperweights
He yells at his many girlfriends that they need to supersize it and then he throws a giant bag of french fries at them
He originally canceled family guy until people started whining. If he cancels it again he would be a national hero.
He never talks with his mouth full unless he has something really important to say
He once beat Bill Gates at Jeapardy no just kidding he beat him with a cane
Unlike the most interesting man in the world he does drink beer often
Hes drunk right now and passed out in your side yard
He has won the world tetherball championship ten years over and the prizes didn't even pay for beer money.
Cuban hookers know him by the name No dinero.
He plays tonsil hockey but there is no kissing involved only hockey sticks.
Canada knows of him and fears him
He joined the big brother foundation for the tax write off
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
No Passports for Traveling Pants
I became aware that they are making a sisterhood of the traveling pants 2 to which i ask one simple question .... why? I never saw the first movie and never will but my best understanding is four young women share laughs, love, and yogurt stains on a pair of jeans. What is going to change in the second one? They still are going to share laughs, friendship, and love but in this one is one of them going to have a time of the month accident? Or what if a seagull accidentally drops a birds eye plop on one of the ladies traveling pants. Will fistfights ensue if one of the heroins refuse to wear the pants for their next big traveling pants event? I can only hope. The amount of twists and turns these pants can take is just overwhelming.
Their is such an unlimited amount of plot lines you can do with the concept of shared pants. The ladies could spill wine on said pants, start out making love to their boyfriend in the pants and then remove pants hopefully dodging any love stains in the process, or they could fight to the death over the mystical powers the pants provide. They might do that for these are much more mighty than regular pants they are traveling pants. Another thing to bring up is what if one of these ladies as they age become too large for the traveling pants? (ugly betty maybe) Will they still have "Sisters of the Traveling pants 4: Around the world in 80 days in Traveling pants" So much to ponder for this great denim franchise as they go forward.
Their is such an unlimited amount of plot lines you can do with the concept of shared pants. The ladies could spill wine on said pants, start out making love to their boyfriend in the pants and then remove pants hopefully dodging any love stains in the process, or they could fight to the death over the mystical powers the pants provide. They might do that for these are much more mighty than regular pants they are traveling pants. Another thing to bring up is what if one of these ladies as they age become too large for the traveling pants? (ugly betty maybe) Will they still have "Sisters of the Traveling pants 4: Around the world in 80 days in Traveling pants" So much to ponder for this great denim franchise as they go forward.
Monday, June 2, 2008
Star Wars vs Star Trek
As a nerd I understand how and why people can be passionate about many things. What I don't understand is when one fanatical nerd group thinks they are better than another fanatical nerd group. Case in point Star Wars fans vs. Star Trek fans. Star Wars fans think that Star Wars is the Filet Mignon of Science fiction and that Star Trek is a turd sandwich served with a side of fecal fries. Darth Vader pwns (nerd lingo for owns) Captain Kirk, Obi one super pwns Spock, and C3PO bitchily slaps Captain Picard. News flash nerds those that wear costumes, are of a greasy composition, and live in their parents basements should not be bashing those that wear costumes, are of a greasy composition, and live in their parents basements. Stop nerd on nerd crime.
Someday I have a dream where all intergalactic space based nerd theme show fans can come together and share some awkward costumes and Zimas. Star Wars fans with Star Trek fans and Battlestar Gallactica fans etc. Maybe even some will fall in love and have a whole mess of costumed babies who will be ostracized and beaten up by the non costumed children of public schools. Until this magnificent dream of nerd unity occurs I will use the force and live long and prosper.
Someday I have a dream where all intergalactic space based nerd theme show fans can come together and share some awkward costumes and Zimas. Star Wars fans with Star Trek fans and Battlestar Gallactica fans etc. Maybe even some will fall in love and have a whole mess of costumed babies who will be ostracized and beaten up by the non costumed children of public schools. Until this magnificent dream of nerd unity occurs I will use the force and live long and prosper.
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