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Sunday, March 30, 2008

Christopher Columbus drops off the world

I am now 27 years old. 15 years ago Christopher Columbus was a god revered by American history books as the man that discovered the Americas. A true adventurer and a man that changed history, for where would be without good old Chris Columbus? Now fast forward 15 years later and no one gets a day off for Columbus day because Columbus didn't truly discover America, and to some the only thing he discovered was western diseases and rape. Yes thats right, Columbus now in the eyes of many is a murdering, disease carrying, torturing, rapist. Thats like combining Hitler, Charles Manson, and a pigeon's bad qualities and throwing them together in a stew of evil.

I have no idea what Columbus was really like, so please if there are any Columbus fans I'm just repeating what I've heard. Don't steer your Nina, Pintas, and Santa Marias at me just because I'm much too lazy to research. Things can always go back to the way they were. In twenty years from now Columbus may get the discovery of America attributed back to him and with an added bonus also the credit for inventing the Playstation. History is crazy like that. Why do we keep putting stuff in History books when there are differing accounts as to what happened? These are history books and not debate books. They should set up history booths with scholars at the fair right next to the fortune tellers just to see who is more accurate. To sum it up give Columbus may have been a jerk, but give him back his hero status cause we could all use another day off.

Friday, March 28, 2008

State of the world

I want to preface this blog that although I don’t agree with what our government has been doing I still support every single troop in the military. Ok time to rant. Going to Iraq and "liberating" the Iraqi people is like sticking your head into a hive full of yellow jackets, slicing the queen bee in half, and yelling you are free now. Not expecting consequences in a very secular country who already hated our guts was beyond laughable. Trying to force democracy on a country with a different religion is like trying to have sex with your lover without kissing or any foreplay. Its a bad idea and likely to piss the other person or country off. Oh you bet Iraq is going to see other people, and those other people is pretty much the rest of the world. This country used to have allies upon allies and now we can’t even get countries to break bread with us at a five star restaurant even if we pick up the tab.

I feel terrible for whoever the next president is. I think all three candidates would be huge improvements in their own way, but I have no idea how they are going to handle the war. McCain wants to stay, and although I would love to bring our boys home as fast as possible he might be right cause if they leave their will be a very uncivil war. The middle east made a mess and we tried to clean it up with gravy, kerosene, and some matches. What a surprise, we slipped into the mess and then it blew up. Obama and Hillary’s plans of taking the boys out now may improve the countries morale and get our country to focus on us. In case no one has noticed the dollar is falling like Mary Catherine Gallagher used to in those old SNL sketches. Whoever is the next president is going to feel like they are the parents of octuplet banshees because they are not going to be getting a lot of sleep with the mess that has been created.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

To bee all you can bee

Bees are amusing to me. In a moment they can go from pollinating flowers to going on a one bee suicide mission just to sting one human who has pissed them off. Dang you are dumb bees learn to control your emotions. You have so much honey to make, flowers to hump, and a big fat queen bee to protect. You have a purpose. But then I thought to myself what if humans had the same capabilities a bee had and could sting the crap out of someone that pissed them off but it would end their lives instantly. Most of us would be able to control ourselves and remember that although we would love to sting somebody it wouldn't be worth it in the long or short run because we'd be freaking dead. Not me though I would have used my sting a long time ago. That boss that yelled at me when I'm sick, boom you're stung jerk and I'm dead. The girl that dumps me by text message, you're stung you heartless technology queen and i'm obliterated. The mcdonalds worker that only gave me two creams and two sugars when i said two creams and three sugars. Ok maybe I wouldn't sting that guy but I would wave my butt around demanding my Sugary dues! lol. Don't let it happen again. So next time before you laugh at bees like me and call them stupid think about how having an instant death stinger when you are pissed off and not thinking clearly could kinda be a pain in the ass. Us humans could learn a few things from bees. Don't lose your temper, and don't hump a plastic flower. it's simple.

Monday, March 24, 2008

Lost please get found.... or canceled!

Just like Oceanic 815 was blown apart and crashed into the ocean the show Lost has taken a similar nosedive this time with no survivors. The show used to have characters that I cared about and mystery upon mystery that I was excited to unravel. Now Lost has stumbled into the maddening arena of character addition chucking new worthless and pointless characters onto the screen while robbing the original characters such as Kate, Jack, and Locke of the personalities that made them interesting. The mysteries that used to seem fascinating to me seem tedious and some of the mysteries that are being solved are done so with poor writing or lame tie ups. Interesting characters like Mr. Eko, Charlie, and Libby have died while boring characters like Claire, Hurley, and Sun remain. To be fair to Claire, Hurley, and Sun they used to be interesting but the writers have given them nothing to do sans child raising, fear of death over having a baby, and saying Dude a lot. Also for how much they walk on that island.. Hurley should be skinny.. cause no fat man, can live on a desert island and keep Mens' big and Tall stores in business. How a dude manages to gain weight on a desert island truly is Lost's greatest mystery and please no more shirtless cannonballs.

Last episode they bring back murderer Michael who is Ben's spy on the boat. Surely a main character will die or at least Michael will kill some guys on the boat like he is told. Nope instead the bomb he plants and tries to detonate has a not yet message attached to it like i am watching Wild E Coyote on Loony tunes. Lost promised in the episode that someone would die. Of course it was two awful side characters that were not really part of the main cast at all. The show reminds me of a caterpillar that turned into a butterfly as the show in the first two seasons was pretty great. But the last one and a half seasons that butterfly has decided to clip off its wings and turn into something much uglier than a caterpillar, Lost has turned into a cockroach.

Friday, March 21, 2008

March Madness = March badness

The only thing I can ever predict about the NCAA tourney is that it will cause me to not get any work done. USD and Western Kentucky pull dramatic thrilling upsets which leave me hyper, pumped, and wanting to bask in the thrill of victory rather than the thrill of site submitting. I'm like a puppy with ADD at a chew toy factory. The concentration and motivation to work just isn't going to be there.

Predicting who is going to win is like guessing the exact number of jellybeans in a package of jellybeans bought at Costco while blindfolded. Its just not going to happen. I watch a lot of college basketball and tend to get smug in making my picks. In fact two family members and a friend of mine asked me to fill out my picks. Not even half a day into the first day and my picks are all categorically wrong. Georgia my upset pick blows a ten point lead against three seed Xavier. Certainly 11 seed baylor will take out overrated purdue. Nope wrong Purdue by twenty. Surely USC and UConn will make the sweet 16 nope one and done. Thats why you don't let me do your picks family and friends. The tournament can make you feel like the elementary school kid that has to do a book report presentation and hasn't even heard of the book let alone read it.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Mastering Internet technology

The internet is tough man. There's always some new piece of technology to learn and you got to keep up with the times. I first heard about widgets about a month ago and I was like wtf is a widget. I figured it was a midget that was a witch or something. Then RSS feeds started popping up everywhere like orange gophers. Everyone knew how to set their feed up but me. The RSS stood for Real shitty setup cause I was awful at setting it up. Its all about html code and the public school system did not make computer science mandatory. Score one for the nerds again. Eventually through good old feedburner I learned the art of the rss feed setup.

Also I understand ping pong but if you take the pong away you get ping which is another internet term I haven't mastered. Pingback sounds like a chiropractic condition and yet I must find out all of its secrets. I'm sure by the time I finish writing this blog widgets and rss feeds will be irrelevant and I will have to learn more new, innovative, and frustrating forms of technology. If you stumble upon this delicious blog I hope you dig its content and will be glad that you read it.

Monday, March 17, 2008

College is for parties

Always go to a party school if you are in college. Take the six year plan and don't make the same mistake I did. I decided to go to UCSD whose only parties were lan parties. Students there were either at the the library or the laboratory or as i call them the liboring and the laboringtory. Left to fend for myself in a non social wasteland I decided to form a gang. The gang consisted of a nerdy asian guy named MSG-dawg, an unsmooth Indian guy named Touchable because he liked to yell out to the female engineering students that he was so Touchable, and me. Those guys gave me the nickname the sadistic statistic cause I was one bad ass math major dork.

Our gang roamed the mean streets of La Jolla where we helped old ladies cross the street and prevented many a frappachino jacking as that is about as criminal as UCSD gets. MSG-Dawg, Touchable, and I decided to go to a frat party where MSG dawg couldn't withstand his excitement. He was like dude that girl is topless and I was like huh MSG-dawg you are crazy and he was like "yeah man she's laptopless. I've never seen a girl here that isn't studying or on her laptop" After that I realized man I'm not in the upper echelon of smart kids here at UCSD why am I even here. I should have studied etch a sketch, keg stands, and beer pong at SDSU. Instead of finishing in 4 long boring years I could have finished in 6 fun years making memories that I won't remember due to the alcohol.
So remember kids stay in school... as long as you can!

Friday, March 14, 2008

Leprechauns no more

I have a new theory concerning a creature of mythical proportions. Maybe they aren't mythical at all, they just don't reproduce due to several factors. Oh yes Leprechauns are real indeed, or they used to be real until they let themselves go extinct. Leprechauns don't exist anymore for two reasons: no females in the species and Leprechauns are gay. For proof that there are no female leprechauns just turn to television, movies, and books. I've never seen a female leprechaun and I would say it would be near impossible to be a female leprechaun, because all leprechauns have beards. Ah you say Lucky the Leprechaun from Lucky Charms doesn't have a beard. Lucky is a dwarf who killed a leprechaun, stole its identity, and found glorious cereal treasures. It all worked out for him.

Now as far as Leprechauns being gay my theory is this. First their pot of gold is at the end of the rainbow which is kinda gay. Second with no female leprechauns to breed with the boyos have to shamrock each others worlds. Thus with no ways to reproduce all leprechauns have gone extinct. What the leprechauns should have done was invest their gold money into cloning or test tube leprechauns so they could have danced jigs till the end of time. How did Leprechauns get on the planet in the first place? They evolved from monkeys. Tiny lucky monkeys or magic.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

First impressions based on shoes

Some women make their first impressions of a new guy that they meet based on what type of shoes they wear. I used to wear shoes with no laces that zipped up, imagine how much i can please you ladies. Lets try some immediate judgments. Loafers equals rich while vans mean a skater surfer guy. What do clogs say about a man? He's either dutch or retarded I would guess. I don't know ladies judge away. What if you don't even wear shoes? Poor right? Got to be poor, but maybe he doesn't want to be branded and labeled and he's doing it all for show. Incorrect! A dude with no shoes is in fact a poor mofo.

One type of shoes that turn women off throughout time is the sandal. Even when the sandal was invented in roman times women detested the sandal. The sandal appalled the fashion sense of women so much that they wouldn't have sex with the men so the fellas had to resort to banging each other rather than give up the freedom of the sandal. One of my biggest mistakes of my youth occurred about five years ago when I decided to rock sandals at the club for a young ladies birthday who I had a crush on. I guess I thought I was "the Dude" from the big Lebowski. Needless to say between my clumsy white boy dance moves and open toed footwear my night did not go as I planned. I will give myself some credit though for stealthily sneaking in my piece of crap sandals ninja style into the club. So remember ladies try to look at more than our shoes before you judge us, but if you catch us wearing clogs, no shoes at all or sandals judge away cause those dudes probably are douchebags. I know I was.

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Suburban Rap

Suburban Rap? What's Suburban rap? Suburban rap is the art of taking a rappers lyrics to the suburbs. For example the lyrics for "I like big butts and I cannot lie" suburbanized would be I adore plump derriers and I cannot mislead. Basically I make the lyrics as far away from the streets as possible, because as a sheltered middle class white guy I know nothing of the streets. I don't carry guns with me, i carry a stick of chewing gum or some mints thus suburban rap is born.

Lets try a suburban rap together. Lets use Ludacris song lyrics "Move bitch! Get out the way" The first thing that needs to go is "move" cause its not too polite. Excuse me is more tact and likely to get a much more pleasant response in my land of white picket fences and 2.3 kids. Next that ugly b word has to go. In the suburbs we say miss even if the woman is a total soccer mom bitch. So move bitch suburbanized becomes Excuse me miss. The second part is a bit tricky, we need to be polite but firm as the bitch is still in our path. I think the best course of action here is a combo play. Start with a nonthreatening question like "would you" or "can you" to show some down home cornbread manners. Then out of nowhere hit her with the please step aside to show you have art galleries or a maroon five concert to get to urgently. Bam you got a suburban rap lyric. Move bitch get out the way just became excuse me miss would you please step aside? We went from a command to a question. Now take a suburban rap lyric "I enjoy it when you call me large father" and try to guess what the original rap lyric was.

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