New weeks resolutions

People love to make new years resolutions but I don't even bother. Goals are great and all, but year long goals are too general and long term for me. In my opinion making new day resolutions or new week resolutions is a lot more effective. A new years resolution of losing 40 pounds sounds like a great goal but there is no timetable leaving not much personal responsibility. If you're a regular gym user how often have you seen the person with the new headband and sweatpants show up to steal the last treadmill in January? Instead of being angry I laugh cause I know by February he will be seen less at a gym than a rap artist performing at the country music awards.

Its not that the guys new years goal was a bad one its just that he didn't pace himself. Its like trying to sprint in a marathon. If he set a weekly goal of going to the gym three times a week he would not be stressed out trying to burn all his holiday fat. Going to the gym is a skill just like anything else. You're not going to be ripped like Arnold overnight just like someone learning to cook isn't going to be Rachel Ray by February. Set tiny daily goals reach those goals and keep improving. Do this and next year you can brag about keeping up with your new years resolutions while I sit on the couch stuffing myself with see's candies.

company halt

I just don't trust companies any more. Job security in this day and age seems rarer than a solar eclipse occurring on leap year. Budget cuts are more common than paper cuts and it seems that quality employees are being dropped like a cruel game of hot potato. Sadly with this economy in shambles many people are desperate for get not poor schemes as get rich schemes don't seem in reach. Many people are making money scamming the unemployed people out of money which is revolting and disgusting.

Right now the best option in this day and age seems to be to start a honest business from home within a particular niche market. The other option seems to be finding small opportunities on the internet to get paid doing surveys, copywriting, promoting companies that want to whore out products, and my favorite begging for donations. Honestly I don't blame anyone anymore for trying to make money legally by any means necessary. I used to laugh at an episode of the Simpsons where homer urged people to send one dollar to happy dude if they wanted to be happy. Now its a genius idea. In fact I heard of this website where this guy begged for five dollar bills and made like 20 thousand dollars. Online begger or entrepreneur genius? In this day and age who cares what the label is as long as you have money in your bank account.

Orgyvision

One thing I can't stand about television is for characters who belong to a tight knit group of friends or colleagues to all have sex with each other. This concept I call Orgyvision. Take Grey's Anatomy for example. Every character on that show has partner switched more often than Illinois Governors get sent to prison. How do these fictional surgeons have time to operate on any patients when they are always operating on each other?

Saved by the bell got it right. That show believed in monogamy. Zach and Kelly, Slater and Jesse, Screech and his hand. Nothing scandalous there, just wacky teenagers growing up normal in high school. Contrary to Saved by the Bell the show Friends was another one of the orgy bed hopping TV series. Despite Ross and Rachel being in love the six friends were extremely friendly with one another. Even Joey and Rachel hooked up at one point. I don't even want to know what Ross did with his pet monkey. Say what you want about Polygamists but at least in Polygamy people get married. Although they need to let women take multiple husbands as it would guarantee someone would take out the trash.

The message that television provides to young kids is build friendships and relationships with the opposite sex. If something goes wrong in your main relationship hook up with one of your best friends later in the week. That certainly won't lead to any dire consequences down the line.

On the TV show Lost Kate is in a love triangle with Sawyer and Jack. To boost ratings this season she needs to get with Sayid, Hurley, the Smoke Monster, and a Coconut. Can you imagine what orgyvision would have been like if it spread to cartoons such as the smurfs? Poor Smurfette and Vanity Smurf would be sore (yes he's a dude). I suppose the bright side would be no more blue balls.

Unfortunately I think orgyvision is here to stay. Ratings are king and nothing is more intriguing to humans than watching others make bed hopping an olympic sport. Jerry Springer and tabloid magazines would not have thrived if this wasn't the case. I leave this discussion with this final thought... Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!

We gotta kill hitler bro

In the upcoming movie Valkyrie Tom Cruise plays a German officer in the Nazi army who hatches a plot to kill Hitler. I find it kind of amusing from the previews just how non German Cruise sounds. Why not get Pierce Brosnan, Hugh Jackman, and Kermit the frog to play the part. Then you have English German, Australian German, and Muppet Frog German. Without a trace of a German accent Cruise declares that we have got to kill Hitler. I think a guy whose character's name is Claus should at least be drinking a Beck's or listening to some David Hasselhoff techno song. Plus without subtitles or a German accent the task of killing Hitler using an American accent doesn't seem as urgent.

Claus: Bro we gotta kill Hitler. Hes such a dick.

English German: Go away I'm watching Abbot and Costello. I still have no idea who is on first.

Claus: Dude that can wait. I'll buy you a best of Abbot and Costello movie reel now lets shoot that bitch ass mustache wearer.

English German: Throw in a Chaplin movie reel.

Claus: Fine man but you got to make me my favorite German dish when we're done.

English German: Hot dogs and apple pie it is.

Twitter glossary updated

I like using twitter to keep up with my favorite blogs and let my many awesome extremely intelligent and remarkable fans know that I have a new blog post to annoy them er entertain them with. One thing that I love about twitter is its 140 character limit. This forces me to send little short blurbs that hopefully get to the point. Usually these points are whining. Twitter is great for whining. I like complaining about the 70 degree and sunny weather out here in southern california to my twitterati buddies just to confuse and anger them. Nothing better than receiving a 140 character profanity laced tirade. In twitter when you send a message its called a tweet. I'm sure they would have called it Tweeter if it wasn't for that stupid electronics store. When i send a message its called a twit. Tweets are important my twits are usually stupid and pointless like having a 162 game baseball regular season. If you're new to twitter here is some lingo used in the twitter world.

Twitthore- basically a person that sends more that 200 messages on twitter a day and updates their status every five seconds. A twit whore if you will.

taking a twit- people that take the what are you doing a little too seriously and leave the status of their current bathroom activities.

twatters- people like me who like to bitch on twitter. "my dog died today" boo hoo you twatter. Just kidding thats pretty sad.

twitty- people who can be witty and amuse via twitter. If you are fortunate enough to have some of these as friends bleed them for all the entertainment you can get.

Twitting the hay- When twitter decides to crap out and have technical problems preventing tweets from being sent.

pitch twitter- somebody who tweets for one of their friends while their friend is on vacation.

big twitties- No its not about boobs you pervs, although I wish it was. Big twitties are members of twitter that have over 3,000 followers and can influence the social media spectrum with one tweet.

too legit to twit- Bloggers who think be a magpie, the service that pays people to occasionally put ads in their tweets, is a bad idea or pretty lame.

pity twittys- messaging someone on your twitter friend list not because they have something interesting to say but because they are lonely.



Follow me on twitter at twitter.com/sogeshirts

Vampires always get the girl

With the movie twilight pulling in 70 million opening weekend its safe to say that the ladies love vampires. The vampire as a romantic character has existed throughout time and the fascination by women with vampires is to me driven by the whole neck fetish vampires have. Despite their affinity for necks the vampires goal is to not trigger one of the women's erogenous zones, but instead to bite the neck and suck up the blood.

Yet sensitive vampires sell and are all over the place. Sensitive vampires such as Edward from Twilight or Angel from Buffy the vampire slayer will choose hot passion with a mortal over their thirst for blood. Yes usually the vampires cast in movies such as Interview with the vampire and Twilight etc are considered by most women to be good looking guys, but why do vampires get more action than other monsters? Zombies are hideously ugly and I don't believe there has ever been a romantic zombie movie where the zombie gets the normal girl. Perhaps if the zombie decided to eat womens earlobes while first nibbling on their ears to warm up instead of brains he would get more play. Certainly like vampires zombies must occasionally have a sensitive young monster who cares more about the girl than the delicious ear lobe he can devour.

Another thing is why are vampires always skinny? You never see a vampire with a beer belly. They are always fit and in shape. It would be kinda funny to see an out of shape vampire try frantically to find a female to seduce/catch and fail miserably. Vlad the inhaler or something. For some reason I don't think the overweight sensitive vampire will be quite the hit with the ladies.

Monopoly's Mr. Moneybags falls on hard times

This week Soge Shirts got to interview Mr. Moneybags from the board game monopoly. He has fallen on hard times during this economic crisis as he is unable to sell any of his properties since no one has money to buy. We caught up with him sniffing glue at Baltic avenue.

Soge shirts: Mr. Moneybags I just saw that you were trying to sell Marvin Gardens on craigslist for 3000 dollars? Is that true?

Mr. Moneybags: Hell yes its true do you think 3000 is too high? I can go lower I'll sell it to you for twelve bucks and a dime bag.

Soge shirts: No thanks. With no income coming in how are you adjusting to your life as a common man?

Mr. Moneybags: Not very well I'll tell you what. I used to have three ways with miss scarlett from clue and Princess Frostine from candyland. Last week I hooked up with Mr. Peanut and Pop from Rice krispies.

Soge shirts: Well at least you popped a nut I hope just kidding.

Mr. Moneybags starts to cry.

Soge shirts: Sorry that was inappropriate. How are your investments in utilities and the railroads doing?

Mr. Moneybags: I sold those years ago to buy the first car to run on that corn shit. Who knew when times are tough that people would still pay for water and electricity.

Soge shirts: If the property market continues to hover or decline whats next for Mr. Moneybags?

Mr. Moneybags: I'm going to pass go 5000 times to make another million you asshole. I'll have to move in with my son or steal Wilfred Brimley's identity. We look somewhat alike.

Soge shirts: Aside from your tumbling finances do you have any regrets?

Mr. Moneybags: My ties to Halliburton really screwed me. I donated to the Bush campaign and thought that Cheney would make me billions with those sweet defense contracts but instead Cheney shot me in the back on a quail hunt.

James Bond should be bald

With the new Bond movie Quantum of Solace coming out tomorrow I thought it would be fun to give ten reasons why his life would be so much easier as a bald man.

1. He would be faster and more aerodynamic.

2. Bond could be funnier and played by someone such as Larry David from Curb your Enthusiasm.

3. He wouldn't have to deal with having all that sex all the time thus avoiding the femme fatale that always almost kills him.

4. He could settle down with Moneypenny and have children and their kids would be kidnapped all the time. Nevermind that would suck.

5. The opening credit songs featuring the naked silhouette girls would feature some head rubbing (not the fun kind)

6. Jason Statham would fulfill his mission to ruin the movie industry for the end of time.

7. Bond would probably be a wuss and pay money on his gambling winnings leading to movie titles such as IRS Internal Revenge service.

8. I can't come up with any more good reasons Bond would be horrible as a bald man.

Burger Wars

We've already seen commercials in which one burger company like Jack in the Box makes fun of McDonald's cause of a recent law allowing companies to directly mention/parody their own competition. I'm waiting for these Burger wars to get nasty like the presidential election. Below is an example of Burger King ripping on McDonalds.

Interior Mall of America.

Roland McDon'tald walks into the mall. He is similar to Ronald McDonald in every way except he has purple hair and grey lipstick instead of red hair and red lipstick. He also has a bit of a drinking problem and is stumbling about the mall like a deer that has just been hit by a car. Roland stumbles over to the first group of kids and parents who all look terrified.

Roland McDon'tald: Hey kids and baby makers.

Roland scratches his butt and coughs.

Roland McDon'tald: Lets go eat at McDonald's cause eating shitty poor people food is awesome.

A blond child begins to cry.

Roland McDon'tald: Oh come on. Here, I'll give you a toy.

Roland pulls out a broken beer bottle.

Blond mom: That's not a toy that's a broken beer bottle.

Roland McDon'tald: Give me a break lady I just joined a twelve step program.

Blond mom: Great.

Roland McDon'tald: Yeah I took twelve steps to the fridge to get another beer. I'm loving it.

The lady hits Roland with her purse and then the proverbial Burger King pops up on the screen.

Burger King: I'm the Burger King and I approve this message



Here is McDonalds counter attack ad:

The Burger King and Jack in the Box are passed out in a shack on a bed spooning. Jack wakes up confused and stares at the Burger King before waking him up.

Jack: Hey King wake up. How much heroin did we do last night?

Burger King: I don't know man. A lot... a whole lot.

Jack: We didn't do anything gay did we?

The Burger King smiles coyly.

Burger King: I don't know... you tell me.

Jack: You son of a bitch. You know I'm straight! I even got got out of the hot tub in the swingers commercial.

Burger King: Well you sure liked sausage in your biscuit last night.

Jack: Noooooooooooo!

Burger King: How can you be surprised? I'm always waking up in other guys beds. Wake up with the King.

Then Ronald McDonald pops up.

Ronald McDonald: I'm Ronald McDonald and I approve this message. Eat McDonald's and don't do heroin.

Top ten reasons you are an undecided voter

1. Your lifelong dream is to be in a focus group so you can meet CNN's Soledad O'brien

2. You aren't sure whether Joe the plumber is really a plumber, or even named Joe.

3. Either Obama is a communist, a socialist, and an Arab terrorist, or McCain is a really good liar.

4. You want McCain to mention that he met Bob the Builder before he gets your vote.

5. You are in your ninth year of undergrad studies and are still undeclared.

6. You know Biden is going to say something retarded, but you think Sarah Palin might be retarded.

7. You're more interested in who Paris Hilton picks as her assistant.

8. You like Obama, but you love Tina Fey and want to see her on SNL more.

9. You want to make sure that you are a real Pro American before you cast your vote.

10.You're a Democrat, but you bought the Palin porno and got too attached.

Sign Twirling

I find sign twirling as advertising to be very amusing. First of all when they hire the kid to twirl the sign upside down and spin it i can't see what company they are trying to promote. Maybe try a gentle sway or a light dip so i can see the barber shop I've been missing out on. The second thing about sign twirling is that everyone is doing it. In Rancho Bernardo a few months ago there were so many sign twirlers on every corner I was worried that they were going to form gangs. East sign versus West sign. That is a scary proposition. Another thought I just had was do people who sign twirl put sign twirler or sign holder on their resumes? I'm guessing not. Probably they put vice president of urban marketing or something like that.

One way to curb unemployment in this country is to use the homeless as sign twirlers. Homeless people are often holding up signs like will work for food, or veteran, or Why lie? I need a beer. ( I really saw this sign last week) All they need to do is shake the sign a bit more and show some more enthusiasm and they will get what they want from their old sign.

For those readers of mine that are into good music I recommend the rock band trouble in the wind. Take a listen at some of the songs from their myspace page and let me know what you think. http://www.myspace.com/troubleinthewind Also make sure to enter our blog review contest http://sogeshirts.blogspot.com/2008/10/blog-review-contest.html

Blog review contest

WIN A FREE T-SHIRT
My buddy Michael Wong and I are putting on a blog review contest. Here are the rules to participate.


1.Simply review both our sites in a few detailed paragraphs
A. http://bigmoneylist.blogspot.com
B.http://sogeshirts.blogspot.com/

2.Tell us your favorite shirt from http://sogeshirts.com

3.Please leave the review URL as a comment on both our blog sites.

The wonderful prizes are these

1st place winner: Free sogeshirts.com t-shirt of your choice + Reciprocal Review of your blog/ site from me.

2nd place winner: Reciprocal Review of your site from me.

3rd place winner: Small blurb and linkback

Contest closes on Novemember 12th.
The entries will be judged by blogging guru, Bridget Ayers over at http://thegetsmartblog.com/

Financial crisis: What me worry

Everyone knows that the stock market is taking a nose dive and the outlook for the U.S. Economy looks bleak. Financial panic is spreading across this nation, but is it really that big of a financial crisis? Of course it is, yet bad spending habits die hard. Are people cutting back on things that bring entertainment and small doses of happiness like movies or a starbucks latte? Not so much. Beverly Hills Chihuahua was the number one movie at the box office this week making over 29 million dollars. The movie got awful reviews with a 42 percent rating on Rotten Tomatoes, but still people took their kids to see Paris Hiltons talking purse pets chatter away in bad Hispanic accents. Maybe the majority of those seeing this movie are at the top of the wealth elite in this country, but I highly doubt it.

This is America and we're going to keep paying 6 dollars for Milk duds on our credit cards and seeing bad movies like the upcoming unnecessary High School Musical 3. So suck it Fannie and Freddie, stick it where the sun don't shine Lehman brothers, and hit the road you failed banks like Washington mutual cause main street missed your freeway off ramp of shame. What's another 80 trillion in debt? I'll pay you back tomorrow China I swear it right after the Gap clearance sale ends.

Undecided voters

I really can't even fathom the concept of undecided voters this late in the Presidential race. Regardless of what political affiliation or denomination you are it is very clear this year that Obama and McCain pretty much differ on everything. Economic policy, foreign policy, how to handle the war, political ideology you name it the two candidates could not be more different. If you can't make up your mind after a whole year of seeing these guys on every news channel every day then you are unqualified to be voting. Just don't vote. Those that are still undecided must struggle to make decisions on many many things. Paper or plastic. Just pick one.

If you like corporations protected, limited government intervention, a health care tax credit, and staying in Iraq vote for McCain. If you like middle class tax cuts, more government intervention in economic policies, universal health care, and pulling out of Iraq vote for Obama. Its pretty easy to see the huge differences between these two candidates. Even the Odd couple would look at these two and think "dang we could have done a better job at being different." The differences are even further exacerbated when you look at each candidates running mates. If you like someone who is folksy, charming, and a Washington outsider vote for Palin. If you want someone who is experienced, polished, and knowledgeable vote for Biden. This is not apples and oranges this is apples and orangatang's. Step up to the plate undecideds and make your pick.

Terrible kids games

Remember those games as a kid that seemed designed to separate the awkward kids from the cool kids? Games like Duck, Duck, Goose , heads up seven up, and dodgeball. I hated those games with the exception of releasing all my child level anger by blasting a kid with a dodgeball. Duck, duck, goose might as well be called cool kid, cool kid, nerd and boy did I not like being the nerd. I would sit in that circle and nervously await my fate like a guy on death row waiting for the call from the governor. Sometimes the call would come and I wouldn't be picked, and other times I would be executed and be the exhausted little dweeb running in circles. Curse those ducks. Roast them up and cover them in a buttery glaze.

I also hated heads up seven up. Why ruin a good sleep? I can't be bothered with putting my thumb out there and having to try to figure out who tortured me by touching my thumb while my eyes are closed. All heads up seven up taught me is that it pays to cheat. Peeking made winning that game easier and more efficient than a Japanese car manufacturer. The bottom line though is when you got picked at heads up seven up you felt like you were spinning the chore wheel for the whole day.

Dodgeball has to be one of the most savage school games in the history of man kind. Even cavemen probably didn't play peg Bork with rock to weed out the weak and glorify the strong. For me dodgeball was ok as I was light and nimble, but could still throw and blast some unsuspecting kid with my golden arm. For other kids though it was just giving the biggest bullies in school another tool to terrorize the smaller weaker kids. It was like arming Hitler, Mussolini, Bin Laden etc with the biggest baddest nukes known to man and saying that it was legal to destroy everyone. At the very least the teachers who promoted this game should have had to get their whooping too. To give back to my community I think I will become a P.E. teacher. Will I change the curriculum to eliminate these heartless socially awkward games? No not at all. I'll get my revenge by ruining a whole new generation of kids. Lets go kids time for dodgeball. Big kids versus little kids.

Romeo and Juliet foreclosed

Lord Montague: Romeo time tis of the essence, our manor doth been foreclosed. We must live with the Capulets.

Romeo: The Capulets? Even Tybalt?

Lord Montague: Especially Tybalt. Thou art sharing a room with him.

Romeo: Anger surrounds me like tortured banshees trapped between two worlds.

Lord Montague: Quit being over dramatic. Fannie and Freddie doth crashed as well as Bear Sterns leading us to bunk up with the Capulets. Thou shall pack whilst I buy some Top Ramen at the marketplace.

~ Romeo and his father move in the with the Capulets. Romeo is in his room with Tybalt while Juliet pays him a visit. ~

Juliet: Dear Tybalt may I speak to Romeo lacking your presence?

Tybalt: What for? You going to bang?

~ Romeo slaps Tybalt in the face. ~

Romeo: Cease your mouth Tybalt you colossal menace. Hath you not learned to communicate with a lady?

Tybalt: You're such a giant douche Romeo. I'm not leaving this room so you guys will just have to get freaky in front of me. Besides I like to watch.

Juliet: Thou art thou art. Whatever. Romeo my love, living in the same manor and having our parents get along hath dimmed the romance of our once forbidden tryst.

Romeo: Tis true. Passion used to burn in the embers of our being but now that we share the same hamper and our parents break bread together its just not the same.

Tybalt: Ah poor babies why don't you just commit suicide you insufferable whiners.

~ Romeo takes a pillow and smashes it onto Tybalts head. ~

Tybalt: Oww you dick.

Juliet: Tybalt thou art a dick. Romeo and I couldn't afford the last drop of death at the pharmacy anyways. Alas killing ourselves now would also lack the tragic aspect of our families feud.

Romeo: Indeed.

~ Romeo gives Juliet a kiss. ~

Romeo: My dearest Juliet, I must leave you now... for my shift at Arby's starts in less than a quarter of the hour.

Tybalt: You better not put me on dish duty Romeo I hate dish duty.

Romeo: Not today Tybalt you shall learn the art of the toilet clean.

Tybalt: Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

~ Tybalt dives under the bed and takes out a bottle with a skeleton on it. He unscrews the cap and downs it furiously. ~

Tybalt: Now I leave this wretched world.

~ Juliet starts laughing. ~

Juliet: Alas dumb cousin. We knew you would take the fools medicine so we switched it out with a dose of Powerade.

Tybalt: NOOOOOOOOOO its horrible.

Back to the couch

Summer sure is a great time of the year. The beach is nice, school is out, and the weather is nice and toasty. Oh wait most of us are adults and we still have to work during the summer. Screw summer and three cheers for fall. Especially three cheers for fall TV. I love to read but I usually only read when there is nothing good on TV and since summer TV is as entertaining as turtles mating, I read more books than a do nothing grad student. Tonight one of my favorite shows It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia returns to the air on FX at 10 pm. If you haven't seen it its the Seinfeld of the red bull drinking caffeine abusing generation. The show is outrageous and follows the antics of three bar owners, a bartender, and Danny Devito who plays the father of two of the characters. Political correctness does not exist in their world and the characters backstab each other to the point where the Desperate Housewives look like good people.

I'm a sucker for comedies and now my couch is going to have a giant lazy dent in it as I enjoy How I met your Mother, 30 Rock, South Park etc. If television rots the brain then how me explain this stoopid. TV is one of America's great past times as well as a great way to to pass time. Apple pie, baseball, and sitting on your ass for five hours every night. This is the American way. Welcome back old friend. Welcome back.

Hurricane names

Have you ever wondered who picks the hurricane names and why they picked that name? Probably not but I'm just weirder than you so I did some research. They pick hurricane names years in advance, and let me tell you there are some pretty crappy hurricane names. Hurricanes should have dickhead names like Ike ala Ike turner who was a dickhead. The name fits as the hurricane causes destruction and does whatever the heck it wants. Here are some awful upcoming hurricane names in the next few years.

2008 Hurricanes http://geography.about.com/od/physicalgeography/a/2008names.htm

1. Hurricane Nana- If the hurricane season makes it to the N"s which is very likely then here comes hurricane Nana. This hurricane is going to cause young children to be terrified of their grandmothers for life. No more apples pies and a warm smile. Now Nana is capable of blasting you with a fire hose. Truly a terrible hurricane name.

2. Hurricane Rene- Hurricane Rene just doesn't strike much fear into me. It's a french name so I'm going to assume the hurricane is going to surrender. I might become one of the idiots that tries to stay in my house until water comes past my head and I drown.

3. Tie for the last worst hurricane name of 2008 Hurricane Teddy/ Hurricane Wilfred- Teddy Ruxpin and teddy bear sales are about to plummet. Hurricane Wilfred is an odd choice for a hurricane name, but it makes those few unfortunate souls named Wilfred 300 percent tougher.

Hurricane names 2009 http://geography.about.com/od/physicalgeography/a/2009names.htm

The 2009 batch didn't really have any names that I could make stupid puns about so I'll pass.

Hurricane names 2010- http://geography.about.com/od/physicalgeography/a/2010hurricane.htm

1. Hurricane Hermine- Don't worry Harry Potter fans. Its Hermione not Hermine. Still this is a name that I didn't even know existed. Are their that many hurricanes out there that we have to resort to weird names? You aren't going to see Hermine at the gift shop for one of those novelty name plates.

2. Hurricane Igor- Igor's never win. They are always a hunchbacked servant of Dracula or a Russian bad guy in a James Bond movie, and now a Hurricane that will cause destruction. Might as well name the hurricane Lucifer or Adolf. Not too many Adolf's out there anymore.

3. Hurricane Virginie- I'm guessing most of the V names have been used but why not throw in some product placement in there and go with Hurricane Vlassic to support the jarred pickle industry? At least I would of heard of Vlassic.

There you have it. I wonder if I could get on the board of hurricane naming alliance and I wonder what their salaries are. If I ever do don't be surprised if you see Hurricane Soge shirts as we need all the google search hits we can get.

No Diggnity

Cults can be a scary thing. Jim Jones, David Koresh, heavens gate, and now Digg. For those who have never been sucked into the web of social media, Digg is a site where you can share news, articles, blogs, images and nerd enthusiasm . Their are no editors at digg and the stories with the most diggs or votes make the front page. Having an article hit the front page can lead to tens of thousands of hits. The competition on digg is fierce like trying to be a Chinese Olympic gymnast. Everyone wants to be a power digger for either popularity or financial gain. You can even bury or down vote a story to prevent a competitors story from making the front page. Its like Boiler Room cutthroat stock exchange antics except the combatants are in their underwear in the comfort of their own basement. Recently some small time diggers have been on a witch hunt accusing the Digg elite of using scripts to auto Digg stories. The more stories the power diggers digg the stronger their profiles become. I am a member of Digg and as a member I am also outraged. Outraged that anyone gives this much of a shit about Digg. Digg is a nice website but it is just a website.

For some though Digg comes before friends, family, significant other, and significant mistress. Unlike regular zombies who are temporarily satisfied by eating a delicious brain digg zombies must continue to digg to build their profiles and friends list so that they can be popular. How do I know this? I was a digg zombie and still am sometimes. The other thing I find comical about digg is that in the comments of an article digg users tend to be negative, petty, and whiny little bitches. Some of these guys I swear have a nice generic insult of the day calendar that they bust out. A sad, angry man on digg might make a great painting especially if you could capture the frustration as they punch away at the keyboard. In summary digg is a cool site as long as you keep your diggnity.

9021Oh really?

90210 returns to the air tonight with an almost all new cast making it the saddest reclamation project since Stallone's recent ruination of the Rambo and Rocky series. Has Hollywood just plain run out of ideas? What other old shows are they going to bring back? Since they are getting ridiculous my first vote is to bring back Happy Days. The Fonz could be played by Kirk Cameron of growing pains marking his triumphant comeback from spending time with his family. Richie could be played by ??? I have no idea since I haven't seen a red headed male teenager on TV in years. I guess you could plug in Michael Cera from Superbad, dye his hair red, and add some freckles in makeup. Also why not do another Sex in the City? You could make the ladies younger, faster, hipper, and even sluttier. It doesn't matter who your cast is, just make them in their mid twenties and have the sex drives of hormone enchanced rabbits. Besides original ideas are overrated, or just too hard to come up with. It's all been done anyways so just do it again and again.

Another great idea for the brainless Hollywood producer is to take a show currently on air and make a rocking spin off show. ABC can do a More Desperate Housewives spin off with ladies that sleep around, get murdered, or be total bitches every five seconds instead of every ten seconds. Twice the drama, twice the fun, and three times the ridiculous plot lines. Smallville could become Smallerville following the exploits of superman during his childhood from three to ten. Must be nice to be able to fly home to take naps when at Pre-school or ward off the almighty cooties. Originality and thinking is past its prime in Hollywood. The best ideas are ideas that can come to you in five seconds, which is exactly how I came up with this blog.

Cereal box advice

Have you ever noticed that the back of cereal boxes try to give you advice on how to live your life? They give you lists like ten things you can do instead of watching TV, or ten ways to help the earth. Every single list is the same and they always tell me to go fly a kite. Go fly a kite? How many people still fly kites? I never found kite flying to be very fun as a kid the few times that I got that flying red time waster into the air. The other thing I noticed about cereal box advice is that they never tell people to go take a hike. I guess it's cause they are afraid of potentially offending people if they take that phrase the wrong way. I'm pretty sure that most people would be able to figure out that they didn't mean go take a hike you fat lazy blob.

Also why does a cereal box get to usurp so much authority and tell everyone what they should or should not do with their free time? I know breakfast is the most important meal of the day but I didn't know that gave cereal boxes the right to be Dr. Phil, Oprah, the mayor, and my parents all rolled into one. Only those people can try to tell me what to do. The other thing I've noticed is that when cereal boxes tell you what to do they don't set the bar very high. They tell you to go spend time with your family, but never to cure cancer. They tell you to go plant a tree, but never to save the rain forest. They tell you to eat more cereal and not to eat donuts. Just bad advice all around. Take the cereal box power away. Instead of reading the back of cereal boxes go fly a kite, plant a tree, and take a hike.

Party Economics

As everyone know times are tough. Gas prices are kicking our ass, homes are foreclosing, and the stock market looks pretty iffy. Another thing that has died is the house party. Lets take a look at this hypothetical conversation between Doug and Raj taking place at the local 99 cent store.

Doug: Hey Raj. Dude I'm having a kick ass party Friday night you down?

Raj: Yeah man where at?

Doug: My place bro... at my parents house. You know, tough times, tough times.

Raj: Oh ok. Is there going to be alcohol?

Doug: Naw can't afford it man. Tap water is free though.

Raj: (disappointed) K. Any ladies coming?

Doug: Yeah some of my sisters friends. We're not allowed too many people at the house.

Raj: Isn't your sister 17?

Doug: Yeah but she's got one friend who is 19.

Raj: Is she cute?

Doug: She might be in the dark.

Raj: Ok well I don't think I can make it. Your house is like ten miles away and I got to save gas.

Doug: I hear you dude. Hey before you go can you drop me off at the bus station?

Raj: You got fifty cents for gas?

Doug: Almost...

Raj: Sorry man, see you around.

Top six Celebrity Spies

With the recent revelation that Chef Julia Child worked undercover for what is now known as the CIA credible sources revealed several other former Celebrity agents. I always wondered why Julia Child served Cold War cuts and now I know.

1. Mister Rogers- His slogan was won't you be my neighbor unless you're a dirty communist. Beneath his nice guy exterior Rogers was responsible for the deaths of many Russian spies using the sweater strangler technique.



2. Joan Rivers- A master of disguises due to her many plastic surgeries, Rivers made many missions into Nicaragua and Vietnam. She could never change her distinct voice however and was captured many times only to be sent back. Her captors couldn't handle criticism of their guerilla style uniforms.



3. The Odd couple Jack Lemon and Walter Matthau- The Odd couple indeed. These two nearly fought to the death several times during their spy careers including a cane fight on the set of Grumpy Old men. Lemon was brainwashed by Moscow to steal U.S. secrets, which is why he was the uptight one. Matthau was the CIA counter to stop Lemon and the Odd Couple TV show was the vehicle to ensure that they always crossed paths.



4. Desi Arnaz as Ricky Ricardo- A U.S. national hero, Ricardo was instrumental in stopping the Cuban Missile crisis. His famous quote "Fidelllllll don't you dare blow up the US of A" calmed Castro's nerves. Despite preventing a global crisis he was unable to stop Lucy and that darn pie machine.

5. Barbara Walters- Alive for more than 300 years her Benedict Arnold interview landed her a gig with the CIA. It's rumored that during one interrogation of Hitler her barrage of inaudible questions made him ask for a Teddy bear to hug.



6. Regis Philbin- The U.S. answer to Chinese water torture Philbin was a fixture at Guantanamo. With his patented bitter beer face and endless amounts of energy and enthusiasm Philbin cracked every single terror suspect in less than three hours. One suspect claimed "he was just too annoying and I gave up everything."

Celebs license to suck

Celebrities can get away with anything: Arrogance, negligence, murder, but their biggest transgression is their license to suck. Time after time a celebrity who succeeds in movies or sports tries to crossover into the music industry and nobody stops to warn them that they are awful. Lindsey Lohan, Shaq/Kobe, and Scarlett Johansen are major stars that tried to launch successful singing careers with zero talent. No one in their mammoth sized entourages told them that people have ears. We can hear you and you suck. Some of you sound like spider monkeys fighting crying movie theater babies.

Then there are the singers like Jessica Simpson, Mariah Carey, and Britney Spears who try to act in films. Remind me if The Dukes of Hazard, Employee of the Month, Glitter, or Crossroads won any Oscars? In fact the above named actresses were like Barbie/Bratz dolls brought to life with performances so wooden and dumb that they turn little girls fantasies into nightmares. The next step for celebrities is to take over the show America's got talent where the celebrities can try juggling and fire breathing to impress David Hasselhoff. Even if Tom Cruise lights himself on fire and suffers third degree burns during his fire breathing act his agent will shower him with praise. It's on us the general public to put an end to this charade. Don't watch Kazaam on the Disney Channel, ignore the new KFed Cd ( I guess he is a celebrity), and stop supporting Oprah's modeling career by buying Oprah Magazine. Let them know they suck

Salem Witches

One of our first blogs. I'm reposting it cause no one really read it.

Have you ever wondered what it was like to be alive during the puritan era of the 1600's? No? In this blog I want to give some of my theories as to why so many woman were labeled as witches and burned at the stake. Maybe they really were witches and weren't sharing the eye of newt with the rest of the village, but it seems unlikely. I think women were called witches in the 1600's if they had brooms but didn't clean. "Abby, please go clean the attic before the rodents appear." "No father I refuse." "She's a witch burn her!" Poor Abby she was probably going to clean later but she had church to go to at the time. If you refused to do the butter churn, you would have to instantly burn.

Also it was very convenient to label women as witches if you were a game-less guy and couldn't get a date with the girl that you liked. "Hey I think we should make out" "No thank you I'm not interested." "She's diddled Lucifer for fortnights, burn her!" Very mature guys. I bet they had giant bonfire parties for the girls, oh I mean witches, that didn't put out. What a great society that had to be. Salem either handed out burnings at the stakes like coupons for Arby's or smallpox for those lucky Indians.

Same sex marriage

The topic of same sex marriage frightens and upsets many people. Personally I think it is a non issue and that two people in love, who need green cards, or are marrying for financial benefit/status, should be allowed to get married. I really don't understand the die hards who are opposed to same sex marriages. Are you afraid that the divorce rate will go down? Gay couples probably are more likely to be better at to death do us part than straight couples. I'm betting that 50 percent of their marriages wouldn't end in divorce. Do you hate wedding planners? You might have seen those wedding planners act like stuck up whiners in the movies and want to keep money out of their pocket. I admit even I have bought into the Hollywood manipulated hate. The thing is though in real life they probably aren't much like the stereotyped characters you see in TV and movies. The extra income same sex marriages provide would be a boon to the economy and the weddings would be extravagant.

Are you afraid that you might learn how to dance or sing kareoke better at same sex weddings? If I was invited to a same sex marriage I'd take the opportunity to learn both skills, so I could belt out staying alive while not tripping over my feet. Another reason people may be opposed to gay weddings is that they are homophobic and couldn't handle seeing two men or women kiss when they tie the knot. Don't tell me you haven't seen any Will Ferrell movies or his old skits on SNL. You probably didn't walk out of the movie or change the channel. There you have it. There really is no reason not to support same sex marriages. Same sex divorces could be scary though because who would get the shoes.

It's over American mimes

The American Mime used to be able to make a pretty penny from doing the lean, the rope, and the mime trapped in the box. With acrobatic french mimes from Cirque de Soleil, that isn't going to cut it anymore. It's time to step your game up American mime. Why should we watch your same humdrum unfunny antics when we can watch crazy mime contortionists doing backflips and summersaults 300 feet in the air?

You need to free yourself from the limitations of your box. Maybe you should copy the whimsical nature of the French mimes. At least copy their magical butter and fat based diets. Mix in a baguette and some wine, and you could do the splits while twirling downwards on a curtain that is hanging from the rafters. Next try holding your breath underwater for ten minutes, while doing your box routine. It will be more believable. Get your mime on while bungee jumping off the golden gate bridge. Go hang gliding blindfolded. Whatever you do, that mime sad face and waving isn't going to cut it anymore. You better take my criticisms to heart because I hear those French mimes just bought some blindfolds and a hang glider.

Youtub: Comic Con 2008

Ah Comic Con the only weekend in San Diego where there are more hot bloggers than hot bodies, more peter pans than those that tan, and of course variety size Princess Leas in gold bikinis. There is something both disturbing and noble about a thirty five year old man dressed up as Spock. Disturbing in that he refuses to let his childhood idle die when he is a grown man. Noble in that he refuses to let his childhood idle die when he is a grown man.

Comic Con is a second Halloween where adults can be kids. These adults which I will refer to as basementers, as they usually reside in basements building their sci-fi and anime collections, make huge sacrifices to worship their heroes. Sunlight? No way. Monitor light is all they need. Money? Spent it all on a Dragon Ball Z Goku limited edition card. Reproducing? Unlikely, unless the perfect comic, anime, sci-fi loving gal or guy of their dreams strides into the Comic Con Convention center room. However when two Comic Con goers of the opposite sex meet and sparks/emoticons fly, get out of the way. When they finally get those costumes off the passion from the couple could be radioactive, and you might accidentally become the next superhero... or die. It truly is dangerous when light sabers and Green Females are flung around aimlessly hollering Klingon battle cries.

I didn't get tickets this year to Comic Con 2008 because I'm saving for a World of Warcraft upgrade. Everybody has a little nerd in them, would you like a little more lol lol lol rofl jk jk jk super jk

Phrase Craze

Time heals all wounds, and also bleeping kills you.

Mimes suck at spelling bees.

Two wrongs don't make a right. Two rights make a Jeopardy contestant.

Early to bed early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy, and boring.

If at first you don't succeed, fail at something else.

Think outside the box, unless your in a cubicle.

Give a man a fish and he eats for a day. Teach a man to fish and he catches a lot of fish, before he gets sick of fish and gorges himself on McDonalds.

Love is blind, but lust has 20/20.

Know thyself unless you are a teenage boy, in which case stop knowing yourself all the time.

An apple a day keeps the doctor, HMO, PPO, clinic and all that other garbage away.

Soge shirts review: The Dark Knight

This was the kind of movie where the nerds walking in to the theaters dressed in joker costumes transform into the coolest guys walking out of the theater. The kind of movie that makes 11 dollar tickets and 7 dollar popcorn seem like a bargain. The type of movie that will inspire someone from the future to build a time machine and stop Heath Ledger from mixing his pills, so he can give more haunting, mesmerizing performances. The type of movie that allows us to escape reality, while at the same time be conscientious of the harsh realities we face in this day and age. The movie that converts fanboys into fanmen. The type of movie that forces Spiderman, The Hulk, Iron Man, and Superman to question their superhero credentials and retire before they embarrass themselves.

This is The Dark Knight a film of such epic proportions that seeing it once isn't enough to process all the tension, force, and subtlety of its brilliance. Compelling bad guys, heroic good guys, choices with consequences, and people in peril whose lives are on the line. See this movie and you will remember what its like to breathe after being buried underground, fly after losing your pilots license, or what its like to make unreasonably ridiculous life comparisons like I just made. Just see it. You won't be disappointed.

Incredible inventions

Here are some interesting/cool/awful inventions that would either make Thomas Edison proud or jump out of his grave to strangle me.

Bad idea buzz- Whenever you get a bad idea you have a neurotransmitter implanted into your brain that jolts you. Bad ideas include makeup sex, breakup sex, road rage, credit card debt, various drugs, and Rob Schneider movies.

Invisible condom- Works just like a condom but it's invisible. The slogan will be I swear its on there.

Don't do that slapper- A device hooked up to a child or young teen till they are 18 that has slap hands at the ready if they do something dumb. Can either get slapped in the face or spanked. Not for creepy bedroom antics.


The double book- A book taped together to the back of another book. Might be especially effective for authors that write shitty novels. The buy in bulk concept could be the only selling point.

Bong pong- Like beer pong, but you take a hit every time you lose a point. You might be eating the paddles after the end of this game.

the knork- This was going to be an awesomely stupid invention in which I taped a fork to a knife so you could use both at the same time but I googled it and some guy made the knork. Its actually quite good and he made millions.


the onesome- Not an invention but a semi new phrase coined by the urban dictionary that hasn't caught on. Basically masterbating but way cooler. "Oh man last night was so crazy! I drank some vodka and knocked over the computer chair when i was having an intense onesome with myself." See much cooler.

The Joker stops by

The Soge shirts blog today was nice and or foolish enough to let me The Joker write a guest blog. They wanted to know what kinda hijinks I do during the day when I'm not trying to kill that flying rodent in the flamboyant suit. I'm a pretty normal guy. I once shot a man in Reno, but I didn't have time to watch him die cause I was busy shooting at the cops. Just a little joker humor. Shit I gotta go feed my cats. K I'm back. Well right now I gotta find a new makeup girl. The last one started to get a huge crush on me. Yeah I may have had sex with her forty or fifty times but she should have known that it wasn't a relationship. It was more of a relaytionship bwahahahahaha... well screw you guys awful puns are funny. You know what I don't get? Sudoku I don't effing get it. If I want to solve annoying number puzzles I'll do my taxes thank you very much. As a criminal of course I won't ever be doing those. Maybe my crew and I should go hold up the IRS offices or the DMV. Not for the money but to give them the oh shit this is going to be a bad day feeling that regular folks get when they walk into those hell holes.

Speaking of crime you know what is a real crime? Paying over four dollars for any coffee based beverage from starbucks. I rob Starbucks as much as possible, but they always end up robbing me a little bit more. Shit I ran out of ADD pills no wonder this blog is all over the place like motivated ants at a picnic. Anyways in my day to day life I like to do a little reading, watch some Its Always Sunny in Philadelphia on dvd, and lose all my robbery winnings on online poker. I can't catch a break on those online sites. I need some freaking jokers in the deck to make a hand lolz. Well its been fun gang I'm gonna take me a little napparoo just in case I feel like trying to kill the batman tonight. I might as well cause summer TV sure sucks ass.

Dumb is the new stupid!

When did becoming stupid become trendy? When did intelligence become a negative trait to sweep under the rug? In today's culture I have noticed that being dumb is cool and being intelligent makes you lame or a total loser as the kids say. In this day an age working at mickey d's is cooler than having phd's. I was watching that The Soup show on E and they had a clip from the teen or tween Disney movie Camp Rock. Girl A said something like "you always trash what everybody else likes!" While girl B retaliated with a series of cringe inducing forehead sign language including the L to the forehead for loser. Girl C translated that Girl B said "whatever major loser." Thank you Disney for making America's kids stupider. Now this particular clip focuses on young girls but I've noticed that Disney is starting to portray all young people as brainless, bubble gum chewing, herd following drones. Sadly it seems this trend has affected 11-17 year old women more than any other group. This trend happened when i was in high school ten years ago so Disney is not the only one to blame.

Young girls intentionally dumb themselves down in junior high and high school to be popular and to receive attention from guys. If they think this is the only way to fit in socially they must have the self esteem of an overweight manatee. Something must explain this phenomenon of brains = totally megalamers. Text messaging isn't to blame either even though sometimes when I laugh I think to myself lol and just want to kill myself. I suppose shows like Saved by the Bell when I was growing up were no different. Stupid equaled cool then and it equals cool now apparently. Maybe someday I will be able to figure this out but I'm going to stop searching for answers so as not to be appear as a smart major loser.

Founding Fathers return

Thomas Jefferson and Ben Franklin at Pacific Beach in San Diego for the fourth of July 2008.

Ben Franklin: Look at all those sexy girls in bikinis. I'd founding father her baby, her baby, her baby, her baby...

Thomas Jefferson: My word man. Get a hold of yourself. You're a founding father not a fondling father.

Ben Franklin: More like a pounding father... up top (he tries to get Jefferson to high five him and is rejected)

Thomas Jefferson: Ben in these modern times you have acquired the dominating trait of oafish buffoonery.

Ben Franklin ignores him and sits down by two attractive college age ladies in bikinis.

Ben Franklin: Hey girls what's going on?

Amber: Not much just trying to kick back, relax, and not get hit on.

Trisha: Yeah it's not going well so far.

Ben Franklin: Cool, cool. Hey do you know what would be the worlds shortest play?

Thomas Jefferson: Excuse my friend ladies for his unabashed rudeness.

Amber: It's ok. What would be the worlds shortest play?

Ben Franklin: The penis monologues. It would be one sentence. My penis either has a raging hard on or tinkles. The end.

Amber and Trisha laugh.

Trisha: That was good.

Thomas Jefferson: Ladies did you know that on this day in 1776 I penned the declaration of independence thus giving you these days of beach pleasantries?

Amber: Yeah that's cool I guess.

Ben Franklin: So girls do you put the bi in bifocals?

Trisha: Only when we've had too much to drink.

Ben Franklin pulls out two Smirnoffs from his coat.

Ben Franklin: Here you go girls drink up. It's the fourth.

The girls take the bottles.

Amber: Thanks.

Thomas Jefferson: Do you ladies enjoy fireworks?

Trisha: Sure you have some?

Thomas Jefferson: Indeed, a bottle rocket beneath my trousers.

Amber: Ew guy thats gross.

Ben Franklin: His wig is a little too tight.

Trisha: Ah ok.

Thomas Jefferson: Damsels did you know that mass amounts of alcohol lead to impaired judgment and could lead to relations with a man considered quite frightful by 18th century standards?

Ben Franklin: Excuse us.

Ben pulls Thomas aside.

Ben Franklin: Why are you loin blocking me?

Thomas Jefferson: You're loin blocking me you stocky hamburgler.

Two life guards walk up to amber and Trisha and are examining the smirnoff bottle. The girls point at the founding fathers.

Lifeguard: Guys can you come over here?

Thomas Jefferson: Let's get out of here before we lose our independence.

Thomas Jefferson and Ben Franklin run away as fast as they can. They get caught and spend the fourth in jail.

Juice boosts

juice boosts- Jamba juice or any juice store has many fantastic boosts that you can add to your drink to make life better. From energy boosts, memory boosts, and protein boosts there are so many things that can give you an extra kick. That being said as Mr. Burns from the Simpson states "I'd trade it all for a little bit more." Here are my ideas for boosts that Jamba Juice and other juice companies haven't thought of yet.

pms remover- Not just for ladies either as their is such a thing as male pms. Those crabby moods got to go. Boost it.


the secret of life- Give me the secret of life boost please. Is it inner peace, unlimited friends, being Hue Hefner? Should be a tasty boost with a mango madness juice.

ego debooster- Sometimes we might have too big of an ego. I need something that will bring me down to a nice even keel so I can quietly think I'm better than you. Just kidding friends!

good timing- The good timing boost would be huge. You get that promotion just when you're jerk boss gets fired so you take his job. You get that sweet parking spot at the mall or sporting event and your dog decides to do his business in the back yard instead of on your walks. One berry smoothie with good timing please.

the right thing to say- whether its to your significant other when he/she is mad, or a pickup line at the bar. Its nice to use a witty comeback or ace a promising job interview by using language as your friend. The right thing to say boost would be huge.

time traveling- This one is self explanatory. Get to work Jamba juice. In fact if anyone has time travel capabilities go to the future so we can get the time travel boost in our juice.

Economic- We definitely need a green tea delight with an economic boost cause we certainly aren't getting it from the government or wall street. It might be the only green you see for awhile lol lol lol sigh.

Dance Crazes

Everyone loves a great dance craze. It started with "head, shoulders, knees and toes on that tuesday back in the day", the zany running man, the mullet rocking achy breaky shuffle, and the "moving around in a circle, never looked so nauseating" Macarena. Today we're going to look at some future possible dance crazes.


Tiny Tequilla- A dance where both dance partners do Tila Tequilla pole grind dance moves and then simulate down south adventures on each other. It might catch on at the high schools.

The Disney Channel- A dance in which there is no touching, not even innocent touching. Two second stares are allowed, however batting eyelashes too long is grounds for dance floor removal. You must be at least ten feet away from your partner and your dancing must not be sensual. You don't want to arouse your partners happy zone from across the room. Inspired by the Jonas brothers.

The Politician- First before doing the politician you lie and say you are a great dancer. Then you trip up over your own feet, put your foot in your mouth, spin spin spin, and backtrack away from the dance floor.

The Hand Grenade- Do some generic dance moves before faking like you are opening a pin of a grenade and throwing it into the dance floor somewhere. After five seconds jump two steps back, duck and cover your ears. This is a great dance at weddings

I'll take one of each - Starting with one partner, don't dance, but smash waistlines while you hold your drink above your head, throw pointer fingers at the bouncer, and wink furiously at each person you can find. Improvisation is welcomed. Next step is to slowly switch partners with the person next to you, and continuously wash the back of your pants or dress, with that partners frontal region. Pace yourself, because you're going to switch partners again in a minute

The Hangover- Grab your head like you have a headache and dance disoriented like you're a confused zombie that couldn't find any brains (my normal dancing style). Sporadically fling out the phrase, "i'm soo wasted."At the end drink water and fake like you are going to down two aspirin.

Heavens gate 2008

Hey everyone Tim from soge shirts reporting. Today I have an exclusive with Marshall Applewhite from the Heavens Gate Cult, who has taken his space ship back to earth to visit us.

Marshall Applewhite: West side!

Tim: uh that was random so Marshall how are you and your crew doing? The last we saw of you was after you took phenobarbital and put those purple shrouds over your faces.

Marshall Applewhite: Yeah don't forget the sweet black nikes we rocked or when all us dudes cut our balls off.

Tim: Oh yeah how did that work out for you.

Marshall Applewhite: Pretty sweet. We landed on Punani 5 the all women planet. There are so many hot chicks. Human compatible too.

Tim: So you retained your genitals.

Marshall Applewhite: No but I bang them in my mind. Its pretty intense.

Tim: Ah tough break tough break. So whats it like on the planet?

Marshall Applewhite: Well besides the hot alien poontang it kinda sucks. We really should of taken a ship full of toilet paper. They don't have it here. I could use a hands free phone I'll tell you that much.


Tim: Ugh gross.

Marshall Applewhite: Yeah high five (Marshall tries to high five me. I get out of the way.)

Tim: Hell no. What else about the planet?

Marshall Applewhite: The whole human colony ran out of shoes too. Our nikes finally crapped out on us so we have resorted to using the carcasses of our deceased to make new shoes.

Tim: You are one sick sob.

Marshall Applewhite: Yeah these are my second pair. Troy was good to me but is nothing compared to Kelvin. His skin is so soft and flexible. Great ankle support too.

Tim: I hate you. Moving on why did you come back here?

Marshall Applewhite: Summer movies of course. I gots to see Wanted and Pineapple Express looks like the best stoner comedy since knocked up. Of course pixar always brings the noise so Walle will be sweet.

Tim: How did you hear about the summer movies here?

Marshall Applewhite: Oh an alien friend of mine is living amongst you. You might have heard of him. Hes a former wwf wrestler with a cocky punk of a son. Their both trying to make money off a friends coma. Only heartless aliens would do that.

Tim: Ah that makes sense.

Marshall Applewhite: So did you see sex and the city?

Tim: Yeah my gf and I ...

Marshall Applewhite: Who's castrated now?

Tim: Touche.

Stupid keywords

Here are some great stupid keywords phrases that will be sure to get you to the top page of google.

Abominable Snow Dildo- The Abominable snow man has been locked away in the matterhorn for years and so the abominable snow lady gets pretty lonely. She still has retained her natural urges thus the abominable snow dildo.

Headbanging jazzercise- You haven’t heard of the new headbanging jazzercise classes? Well me neither but jazzercise has to evolve and be relevant again. Headbanging is just the twist it needs.

Vegan animal haters- We all know that vegans hate meat but there are some that take it a step further and blame the animals themselves. "Stop dying and making meat," they yell at the animals.

cow tipping businessman- Only backwater people cow tip so I doubt this term has been taking. Write an article about leaving your corporate office and go cow tipping in your suit and tie. Hmm Dwight Schrute from the office might do this so act fast.

alcoholic monks- There is belgian beer blessed by monks so this is the next step. Its gonna happen, a monk is going to hit the bottle a lot. You’ll be there when it does as an alcoholic monk expert. This monk will chug twelve packs and listen to nirvana instead of achieving nirvana.

moral congressman- I haven't seen one so wake me up when this happens. Actually you probably won't get ranked high with this one cause every congressman lies and says that they are moral.

Amish phone operator- Like I said in my blog description above they can't use the internet or electricity in general. This one should be easy.

Godgle page rank

O deity godgle please bless me with a page rank of five some day. I've been a good boy. I pushed Yahoo down a flight of stairs. I threw MSN off a nine story building like it was Martin Sheen in the departed. Those sites megabite and I will megahurtz them. I must achieve a high page rank or else there is no point to this cursed life. With your page rank system you've created internet bums on the virtual street begging for a link to a high page ranking site. The sites that have achieved the high page rank are the oil barons setting their prices for links. You want a link? 500 bucks you pond scum site for the almighty godgle has blessed this site with a page rank of seven. Now bow down peasant webmasters. Oh mighty godgle why couldn't you have been humble and given google.com a page rank of nine instead of ten. We know google is important but it makes you look like the Russian figure skating judge at the olympics when you give nines to yahoo, msn, and aol.

Thank you godgle for creating inequality on the internet and securing a system where the rich get richer. The real world did not have enough of those traits. We definitely needed a system where to rank high on search engines you have to start from the bottom and scrap, beg, and pay for links to the old money sites. Also a system where you google can change a site's page rank and the criteria for page rank at any time is quite helpful. Your mysterious ways so work for you. Please don't smite me and my tiny site as i'm doing my part to destroy yahoo. I will pile more spam onto the users of yahoo than a vegetarian luau. Thanks!

The Get Smart Blog

One of my favorite blogs out there has to be the Get Smart blog by my blogging buddy Bridget (three b's in a row yeah i went there). I can't really pinpoint how i'd describe it but in the words of Bridget " I have techie posts, girly posts, random posts, and even frustrated posts there are some people who read all of them, and then those that gravitate to what suits their particular tastes." You really never know what you are going to get whenever Bridget posts it could be a very helpful new tool in technology that will help you be more efficient on the internet like her post on Lijit.com http://www.thegetsmartblog.com/2008/05/why-i-like-lijitcom.html or it could be an entertaining rant.

Bridget makes it obvious that her blog is a business blog trying to help promote her consulting company getsmartwomen.com which is a site that aims to help take women in business to the next level. Although I am not a woman (checks down pants nope all dude) I decided to subscribe to her free newsletter because I was so impressed with the professionalism and the sample articles on the site. Besides all the great tech reviews, and the consulting advice, I find myself drawn to her blog because she says whats on her mind. If she's pissed or frustrated she lets her readers know and if she is in a good mood then her blog is going to be funny and witty. She also participated in the seven sins posts in which she gave her thoughts on every sin. The entertaining sins were quite amusing like envy and gluttony. So check out the getsmartgal blog if you want some good old tech reviews and social commentary.


Here are some other blogs I enjoy

Huckdoll's Hood - Not the typical mom blog huckdoll is funny and shares stories of her past.

regretful morning - blog full of entertaining regret stories full of drunken debauchery and funny things that people regret doing. Not for the faint of heart but it makes me laugh every time.

My life as it was, is, and will be-
A very spiritual blog. Very well written and leaves me more at peace with the world after I read it.

security for idiots- This blog takes on all kind of issues and makes the argument with very sound reasoning. David who writes it should be an ambassador.

health nut wannabee mom blog- Great health tips always. Foods that help you lose weight, look younger, etc.

Ezgreatlife- Blog with great finance tips, family stories, and health tips from an All american dad

Paparazzi and Publicists

In today's blog i want to address the effect the media has on young female celebrities such as Britney Spears, Lindsey Lohan, Miley Cyrus etc. I want to preface this blog with an important note. The responsibility and actions taken by young female celebrities are mostly their own fault for any consequences that occur. That being said their are numerous factors that play into their bad decisions.
First of all the paparazzi are paid stalkers that get paid to dig up and try to catch these girls in the most compromising of positions. Just leave them alone when they are trying to use the restroom or are having a private family moment.

Secondly I swear that the day these girls turn 18 ,or 15 in Miley Cyrus's case, their publicists immediately get working on getting rid of that innocent image. Being responsible and grounded doesn't get media coverage or magazine covers and its boring. Instead publicists help convert their clients from wholesome to whoresome.These young ladies go from hello kitty to hello pussy, bobbing for apples to bobbing for aholes, spelling tests to pregnancy test,and from using ez bake ovens to being baked and easy. Its sad how much we know about these celebrities when it really shouldn't be any of our business. I would write more but I got to pick up an us weekly and go watch extra.

America's kids are soft

I was getting my haircut today and a ten year old adjacent to me was also getting a hair cut as well. Needless to say he was sneering more than Billy Idol having to do a performance in front of a retirement community. The lady cutting his hair had to tell him to not jump out of his chair. When she asked him if he wanted a lollipop he shouted no and stormed away like a gung ho civil war reenactment participant. I wouldn't have been surprised if she had yanked the hair spray bottle top off with her molars, and tossed it overhead at the kid like it was live and had 2 seconds until detonation. Now I could blame the softness and whiny attitudes on the parents but that is too easy. No I blame television. These kids growing up young in the last ten years have been exposed to Barney, The wiggles, Spongebob, Blues Clues, and bananas that giggle together and never wear business suits (aka Bananas in Pajamas). My generation grew up on bugs bunny and Tom and jerry. From them you learned sharing, caring, scheming and whooping ass in addition to learning how not to catch a road runner.

We better hope that this war in Iraq doesn't last a 100 years cause we are going to get our ass kicked. The next generation is going to bring nerf guns to a gun fight. Influenced by television the kids will try to stop the violence by performing a peachy keen dance number from High School Musical. I think its great to keep children as innocent as long as you can but they got to have some toughness too. Being in the real world sometimes is the equivalent of being a ninety year old boxer with arthritis fighting Jet Li. You're going to get knocked on your ass sometimes and you have to learn to deal with it.

Update: My M. Night Shyamalan theory has been proven correct. His movies do get worse and worse 20 percent rating on rotten tomatoes. Heres a quote from salon.com
"Shyamalan's such an eager recycler, grinding out the same ideas and images again and again. The man who showed such promise less than a decade ago has been leaving a diminishing creative footprint ever since."

Realistic Fairy Tales

Once upon a time in a land not that far far away lived a young maiden named Sleet White who lived with seven dwarfs. The Dwarfs names were Sleepy, Dopey, Grumpy, Worthless, Battery, Crappy, and Felony. Also living with the beautiful damsel was her occasional live in boyfriend Prince Harming.

Sleet White: What a beautiful morning. The birds are alive and still not carrying bird flu and the grass is almost green. Now off to work you go my beloved dwarfs.

Crappy: Man screw this I'm so sick of riding our tandem bicycle to work.

Felony: Yeah stupid gas prices.

Sleet White: Put on a happy face you two or I'm going to tranquilize your next meal with prozac.

Battery: Put on a happy face! Have you ever thought about how bad being a dwarf sucks. You never give us any action. There aren't any other female dwarfs around here. Maybe one of us gets laid occasionally when we stack each other together like a totem pole and one of those alcoholic witches gets a little too crazy.

Felony: No shit we might as well go back to jail. Thats the last time I got some sexual healing.

Sleet White: Ugh you perverted dwarfs off to work with you. (she grabs a tattered broom and kicks them out of the house)

Meanwhile Prince Harming has just returned from his quest which is the modern day equivalent of a business trip. Sleet White rushes to greet him at the door and throws her arms around him.

Prince Harming: Is the air conditioning on? Babe you know we can't afford that.

Sleet White: What the hell I haven't seen you in months and you are bitching about me running the AC. Those Dwarfs stink up the house.

Prince Harming: Yeah well we can't afford it anymore. You see I got fired by my dad. In this new economy it turns out being a prince doesn't pay and I really don't have any job skills.

Sleet White: NOoooooooooo why does this always happen. Get the hell out of here and work with the dwarfs for now.

Prince Harming: On the corner? I will not degrade myself to be a dwarfen prostitute.

Sleet White: I don't believe you they work at the mine.

Prince Harming: The mine shut down a year ago. Nobody is making money off that old dump.

Sleet White: Look we need money now if your going to cheat on me at least make momma some money.

Prince Harming: I haven't cheated on you in weeks, I mean years. Oops.

Sleet White: I knew it! I knew you were seeing other women on these quests. You kept telling me that you were putting your sword in stones and I didn't think there were that many.

Prince Harming: Yes by Sword I mean my penis and by stones I mean vagi (Sleet White slaps Prince Harming in the face)

Sleet White: Get the hell out. You know what forget this. I'm out of here. (Sleet White trudges up to her room and takes 5000 pairs of shoes and stuffs them into a box)

Prince Harming: Good luck paying off your credit card bill.

Sleet White ended up leaving the house and never saw the dwarfs or Prince Harming again. She tried to buy a poison apple from the witch but her assisted suicide business went out of business. She lived somewhat unhappily ever after for ten years till the economy picked up and she used her fashion experience to start a moderately successful clothing line for dwarfs. The end.

National Spelling bees

Once again the national spelling bee occurred and once again a kid from India won it. I'm calling for all kids from India to be banned from all spelling bees in the future because of some of the huge advantages being from India provides. First is the obvious one Indian parents value education above all and force their kids to study for hours at a time. In America about only 70 percent of parents their force their kids to read books and study. The others plop them in front of the TV to watch High school musical or leave the kids on the internet unsupervised. For some reason that browser never ends up on a site about algebra or thermal dynamics. Another reason Indians always win spelling bees is they get to practice spelling their ridiculously long names. Spelling Napashtan Aronkathapan is going to give you a bit of the edge especially considering that as children they are probably expected to spell consonant packed names of their fellow class mates. Poor American kids get to practice spelling names like Tim, Jim, Ty, Bob, Rick, Dan, Ann, Sue. Thats just not going to get it done we got to start coming up with longer names so American children can win spelling bees. Like Timjimbobbyanadan as a first name. Its all about quality spelling quality spelling.

The third reason is the psychological edge that the Indian children have. They can engage in pre-spelling verbal warfare against American kids such as the following. "You better not choke on this word or in ten years I'm going to replace you and your dad at your telemarketing job" That is just too much for a 12 year old to worry about because he fears that the Indian kid could already replace his dad at his telemarketing job and thus he chokes more than an amateur hot dog eating contestant. Please Spelling bee organizers ban the Indian kids for at least one year so the American kids can finish third to another kid from a long name spelling Country.

The awkward hug

Hugs can be soothing, reassuring, heartwarming, and frightening especially if you perform the dreaded awkward hug. The awkward hug is when you hesitate to hug a coworker, friend, ex, a first date etc and you have no idea what to do so you dodge to either side and give a pat on the back to the huggee. They may do the same cause its so hard to predict the hug technique of the other person. To prevent awkward hugs its best to preplan with the hugging target that its hugging time and that you are going out hugging. Get in there get your hug on, but make sure your genitals aren't touching of course so you need a little distance, and hug firmly with vigor. Its better to do a bear hug than a cold wet fish hug anyday. No one can blame you for hugging with enthusiasm. But if you do the texas two step pre hug and don't know how firm to hug its going to be more awkward than the bride catching the groom on their wedding day with all three of her bridesmaids.

Now on the flip side if someone hugs you and you just don't want to hug them back here is a tip. Use your voice and your legs! Jump back and say I'd rather not hug thanks. Cause if you hug someone that you don't want to hug its going to be a beyond awkward hug. Its better to reject someones hugs with words than by giving them the feeling that they are a hugless hobo that belongs in a pigsty. Remember awkward hugs are a problem. Its the 3182 leading cause of suicide. So if you are having problems with awkward hugs follow the advice in the blog above or call my toll free hotline 1-800-youdeservegoodhugs

The Second most interesting man in the world

He once committed hari kari and is dead now

The color purple frightens him so he ordered a hit on barney the dinosaur

He only urinates when it rains

He was an oompa loompa in the willy wonka movies before he hit a growth spurt

He voted for Bush twice the second time while drinking kerosene

He thinks that the Olsen twins would not make great paperweights

He yells at his many girlfriends that they need to supersize it and then he throws a giant bag of french fries at them

He originally canceled family guy until people started whining. If he cancels it again he would be a national hero.

He never talks with his mouth full unless he has something really important to say

He once beat Bill Gates at Jeapardy no just kidding he beat him with a cane

Unlike the most interesting man in the world he does drink beer often

Hes drunk right now and passed out in your side yard

He has won the world tetherball championship ten years over and the prizes didn't even pay for beer money.

Cuban hookers know him by the name No dinero.

He plays tonsil hockey but there is no kissing involved only hockey sticks.

Canada knows of him and fears him

He joined the big brother foundation for the tax write off

No Passports for Traveling Pants

I became aware that they are making a sisterhood of the traveling pants 2 to which i ask one simple question .... why? I never saw the first movie and never will but my best understanding is four young women share laughs, love, and yogurt stains on a pair of jeans. What is going to change in the second one? They still are going to share laughs, friendship, and love but in this one is one of them going to have a time of the month accident? Or what if a seagull accidentally drops a birds eye plop on one of the ladies traveling pants. Will fistfights ensue if one of the heroins refuse to wear the pants for their next big traveling pants event? I can only hope. The amount of twists and turns these pants can take is just overwhelming.

Their is such an unlimited amount of plot lines you can do with the concept of shared pants. The ladies could spill wine on said pants, start out making love to their boyfriend in the pants and then remove pants hopefully dodging any love stains in the process, or they could fight to the death over the mystical powers the pants provide. They might do that for these are much more mighty than regular pants they are traveling pants. Another thing to bring up is what if one of these ladies as they age become too large for the traveling pants? (ugly betty maybe) Will they still have "Sisters of the Traveling pants 4: Around the world in 80 days in Traveling pants" So much to ponder for this great denim franchise as they go forward.

Star Wars vs Star Trek

As a nerd I understand how and why people can be passionate about many things. What I don't understand is when one fanatical nerd group thinks they are better than another fanatical nerd group. Case in point Star Wars fans vs. Star Trek fans. Star Wars fans think that Star Wars is the Filet Mignon of Science fiction and that Star Trek is a turd sandwich served with a side of fecal fries. Darth Vader pwns (nerd lingo for owns) Captain Kirk, Obi one super pwns Spock, and C3PO bitchily slaps Captain Picard. News flash nerds those that wear costumes, are of a greasy composition, and live in their parents basements should not be bashing those that wear costumes, are of a greasy composition, and live in their parents basements. Stop nerd on nerd crime.

Someday I have a dream where all intergalactic space based nerd theme show fans can come together and share some awkward costumes and Zimas. Star Wars fans with Star Trek fans and Battlestar Gallactica fans etc. Maybe even some will fall in love and have a whole mess of costumed babies who will be ostracized and beaten up by the non costumed children of public schools. Until this magnificent dream of nerd unity occurs I will use the force and live long and prosper.

Dr. Phil on Sesame Street

Dr. Phil: Hello everyone on todays show I'm going to do something different. I'm tired of all the bitching and moaning from humans about whether your stupid nobody cares relationships work out or not. In fact I hope they fail so I can do my Dr. Phil magic and make more millions. So today I'm going to converse with some down to earth puppets on Sesame street. I'll start with my favorite Elmo. Elmo how are you today?

Elmo: Elmo doing good Dr. Phil.

Dr. Phil: Quit teaching the kids to speak in third person Elmo or I'll Dr Philslap you. Elmo may I tickle you?

Elmo: Elmo has a restraining order against you bad Dr. Phil so if you want to go to the slammer slap away.

Dr. Phil: Oh crap I forgot you're right Elmo. Remember always get permission in writing to tickle someone boys and girls. Moving on Count are you finally paying your kids child support.

Count: I've lost count of my finances so I don't remember.

Dr. Phil: You've got three babies mommas and how many kids are out of wedlock?

Count: 1 illegitimate children 2 illegitimate children 3 illegitimate children 4 illegitimate children.

Dr. Phil: Count don't plant your seeds in the garden and call it an orange grove. You are making way too many orange groves and those groves are becoming rotten and unloved. You go give your next three sesame street checks to those kids or you will be counting one black eye and two black eyes.

Count: Ok ok please don't hurt me.

Dr. Phil: Bert and Ernie nice of you to take a break from your twenty year honeymoon. You two are in that bathtub more often than a pig is in the mud.

Bert: You think we're in a gay puppet relationship with each other?

Ernie: Eww gross Dr. Phil. Bert is such a queen and I'm only attracted to bears like Cookie Monster. Me and him have been together for years. Bert has been with Big bird since the beginning of time.

Bert: They don't call him big bird for nothing. Tee hee.

Dr. Phil: Too much info Bert. My mistakes fellas. Even my genius omnipresent magnificent baldness is wrong some of the time. Oscar I want to ask you a question?

Oscar: Do your worst ass face.

Dr. Phil: Dirty guy with a dirty mouth. Oscar why do you hate yourself?

Oscar: I guess it all started when my mother left my father oh wait no as bad as this trash can smells it smells a whole lot better than the filth that is the human race.

Dr. Phil: Don't you dare Oscar. Don't you dare crap on a cracker and call it caviar.

Elmo: Elmo says you're a douche Dr. Phil.

Dr. Phil slaps Elmo

Oscar: Call the cops he finally did it. We'll never have to see this jerk off on tv again.

Sesame Street: Yay!

Choose your own adventure haikus

Remember choose your own adventure books. Basically they were from the 80's and were awfully stupid books in which you had two options of events and you would pick one. For example go into the sparkling meadow or into the cavernous bat cave. Choose right and you would get to make another mind boggling decision. Choose wrong and your sexually assaulted by a meadow elf. Today in the sogeshirts.com blog we are going to play choose your own adventure haiku style. You make the decisions and depending on what you choose you get a corresponding haiku that will tell you your destiny. Don't cheat and see what the other haiku would have brought till your done with the whole blog.

Its memorial day and although you are pretty excited that you have the day off the weather is cooperating as much as a mental patient drinking red bulls free of his straightjacket. You think to yourself that seeing a movie or staying in reading a
nice book and drinking some hot cocoa might be nice. Choose your adventure book or movie. Book Haiku is 1A and then the movie haiku is 1B.

1A: Book haiku

Good books are nowhere

Barbara Walters book out

Too much sex details


1B: Movie Haiku

Indiana Jones

Is sold out Speed Racer Sucks

Waste of time and cash

Memorial day comes and goes and some new decisions are to be made at work. Your job is easy but your boss is a disrespectful douche that has more anger problems than Mel Gibson. Do you a.) take a slightly more challenging job with a slight decrease in salary? or b) Stay the course and keep receiving verbal beatings like you are wearing the scarlett letter? Take a new job is 2A and the same job is 2B



2A: New Job Haiku

Freedom and relief

Promotion achieved quickly

Things are looking up



2B: Same job haiku

Tired of this crap

Jump kick Satan out window

New orange jumpsuit

You get your stimulus check and you have a couple options on how you want to spend it. Should you put it away your kids college fund or buy a new plasma hdtv. College fund haiku is 3A and hdtv is 3B.



3A: College haiku

Money for drugs yay

Major in basket weaving

Darn that worthless kid




3B: HDTV

Hours of quality

Your kid will be happier

High def is worth it